12 / 35
Jul 2023

Man, good questions. Did you copy them off a website?
Suppose I'll answer a few of them.

What would I consider a friend? Probably someone who I at least hang out with in real life, and who would like to do stuff with me without me asking them or approaching them all the time.

How many friends would be ideal? Good question. Used to think only 2. 2 friends is all I really needed for a long ass time.
But now I've lost both of them, with one of them turning out to be an asshole, and another moving far away. So maybe it wasn't such a good idea only having 2. Especially now I gotten older, where everybody else my age is so busy with their personal lives. I think probably like maybe the recommended 5 or so by psychologists. I now see their point.

How much effort? A lot. I have no life, I can afford to put effort into keeping friends.

How long before their behavior is considered ghosting? I dunno. Good question. Probably if they say they wanna hang out and when the time comes to hang out they just don't text me to confirm whether they can come or not.

Yeah I figured it's kinda intrusive to make friends with busy lives. However, I was criticised by my ex-friend for not ever asking him to hang out, so I felt kinda bad if I didn't ever do that. He was always busy whenever I asked him to do so though, so maybe it was wrong of him think that though...

Friends with specific interests? Yeah I'm trying to do that here and on DeviantArt, as well as on Instagram. It's really daunting though, I'm not sure about online etiquette or anything, and I'm wondering about how to best contribute to forum conversations and stuff like that. Can never think about what to say...

Lines can be blurry on friendships? Yeah, that's definitely the case here. Too afraid of communicating with them about it though, afraid of annoying them...

Anyway, thanks for the insightful reply!

Yeah it sucks getting older. If I knew that it would be so difficult making friends at my age I would've tried harder to keep friends I'd made in highschool or college. Thought for sure that it'll be fine having only 2 friends, but it really wasn't.

Online friends seems to be a great option, but something about approaching people online makes me anxious.

Maybe join a local games night at a bar or games store? If you play DnD or Magic stuff like that you can look into it.

Immediately gives you an ice breaker AND a common interest.

Yeah, learnt that being yourself is the best way to go far too late in my life. It's made me a little bit more better with people, I can actually talk with them normally now without feeling awkward.

@Ayumi
Hey we can be friends, if you want! At least online friends. I barely have any friends either. Just follow me on instagram or something, and i'll talk with you way more often than every 3 months. Unless of course you don't want me to talk with you so much, then you can just ghost me for a bit, I'll get the message lol.

@Lensing
Yeah I've heard that doing different activities helps. Gonna start doing Karate again, and as for other activities, I've always been interested in doing board games. Gonna join a board game group or something.

Yeah, real friends are hard. Probably gonna sound strange talking about it, but my ex-friend was night-blind, and he always sabotage potential romantic partners or friendships so to keep me as his personal taxi to get to places. At least that's what I think that's why he did it anyway, although it could be also because he's a spoilt asshole who wanted to be the centre of attention all the time. Really good at passive aggression, completely pulled the wool over my eyes for the longest time with it.

@inkerclark
Yeah I know it's probably not a me thing I can't make friends. People are just way too busy now.
Really hope I can find these people who want connections and engage in conversation with me.
As for being nice, yeah I've been trying to do less of that I guess. It's made me a little bit more interesting.

Oh yeah, I've always had an interest in playing DnD and board games, although I've always been too shy to join a group and play it. Guess I'll try and get over my shyness and join one.

What's friends? Just kidding. I am thirty years old. I tend to keep distance from people self-consciously, due to years of low self-worth, so the people I hang out with are especially resilient when I go through my no-call-or-text phases. Family do help try to fix my behavior, but I am already at an age where the only help is either I get some intense retraining or a therapist. I joined the military for the "retraining" and that really didn't "fix" it. Covid made it worse. Hahaha, I will just accept that real life friends aren't priority for me. Online friends are easier to manage since they don't really get to see you in those phases that are sometimes 'embarrassing'.

What I am getting at is maybe some people are dealing with similar mindsets and perpetually keep people at a distance due to their social anxieties? Certainly been a bane in my existence.... my only best friends are my two dogs, cat, and husband. (sometimes)

I'll add you on Instagram though!

As an adult with friends, i can say that we are often busy with work, family and in some cases personal projects, so it's not always viable to hang out as often.

I rarely see my high school friends in person, but we joke on watsapp and talk about random stuff online. Every once in a while we hang out, but it's a rarity, and that's okay.

More than quantity of time, what matters is quality of time be it in person or online.

Also, sometimes one can become part of multiple friend groups. I have one with whom i play D&D, my high school friends, some friends from kenjutsu classes and some online groups with people around the world.

They don't need to overlap, sometimes you have different kind of activities and fun depending of the group.

I think you can still chat online with the friend that moved far away, so i wouldn't count that one as lost.

I can second the DnD suggestion. I'm 40 years old, and I'm 90% sure the only reason I have a pretty decent number of friends still is that my group is all into tabletop gaming. We had to stop meeting up during quarantine, obviously, but I just started a new game for the first time in years, and I am psyched to be doing this again.

Never underestimate the magic of tabletop gaming for finding a group of adults who are not just willing but eager to make room in their schedules to meet up and hang out together.

I'll third the DnD suggestion. It might even provide inspiration for your art and writing! :innocent:

Nah, I just thought of those questions myself bc I get real introspective at times :upside_down:

One thing I should've added to the busy people bit was that it's an uphill battle, yes, but that shouldn't push you away from making friends with them! You can still invite friends to events to show 'em you care about spending time together, and you can always plan to hang out weeks in advance. Yeah, sometimes a plan might fall through here and there, but the important thing is that you'll both have made the effort to plan it out in the first place. That goes a long way!

Ask yourself why you want to make friends. Making friends and keeping them can be a pain. A lot of them will seek your attention even though you just want to sit at home and relax. Many will ask you to hang out with them when you’d rather not. Saying no, would offend them and cause them to leave you or cause drama in your life…

Keep in mind that there are three types of “friends”….

  1. “Hi-Bye” friends (or acquaintances). These are the ones you see at school/work because the context calls for it. You say hi when you see each other and you say bye at the end of the day, but that’s about it. The relationship never lasts when the context is removed, i.e. when you graduate from school or leave the workplace.

  2. Regular friends. Social, activity buddies you meet up every now and then to catch up or hang out with. You can generally talk about regular topics under the sun.

  3. True, soul friends (or best friends). People you can talk anything and everything with. You may or may not meet up every day, but it doesn’t matter as the strength of your friendship is not determined by how frequently you meet up — it’s more than that. These are the friends you can trust to be there for you whenever you need them, and they will go the extra mile for you. We need such friends.

Friends are naturally compatible with you. That means you don’t have to worry about being shy, being nervous, lacking confidence etc. But understand that relationships can’t be forced. So In the mean time, the best you can do is stay in touch and strengthen your existing contacts. Good luck.

Oh yeah I know that feeling, about rl friends seeing you in phases that are embarrassing. I have schizophrenia, so I've embarrassed myself multiple times while having episodes lol. Also have self esteem problems as well, due to only two friends with one of them being a manipulative asshole and a really weird relationship with my family. Only recently have I started getting over and realised my problems are the people I'm with rather than my personality itself.

Thanks for subscribing to my comic by the way! Also for commenting and the likes! I'll read your novels and comment too!

@harlan
Yeah, making friends through D&D or board games in general has always seemed really appealing. Every person I've met who has played D&D seems to have a lot of friends. Also I hate going to pubs or parties to socialise with large groups of people at once, playing a game together just seems more appealing. Also games are fun.

@ar-ninetysix
Yeah I guess so. Prolly shouldn't be too dissapointed when we end up not hanging out...

@AmazementComics
Why I want friends huh? I've thought that way for a long ass time, like friends aren't worth keeping, cause they do use enormous amounts of time and energy. However, I think that was cause one of my ex-best friends was an asshat, and because I was so socially isolated, and he was popular, I thought I just plain didn't like people. But upon meeting with people and chatting with them online as well as someone I'd met through hospital, I realised that the guy was kind of boring, and that I basically shared nothing in common with him, and talking with anyone else, especially if they share common interests makes me incredibly happy now.
Although a soul friend would be nice, regular ones would be cool as well.
As for friends naturally being compatible with you? I see that now. Again, cause of that asshat friend I always thought I had to fight through shyness and my confidence issues using sheer willpower.

@DiegoPalacios
Oh, so you rarely hang out with high school friends in person as well huh? Now I don't feel so bad...
As for each friend group giving you different types of fun? Yeah I see that, especially talking with people on Instagram, on DeviantArt and here, I see that online interaction can be fun as well.
As for the friend who moved far away? Maybe I chose the wrong words. It's more like we've drifted apart rather than lost them, you're right, I still interact with him over the phone and stuff. And he doesn't live too far away, like maybe a 2 hour drive from where I live, so it's not like I've lost him forever.

Wow thanks for all the replies everyone! And all the follows on instagram! Gotta say, this has really cheered me up!

Yes, only blame yourself if it is a legitimate reason. People acting or reacting a certain way is never in your control, the only control you have is whether you stay friends with them or not. Easy to say so but this is the first step to building some confidence. Feeling guilty towards the things you can't control only waste a lot of time and energy. Best use that time and energy on yourself. Though it is hard to master, it does train on a more neutral outlook in the everyday.

He sounds like a big old jerk. Good on you removing him from your life! When people want to be miserable, they will take down anyone closest to them.

Yes, no biggie! :sunglasses:

This is a really good post, so much in life and the media is put on romantic relationships, but friendships can be just as difficult to find and maintain. Loneliness is so horrible.

Hot take -- you don't; you just do stuff which involves other people, and some of them might happen to stick :P2

Tbh this is a good reason imo to not focus specifically on making friends, but just doing things that you want to do in their own right, which may just so happen to involve other people :stuck_out_tongue: That way it's not about you but the activity; you're not inserting yourself into their life, but rather helping enhance an activity that they've already chosen to insert into their own life :]

I didn't have friends as a kid because I always worried I'd be burdening others by making friends with them :'D I'm now much more confident and satisfied with my social life after changing my perspective :] (There are certainly reasons why making friends might be tougher as an adult, but it was very much the opposite for me lmao XD)


Btw @barakothepirate, followed you on insta; feel free to talk to me about anything at any time :] If I ghost you, it's probably because I just haven't figured out what to say/have nothing to say; don't take that as a sign that I find you annoying, I'm unannoyable (and I will tell you explicitly but politely if that ever changes :stuck_out_tongue: ) If you want to continue the conversation or say something else, just do it; I get it if it feels weird or awkward to you because it's not how people normally communicate, but I personally don't find it awkward at all :smiley:

It's reassuring to hear you say that; I'm always afraid of asking specific people to do stuff (as opposed to just announcing I'm doing stuff and letting whoever join) because I'm afraid of being creepy, so it's good to have explicit permission :'D (We probably can't hang out IRL though, for obvious reasons :P)

Wow that's really good advice, about enchanting their chosen activity. Thank you! I'll keep it in mind!

Yeah, about burdening about other people by being friends, I can relate, especially as an adult in my mid twenties. Most of the people I hung out with I never invited out, they always invited me out first, was always afraid I might annoy them.

Cool! Yeah I'd love to chat on insta! You've got a cool artstyle just looking over it and your comic on tapas. Love to talk to you!

@clarissapattern
Yeah, I never really understood that. Although never really having a gf myself, it seems like having a good friend or two is like having one anyway, aside you never moving into together or having sex/a family. For me at least, I've always kinda prefered having friends over a gf. There's no pressure or anything with them, like having to be good enough for them (I have a low pay job), being attractive enough (also fat), being tall enough for them or whatever (I'm short). Although, don't get me wrong, would be nice having one, but yeah, so many problems with romantic relationships.

I agree on this statement, Clarissa. Part of me theorizes that the only reason why people focus on romance is because they gave up trying to get friends or keep friends. Finding their one "true love" seems more doable than keeping or getting friends.

Notice how some romance stories ONLY focuses on the main lead 's romantic relationship and nothing else? A good romance novel/comic will always mention how the lead character juggles the friendship, family, and work/school life with the romantic partner. Not drop everything for the romantic partner. Unless the mc was living under a rock or chose the hermit lifestyle, this isn't realistic.

Atleast, explain why the MC doesn't have a life outside their romantic partner. :sweat:

Good thing about being older is that online friends can quickly become IRL ones.