How the hell do you make friends?

[barakothepirate]

Been trying to reach out to various people I've known in real life and online, through online through fb and instagram, as well as rl so as to eventually befriend them. After a time of meeting up with them or talking with them online, they all just start ghosting me after. I swear I've tried being attentive, interesting and nice to them but they just seem to end up not liking me.
I hate being an adult. Maybe they're just really, really busy with life, work, kids, and other friends and I'm just too boring to bother with. I'm pretty sad.

Anyone else have this problem? I'm 37 btw, and I suppose this is an age thing. Making friends is hard at my age apparently.

Also side note. Anyone wanna be online friends? Heard instagram is a good place for art people to communicate with each other. Also this'll be a general thread to swap that kind of thing also.

My instagram: https://www.instagram.com/yooper_the_pirate/

[Legendofgenii]

I think like you mentioned, it’s a life-stage thing - especially in your 30’s. Everyone is in their own little bubble.

At school/Uni etc. it’s easier to form friendships, as you’re together a lot more and have less responsibilities, the same probably happens when you reach retirement age.

These days I have more online buddies (who I have more in common with to be honest), but they are spread out all over the world.

[inkerclark]

Oh, dear friend, I can completely understand the frustrations you're experiencing. It can be disheartening when it feels like people are ghosting you after you've put in effort to connect with them. Please know that you are not alone in this struggle, and many others have faced similar challenges, regardless of age.

Making friends can indeed be more challenging as we grow older, but it's important to remember that it's not a reflection of your worth or likeability. People's lives can become incredibly busy with various commitments, and it's possible they simply don't have the time or energy to invest in new friendships.

However, don't lose hope! There are countless individuals out there who are looking for genuine connections and shared interests, just like you.
Don't be afraid to reach out, engage in conversations, and share your creative journey. You never know who you might meet and form a lasting bond with.

Stop trying to be nice and just be yourself, like.. befriend yourself first! only then you'll meet the people who can actually be your friends, trying to be nice or anything just basically means that you think you ain't worth enough to be interesting, just be yourself.

[Ayumi]

Honestly, I don't know. I don't really have friends. I only meet my highschool friends maybe in every 5 years, but we do not talk on phone or messaging to eachother. I also have a comic artist friend, whom with we talk maybe in every 3 months a bit🤷‍♀️, and that's all. I'm introvert and I think I have social anxiety too, so it's also my fault. So... I gave up on trying to make friends. Sometimes it can be hard, but I accepted that I can't change.

[Lensing]

I´m 48,
I belong to a musical subculture, I make music that´s 2 things where I meet a lot of people
and that helps a lot. I also meet up with illustrators, we do a picnic at the lake next sunday
and we sometimes go out drinking regularly.

Going out a lot and doing different activities helps a lot. I went to a dance class even though
I´m not interested in dancing at all. I thought I´d just give it a try. I met a lot of people there.
Just one example of many.

To make real friends has always been hard. I thought I had a real friend but then he didn´t help
me when I got beaten up as a teenager. He didn´t do anything. I spent some years with just hanging
out in the subculture where the only common ground is music and party. I have one best friend now
who lives 7 hours away from me. I met her on the streets of Berlin. My other best friend is my brother.

[thepenmonster]

Old man cliche here, but I have found that going around and (politely) being myself does wonders. Ladies love me, girls adore me. I mean even the ones who never saw me like the way that I rhyme at a show.

However;

1. I just finished 22 years of being an expat in East Asia. Needing to have the ability to be comfortable with no one but yourself for company is a must. The hardest part was actually fending off new "friends" who circle around expats and military folks like vultures.

2. I don't generally allow myself to get to close to folks regardless because people are messy and complicated and I'm just too exhausted to help carry them. It's been this way for decades now.

3. I do have a core of reliable life-long friends I keep in touch with, and we do help each other if needs be, but I try my best not to impose upon them. They have their own situations to focus on.

Thus YMMV. But I still see being yourself as a must. Others will find it attractive in some way. Not everyone. But those people are assholes so fuck 'em.

[ar-ninetysix]

Hmmm. I think it might be best to establish some things for yourself before going out of your way to connect with people as friends.

• What do you personally define as a friend?
• What's your general approach to making friends?
• How many friends would be ideal? Why?
• As the one wanting to make friends, how much effort are you willing to put into that?
• How long before their behavior is considered ghosting?
• If things don't go smoothly, are you going to stay in touch or are you going to walk out of their lives?

You don't have to answer these questions here. Maybe it's too much to think about for something as "simple" as making friends, but it wouldn't hurt to do a little self-analysis and know where you're at. See if things need to be adjusted on your end.

One thing to point out is that as someone looking for friends, you are essentially asking people to allow a random stranger into their regular lives for the intended point of becoming a part of it. In a way, it's sorta intrusive. If you start talking to people with already busy lives.. it's gonna be a uphill battle to try to awkwardly insert yourself into their schedule.

And while we're at it, if you want friends with specific interests.. maybe try to immerse yourself in communities surrounding said interests. This can be irl or online, but the important thing is to reach out to where people are already spending their time in a place where they're open to hanging out with like-minded strangers.

Last but not least, the lines can be a little blurry on friendships. Sometimes it just happens over an extended period of time with no clear indication as to when it officially started. Maybe someone already considers you a friend and just hasn't explicitly said so. The important thing is to be ready for things to not be so clear-cut and defined. Remember, communication is always an option if you have questions about where you and your potential friend are.

[barakothepirate]

Man, good questions. Did you copy them off a website?
Suppose I'll answer a few of them.

What would I consider a friend? Probably someone who I at least hang out with in real life, and who would like to do stuff with me without me asking them or approaching them all the time.

How many friends would be ideal? Good question. Used to think only 2. 2 friends is all I really needed for a long ass time.
But now I've lost both of them, with one of them turning out to be an asshole, and another moving far away. So maybe it wasn't such a good idea only having 2. Especially now I gotten older, where everybody else my age is so busy with their personal lives. I think probably like maybe the recommended 5 or so by psychologists. I now see their point.

How much effort? A lot. I have no life, I can afford to put effort into keeping friends.

How long before their behavior is considered ghosting? I dunno. Good question. Probably if they say they wanna hang out and when the time comes to hang out they just don't text me to confirm whether they can come or not.

Yeah I figured it's kinda intrusive to make friends with busy lives. However, I was criticised by my ex-friend for not ever asking him to hang out, so I felt kinda bad if I didn't ever do that. He was always busy whenever I asked him to do so though, so maybe it was wrong of him think that though...

Friends with specific interests? Yeah I'm trying to do that here and on DeviantArt, as well as on Instagram. It's really daunting though, I'm not sure about online etiquette or anything, and I'm wondering about how to best contribute to forum conversations and stuff like that. Can never think about what to say...

Lines can be blurry on friendships? Yeah, that's definitely the case here. Too afraid of communicating with them about it though, afraid of annoying them...

Anyway, thanks for the insightful reply!

[barakothepirate]

Yeah it sucks getting older. If I knew that it would be so difficult making friends at my age I would've tried harder to keep friends I'd made in highschool or college. Thought for sure that it'll be fine having only 2 friends, but it really wasn't.

Online friends seems to be a great option, but something about approaching people online makes me anxious.

[GodbreakerComic]

Maybe join a local games night at a bar or games store? If you play DnD or Magic stuff like that you can look into it.

Immediately gives you an ice breaker AND a common interest.

[barakothepirate]

Yeah, learnt that being yourself is the best way to go far too late in my life. It's made me a little bit more better with people, I can actually talk with them normally now without feeling awkward.

@Ayumi
Hey we can be friends, if you want! At least online friends. I barely have any friends either. Just follow me on instagram or something, and i'll talk with you way more often than every 3 months. Unless of course you don't want me to talk with you so much, then you can just ghost me for a bit, I'll get the message lol.

@Lensing
Yeah I've heard that doing different activities helps. Gonna start doing Karate again, and as for other activities, I've always been interested in doing board games. Gonna join a board game group or something.

Yeah, real friends are hard. Probably gonna sound strange talking about it, but my ex-friend was night-blind, and he always sabotage potential romantic partners or friendships so to keep me as his personal taxi to get to places. At least that's what I think that's why he did it anyway, although it could be also because he's a spoilt asshole who wanted to be the centre of attention all the time. Really good at passive aggression, completely pulled the wool over my eyes for the longest time with it.

@inkerclark
Yeah I know it's probably not a me thing I can't make friends. People are just way too busy now.
Really hope I can find these people who want connections and engage in conversation with me.
As for being nice, yeah I've been trying to do less of that I guess. It's made me a little bit more interesting.

[barakothepirate]

Oh yeah, I've always had an interest in playing DnD and board games, although I've always been too shy to join a group and play it. Guess I'll try and get over my shyness and join one.

[Mic_Mac_Roni]

What's friends? Just kidding. I am thirty years old. I tend to keep distance from people self-consciously, due to years of low self-worth, so the people I hang out with are especially resilient when I go through my no-call-or-text phases. Family do help try to fix my behavior, but I am already at an age where the only help is either I get some intense retraining or a therapist. I joined the military for the "retraining" and that really didn't "fix" it. Covid made it worse. Hahaha, I will just accept that real life friends aren't priority for me. Online friends are easier to manage since they don't really get to see you in those phases that are sometimes 'embarrassing'.

What I am getting at is maybe some people are dealing with similar mindsets and perpetually keep people at a distance due to their social anxieties? Certainly been a bane in my existence.... my only best friends are my two dogs, cat, and husband. (sometimes)

I'll add you on Instagram though!

[DiegoPalacios]

As an adult with friends, i can say that we are often busy with work, family and in some cases personal projects, so it's not always viable to hang out as often.

I rarely see my high school friends in person, but we joke on watsapp and talk about random stuff online. Every once in a while we hang out, but it's a rarity, and that's okay.

More than quantity of time, what matters is quality of time be it in person or online.

Also, sometimes one can become part of multiple friend groups. I have one with whom i play D&D, my high school friends, some friends from kenjutsu classes and some online groups with people around the world.

They don't need to overlap, sometimes you have different kind of activities and fun depending of the group.

But now I've lost both of them, with one of them turning out to be an asshole, and another moving far away.

I think you can still chat online with the friend that moved far away, so i wouldn't count that one as lost.

[Scarlet_Cryptid]

I can second the DnD suggestion. I'm 40 years old, and I'm 90% sure the only reason I have a pretty decent number of friends still is that my group is all into tabletop gaming. We had to stop meeting up during quarantine, obviously, but I just started a new game for the first time in years, and I am psyched to be doing this again.

Never underestimate the magic of tabletop gaming for finding a group of adults who are not just willing but eager to make room in their schedules to meet up and hang out together.

[harlan]

I'll third the DnD suggestion. It might even provide inspiration for your art and writing!

[ar-ninetysix]

Nah, I just thought of those questions myself bc I get real introspective at times

One thing I should've added to the busy people bit was that it's an uphill battle, yes, but that shouldn't push you away from making friends with them! You can still invite friends to events to show 'em you care about spending time together, and you can always plan to hang out weeks in advance. Yeah, sometimes a plan might fall through here and there, but the important thing is that you'll both have made the effort to plan it out in the first place. That goes a long way!

[AmazementComics]

Ask yourself why you want to make friends. Making friends and keeping them can be a pain. A lot of them will seek your attention even though you just want to sit at home and relax. Many will ask you to hang out with them when you’d rather not. Saying no, would offend them and cause them to leave you or cause drama in your life…

Keep in mind that there are three types of “friends”….

1. “Hi-Bye” friends (or acquaintances). These are the ones you see at school/work because the context calls for it. You say hi when you see each other and you say bye at the end of the day, but that’s about it. The relationship never lasts when the context is removed, i.e. when you graduate from school or leave the workplace.

2. Regular friends. Social, activity buddies you meet up every now and then to catch up or hang out with. You can generally talk about regular topics under the sun.

3. True, soul friends (or best friends). People you can talk anything and everything with. You may or may not meet up every day, but it doesn’t matter as the strength of your friendship is not determined by how frequently you meet up — it’s more than that. These are the friends you can trust to be there for you whenever you need them, and they will go the extra mile for you. We need such friends.

Friends are naturally compatible with you. That means you don’t have to worry about being shy, being nervous, lacking confidence etc. But understand that relationships can’t be forced. So In the mean time, the best you can do is stay in touch and strengthen your existing contacts. Good luck.

[barakothepirate]

Oh yeah I know that feeling, about rl friends seeing you in phases that are embarrassing. I have schizophrenia, so I've embarrassed myself multiple times while having episodes lol. Also have self esteem problems as well, due to only two friends with one of them being a manipulative asshole and a really weird relationship with my family. Only recently have I started getting over and realised my problems are the people I'm with rather than my personality itself.

Thanks for subscribing to my comic by the way! Also for commenting and the likes! I'll read your novels and comment too!

[barakothepirate]

@harlan
Yeah, making friends through D&D or board games in general has always seemed really appealing. Every person I've met who has played D&D seems to have a lot of friends. Also I hate going to pubs or parties to socialise with large groups of people at once, playing a game together just seems more appealing. Also games are fun.

@ar-ninetysix
Yeah I guess so. Prolly shouldn't be too dissapointed when we end up not hanging out...

@AmazementComics
Why I want friends huh? I've thought that way for a long ass time, like friends aren't worth keeping, cause they do use enormous amounts of time and energy. However, I think that was cause one of my ex-best friends was an asshat, and because I was so socially isolated, and he was popular, I thought I just plain didn't like people. But upon meeting with people and chatting with them online as well as someone I'd met through hospital, I realised that the guy was kind of boring, and that I basically shared nothing in common with him, and talking with anyone else, especially if they share common interests makes me incredibly happy now.
Although a soul friend would be nice, regular ones would be cool as well.
As for friends naturally being compatible with you? I see that now. Again, cause of that asshat friend I always thought I had to fight through shyness and my confidence issues using sheer willpower.

@DiegoPalacios
Oh, so you rarely hang out with high school friends in person as well huh? Now I don't feel so bad...
As for each friend group giving you different types of fun? Yeah I see that, especially talking with people on Instagram, on DeviantArt and here, I see that online interaction can be fun as well.
As for the friend who moved far away? Maybe I chose the wrong words. It's more like we've drifted apart rather than lost them, you're right, I still interact with him over the phone and stuff. And he doesn't live too far away, like maybe a 2 hour drive from where I live, so it's not like I've lost him forever.

Wow thanks for all the replies everyone! And all the follows on instagram! Gotta say, this has really cheered me up!