How do I give my first ep a punch?

Aims 2020-05-18 19:50:49 UTC #1

Hello there, I need some feedback on how to make my novels more engaging form episode one!

^^^^^
And I also need help coming up with a better description for this one.

Can any of you help me?

What was dressed so far:

Character sheets: Solved.

IndigoShirtProd 2020-05-18 20:22:41 UTC #2

Nothing disengages me like a character sheet. . . or multiple. It make me feel, as a reader, that you don't trust yourself enough to weave descriptions and background information into the story in a clear and concise way. If a character is a "ghost or a reaper," I would hope something like that is plot relevant and can be explained later. The trigger warning is fine, even explaining the the story is a slow burn is excusable, but is the multiple episodes (or even one episode) worth of character sheets and background exposition necessary? I don't think it is. The story is a slow burn, that mean things are going to take awhile. You have them time to place those elements in the story. I or any other reader shouldn't be waiting to the seventh episode to get into the actual literature of the story. If the character sheets and exposition is so necessary, create a new novel for them and link them off in the description. Inform the readers that more information and details about the world and characters can be found elsewhere, not info-dumped at the top of the story before the reader has the chance to care about the characters they're reading about. Sorry if this comes off as harsh, but I'm just being honest.

Oh and this "Be sure to read them attentively. I worked really hard on them. . ." This line feels like the burden is on the reader if they don't get something out of your writing, like it's their fault if they don't understand something in the prose because they didn't read the character sheets or exposition beforehand. Someone could be the most attentive and careful reader and still feel as though they've wasted their time reading what you or what anybody else has written. That's not on the reader. It's not really on the writer either, but don't start pointing fingers. And even if you have worked hard on them, readers don't have to sympathize with your efforts. It's better if they do, great even, but don't always expect it. I can't say anything on the actual literature, I didn't read it but I did notice a few typos. Take what I say with a grain of salt if you want, but this is my advice.

Kelheor 2020-05-18 20:23:10 UTC #3

Detailed description of every character in a form of a profile that interrupts the narration really doesn't help. Is there a reason for doing that? Until there is some good reason (like it's a part of... game simulator or something?), the description should be a part of a novel, not just... being there. It's not making an RP char before a game

Aims 2020-05-18 21:34:41 UTC #4

I updated the topic with the answer to that, still, any suggestions are appreciated (seriously at this point I don't know what to do anymore).

Aims 2020-05-18 21:42:10 UTC #5

Read the updated topic, please.

It will be explained later.

That's just trivia for trivia junkies, you can pretty much just skip it if you want and you won't really lose much.

Some of them will be mentioned don't worry.

I see... I was trying to connect with the readers, but now I see it had the opposite effect, thank you.

Sorry, English isn't my first language and I'm kinda dyslexic, do you mind showing them to me?

joannekwan 2020-05-18 21:48:36 UTC #6

One has to be smart about weaving in descriptions without having it as a block of text interrupting the flow of the narrative, especially in contemporary works. I suggest including body language and character actions to sneak in physical descriptions. For example.

"Hey," Kylie greeted, twirling a blonde lock around her fingers. Her blue eyes flitted to her classmate.
Vernon gifted her a smile, white teeth flashing against dark skin. "Hi." He jammed his hands bashfully into his windbreaker's pockets.

Same thing with explaining bold dialogue = spiritual being.

It could easily be woven in with Spice's first line. You know as the creator that Spice is a spiritual being, but a reader could think they're another kid. You could write it as:

"It's finally over!" celebrated Spice as they hovered over Adam and David. "Weekend, here we come!"
and then later on
"Pizza sounds good to me," he said, ignoring the rambunctious spirit.

IndigoShirtProd 2020-05-18 21:58:34 UTC #7

I don't want anything from you! I don't expect anything from you, and the same goes for anyone who begins to read you're story. I hope the only expectation that people have when they read your literature is that the genre matches the actual story and that the synopsis isn't a lie. You're the one you asked for advice, but at the end of the day, it's your story. Any choices made on it are yours, and yours alone, regardless of whatever advice someone gives. You don't have to listen. Like I said:

On to the other things you said.

Then why is it in the trigger warning section

They're the kind of people who wouldn't mind looking for that stuff in another place. If they really care, they'll seek it out, unlike the regular readers who might not be too keen on having to digest information (they that will get later) all at once at the top of the story.

That's great, but I'm not worrying.
.

Aims 2020-05-18 22:03:12 UTC #8

So what you're saying is that I should just erase that charter and go back to blend their descriptions with the action?

Ok, but I'm still keeping the info. Some of the most distracted readers just need stuff like this spelled out for them or else they'll get frustrated.

Kelheor 2020-05-18 22:03:23 UTC #9

I mean, you can disregard our comments about the character sheets. You asked a question, we just answered
But when I open a novel, I expect a novel, not a character sheet, than a chapter of the same size as this character sheet, than a new sheet. Sure I can skip those, but I haven't found a description of the first character in the narration. But I also don't want to read a full character description with likes and dislikes in the beginning.
If Harry Potter began with a full description of Harry, I would probably drop it, and I would definitely drop it immediately if there was Harry's character sheet, then a part of chapter, then Dudley's sheet, etc. If it's a book, it should be a book.

joannekwan 2020-05-18 22:09:21 UTC #10

It's up to you, but like Kelheor mentioned, when I'm browsing a novel, I'm expecting to read a novel (even if serialized on the web) in the first or second episode (if the first episode IS a disclaimer and there's good reason for it to be there).
Personally, I would create a separate info/glossary series if I must keep the character sheets, then a reader can have it open in another tab for easy reference if they really need it.

Aims 2020-05-18 22:28:22 UTC #11

Ok, I'll see what I can do.

Aims 2020-05-19 01:20:05 UTC #12

Oh, I thought you were asking if I would later explain how ghosts and reapers work.

1st: It's more of an info chapter than a trigger warning.

2nd: This conic artist and I have been helping each other with delivery and stuff, and after some back and forth I realized that even though Spice (a ghost) was the only one talking with bold letters (for now), they were having trouble saying if it was her talking. I decided to put a little more descriptions, and sometimes when she's talking, the narrator refers to her as "the ghost" and etc. But to be safe I decided to put the info about bold letters in the info chapter, so this doesn't happen to new readers.

IndigoShirtProd 2020-05-19 02:12:15 UTC #13

So the narrator knows she's a ghost. Do the other characters know? Is that a revelation for later? Is her being a ghost important for the readers to know in the beginning? If it is a revelation, well now it's not since you gave it away(unless it's just a revelation for in the in universe characters?

Like I said earlier, the trigger warning makes sense to me but everything after doesn't. Look. You don't have to explain your decisions to me, I'm not bothered either way. To me, I can't tell what your goal is with the choices you've made so far. If everything you have now is fine and you're happy with it, then you don't need my advice. But if you're just going to make excuses, then you need to ask yourself why you feel the need to do so. The intent isn't clear and a story can suffer from it. Though I don't know if yours has, I haven't read it. You're not being difficult, I am. But I'm also someone you don't have to answer to or worry about. Good luck with your writings

Aims 2020-05-19 02:33:15 UTC #14

No, with the warning and the narrator referring to her as a ghost in the first chapter the reader will know from the start that she's dead, but not how she died or how old is or even her full name. Adam and David know she's a ghost, but the rest of the characters not even know she's there for now.

Btw, I decided to follow your advice with the glossary and stuff, thanks.