How do people have friends?

[JoshRaed]

I see someone with a friend group and I feel this horrific feeling like "Why am I not there". My brother in high school is in a rock band and it's his second rock band and he has a completely unrelated boyfriend to either band and all these good established artists supporting him when he was a comic artist and I don't even how you'd find people like this out in the world.

Like I just see people in my college class talking to each other at length like they're friends based on this one class they have and it's like, when do people ever make friends with the person they're sitting next to in class? I said like 5 sentences to the guy next to me in class and I'm lectured by the teacher about it because obviously you're not supposed to do that, but outside of that there's people I will never see again because we just so happened to bump into them this one time, and the SAGA club I'm in where I see people for an hour a week and it's structured enough that I don't have the full hour to talk to people there.

[Lensing]

You need several offline group activities.

Your communication skills will get better after a while.

Your communication skills will get worse when you don´t do it.

[kyupol]

Sounds like you're on the autism spectrum. I have similar problems myself with social communications. I'm officially diagnosed on the spectrum. But even then, the psychologist said that people with IQ over 115 tend to have similar characteristics and I am one of such people (not gonna brag about the actual number but IQ test was also done as part of the assessment). So I don't know. Sometimes I think this whole autism thing is quackery. I'm still skeptical and 50-50 on it.

But you know how it got better? Over time, I learned to not care how other people perceive me. In group social situations, I'm generally a quiet observer. And when I do speak, I get everyone's attention. But I don't care if it's in a "good" or "bad" way.

I've had some people here and there like what I have to say or "jive" with me. But they ultimately tend to gravitate towards their more "normal" friends.

But at the end of the day, like attracts like. Call it compatibility or whatever you wish. I don't know.

Is it autism? Is it high IQ? Is it past trauma? Is it all about physical appearance that determine the outcome of your social life? I've mentioned before I've had a rough time in formative years. Bad family. Bad school life where i didnt socially develop and i constantly had to physically fight.

Is it because I'm some type of advanced soul that's been reincarnated many times? Indigo? Star seed? I do not know the exact answer. I've looked into lots of theories already. And a lot of them are ego traps. Make you see yourself as either superior or a victim.

But regardless of the answer, I'm at a point where I have come to acceptance of what is. And this life is a vapor. We don't have very long on this earth. These bodies have a beginning and an end. Just look at a cemetery.

Hope my answer helped you make sense of your predicament.

[Kermittyfrog]

tbh same, major introvert here and I honestly don't know how I have friends but I'm usually dragged into friendships and friend groups by the one friend I have and if we all vibe together it works and if we don't, I never see those people again but I have made some friends on my own, like in theatre.

Ways that my therapist suggested to me about making friends is to be social, communicate with others more, even if you feel really shy, go for it.
That is if you actually want to be that person's friend and not part of a clique.
Be open to new people joining your friend group too (via other friends) this can be hard on you for the first few days (speaking from experience) But once you test the water and they fit you vibe and understand boundaries you all can vibe, and if you don't really connect with that person you don't really have to talk to them every day, just say hi or smile at them, be nice, that's the most important thing (People have also told me that)

But you must also be clear about your displeasure if that new member of the group is causing you trouble.

Anyway, hope this helps, I am not an expert with this, but this is all from experience lol
Hope you find that weird geeky friend group =)

[justanothernerdling]

Took me a year and a half at uni before finding my friends, and honestly, even at 18-20, the key word is 'find things you both like." For my best friend, it was... cheese. He learned I was french, asked me if I liked a certain meal, and the week after we both brought another friend in case it was awkward and we all had the meal together. Realized we had loads in common over time.

... Yes we are all neurodivergent. We only learned this later

And as Kermitty said, one or two close friends is LEAGUES better than a clique, especially in early frienships. Later on, it's nice when people join on, but making friends take a lot of energy.

But yeah, as cheesy at it sounds, the key for me was just actually letting me be myself. Not only did i have people to hang out with after that, but these freindships lasted even after we all moved countries and are now all scattered across the continent, and I wouldn't trade any of them for the world.

[abigaillmartin]

As a person also on the autism spectrum, I can agree with @Lensing here!

The more you get out, the better your skills will get. It is very hard for me to talk to people, I’ve always had a difficulty with social cues, but it also depends on the person as well.

Some people are born more extroverted and social like my little sister for example. She gets all her energy from being with her friends. I’m however very much an introvert and I need alone time and rest to renew my energy. Same with my mom.

Something valuable I learned when Covid 19 hit is that even if it is hard for me to communicate with others, I still needed people around in my life. With complete social isolation, you kinda lose your mind. Everyone needs friends and it’s an essential part of life.

However, keeping and maintaining friendships was not always easy for me, it was even heartbreaking at times. I was very lonely in high school, looking back because I didn’t really understand how to treat people properly. I lost a few friends at that time, for pushing boundaries too far, I would lose my temper at them, I would be a bit selfish in those friendships.

But I learned from those experiences, that was not the way to treat anyone whether if they are your friend or not. I was a jerk!

Here are some things I learned. Be interested in what others have to say, it is really hard for me because I love to talk about things I like, but yeh know. So does everyone! So listen to your friends.

Now making friends… that I don’t know I just had all my friendships developed organically. Many of my friends that I have now worked with me at the same company, we went to DND together, uhhh… sometimes I would go to activities at the local church with them.

Keep it in person. It’s much better that way.

[abigaillmartin]

It also helps that all my friends are neurodivergent in one way or another

Oh! And keep a group chat, hang out as much as possible, do lots of things together!

[abigaillmartin]

I wouldn’t trade the friends I have for anyone else in the world either @justanothernerdling

It’s a blessing to have friendships

[abigaillmartin]

I think another thing I also struggled with was taking for granted my friends. Don’t do that.

Friendship is a gift!

[Laurent]

During school at uni years, I didn't have friends - I always struggled with my brain and people around me didn't accept my oddities. I had also troubles keeping a conversation, due to certain bad memories from early years.

Now I have two real life friends, my girlfriend (who is a blessing) and a buddy woman, who gets me and doesn't judge. I come from the point that less friends but really good ones is better for me - I am bad at crowds, I am bad in social situations. My interests irl are odd and not popular - I am glad I can vibe with two persons. They truly bright up my world.

[NickRowler]

Most of my friends in college were classmates or people I ran into into at the student lounge. I noticed that not everyone was open to being chatty, there are people who just like to go to class than go home. But not everyone is like that.

Tho, post-college I found that it is incredibly difficult to make new friends. Some people join clubs, tho this can be difficult to maintain if you decide to leave. I have also notice some people might say they have a lot of friends (which might include you sometimes) despite never talking to or hanging out with all those people. I was in a situation like this where someone kept calling me their friend but had zero interest in hanging out outside the meetup group.

[Vassia]

I'll admit that at the moment I don't have any friends who live near me since I moved but with the friendships I've made over the years I actually have ones who are willing to literally fly the distance now that I'm far away. Part of it is luck but a lot of it is actually putting in the effort to make those bonds through shared experiences and time together. In high school I had a close-knit friend group who all decided to be friends for life which we've actually stuck to when we all went separate ways. We kept up with video calls and getting together when ever we were in the same state and visiting when we could.

College was more difficult. I lucked out with one super shy person throwing herself out there in an awkward but endeering way. A small group of us from my major volunteered to go on a short tour including said person and at the end of it when we were all planning to go our own ways they simply blurted out "I need friends." And from that we all exchanged contact information and became eachothers little support group for the major. I'm not close with all of those people today but I am with a few of them and that's because I put in a lot of effort to get to know them, despite being busy with my on issues. I joined facebook just to start a messenger chat with them, I went out of my way to set up board game nights, hang out at their doors despite not living on campus myself, plan dinners together using the college facilities, start up writing nights in a rented rooms, etc. It was a lot of effort but I really wanted to make new friends espacially after spending the first year being a lonely work-a-holic. I realized I needed to change and start putting myself out there if I actually wanted to be close with people. I never officially joined any clubs or anything but I did help my friends with their club events and go to their club performances to show support. A lot of friendship is just being there for them and creating those shared memories together.

Just don't forget your own boundaries in the mix. You'll have to step out of you're comfort zone at first, but don't neglect them completly. The was definitely a mistake I made before. But the friends that stuck were the ones who respected those boundaries.

[BoomerZ]

I went to 9 schools in 8 years, moved all over the country because my parents were military. The key to meeting people and talking with people is not caring. Seriously. Everyone is always in their head about what people will and will not think about you. The reality is they don't think about you at all. They are in their own heads. Most people I have seen that are shy are worried about being embarrassed or "different" than others. That is literally everyone you have ever met. The ones that can just let it go and not care are the ones people see as outgoing and social. So just talk with people, 9 times out of 10 they will talk back. When you talk to people, let them talk about themselves. People will be more open to talking if you act interested in what they think. If after hearing what they think doesn't match your thoughts, decide to stay understanding that this person is different or move on. Not everyone has to be a friend. Its a game of numbers, the more you talk the better chance of meeting someone.

If you really worried about your social skills, go to a bar, sit at the bar and just chat up anyone that sits next to you. Hell even the bartender will banter with ya. You are an artist, people love artist. Find how you can keep the conversation going. This is a skill. You will be surprised how many friends I have that were just chance encounters. Don't blame stuff on being autistic or an introvert, truthfully no one wants to heard that. If you are that way, people will notice. Most won't care. And if you fail at meeting people that night, you will never see any of them again in your life.

Finally, you already found people you can be friends with. Look at these responses. People are talking with you, that can be the first step. Don't be misery fellows, but look to people that want to help. The internet allows friends with people you never met in real life. I have many of them, one day we might actually meet in person. But even if I don't, it doesn't matter. They are still friends.