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Nov 2023

jackie drinks while pilots the ship

ship is dodging shots

computer: you got a new client would you like to accept?

jackie: hmmm do I rather have any money at all or remain drowning in poverty? tough choice jukebox.

computer: your mom is a jukebox .

jackie: I'll accept anything at this point but who is it?

computer: princess ellyza from aurum kingdom.

jackie: wait! really? a princess!...we could say there's a royalty package and charge an absurd amount

kamso: sorry, jackie but I'll not help you lie.

jackie: listen here kamso, my sweet boy you like helping people right?

kamso: yes

jackie: and if this bussiness is sucessfull you get to help more people correct?

kamso: yeah...

jackie:so by the prince of just a few small harmless lies you could help a lot more people faster, so lying is good actually.

kamso: well when you put it like that it really seems like a good thing.

jackie: good, yuki any objections?

yuki: I don't care as long I get to beat people up.

jackie: so set the cordinates to the capital of the aurum kingdom.

computer: actually I must inform you...

jackie: zip it! we gonna do this! just do what I told you typewriter!

computer: fine, don't yell at me later

the ship enters a portal.

  • created

    Nov '23
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    Nov '23
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Hello there, artist here.
I saw your other thread showing samples of your script and having a few people revising it, just have a few questions.

  • Is this meant to be a comic script or what is the purpose of it? Based on that, determine what are the things you require in it.
  • Is the format meant to be a script for horizontal comic or webtoon?
  • Where does a panel start and what are the contents inside it?
  • When does a page start and where it finish?
  • What are the things to be drawn or visualize, at which camera angle, which type of camera shot?
  • What are the facial expression, the actions, etc of the characters if they are going to be drawn or visualized?

If you're expecting to collaborate with someone or try to pitch this to an artist, this script is lacking in a lot of information.And even if this is meant to be a sticky note for a Novel, it still feels lacking and even if you claim you have a good memory, at least personally for me, it'll be best if you make a proper description of the events to be drawn / be visualzied, and then you expand on it in narrative format.

Pardon the intrusion but if I hard to work with this, I would reorganize it like this


[Page (Not sure what page its of your story) ]

Panel 1: We see Jackie*, drinking from a [Bottle? Glass? Canteen? Specific shaped object from worldbuilding meant to carry liquids or specifically alcohol or a similar derivate?], piloting the ship*. Here you would detail things such as with which hand she holds which object, type of camera shot, camera angle and such. Is there any Sound Effect, like beeping from the ship, she gulping, buttons or something that provides to the immersion or tension of the scene?

Panel 2: There is a ship* in the middle of [Space?/Earth's sky?/Undertwater? Where?], dodging enemy shots. The scene starts with a general shot, ship facing [Front, back, left, right], there are around [insert number] shots drawn, [determine range towards the ship, proximity and such]

  • Here would you likely attach a link with references of the ship or character if you're introducing it, its definitive design and concept arts, from the inside or outside, depending what is required to draw or conceptualize, obviously not necessary here in the forum, but as resources for yourself and the artist.

And then, we lose the structure. As an artist the flow of information is already broken

Starting dialogue, where does it happens? Within the first panel or in a new one? Quantity of speech bubbles within a single panel? 1, 2, 3, 4? (Keep in mind has to be easy to read and not cover up the entire panel or be squashed all together)

Where does panel 3 start? How many panels does each page has in case it is a horizontal comic? If it's a vertical comic what is the space between panels? Does the dialogue happen within that blank space or in the panel? And so on.

Scripts are meant, most of the time, to be as clear as possible to be able to have a mental image of it without a need of extremely detailed and immersive words compared to written Novels and Stories, it has to be straight to the point, and easy for anyone to imagine the situation being presented regardless if you're aiming for professional or personal use, in short it has to be useful.

It's a scroll format webcomic, I tend to decide camera angles and artistic things when I'm drawing the page in the script I mostly focus on getting the flow of the dialogue, this is one of my first comics so my scripts is not the best but I could work on that.

here's a messy run down of some grammar corrections/flow issues

I'm used to just commenting on Google docs with issues, so this is how I'll do this ig

I extended this part a bit so kamso isn't so easilly convinced
kamso: well when you put it like that it actually seems like a good thing on the other hand lying is a bad thing so I don't know if it's worth it.

jackie: you're polite, being polite is just lying it's no diferent I mean you say nice thing even if they arent true.

kamso: what? does that mean that being polite is actually bad .

jackie: no,no,no that means that lying is actually good.

kamso: oh...okay

Dialogue can be tricky for a lot of writers to do. One of the big things I've noticed with new(er) writers is that they write for the character trope instead of a person. For example, if a character is supposed to be sarcastic - that becomes their primary character trait, which translates to all their dialogue being written as sarcastic. To readers, it comes off as amateur.

In reference to your sample. I would delete all of the interaction between the humans/crew and the computer. In comic form, you can visually show that it's a typed out message. And if the computer is simply acting as a computer or even like Data from Star Trek - the speech can be direct and logical.

Add in scene shifts to break up the dialogue. The way you have the script written is SUPER abrupt. The dialogue does not feel natural. I realize there is a lot of background I don't know, but mixing dialogue and action is always a good method to help make it feel more natural.

Then its not very different to what I've previously did and tried to sample.

It would be best if you do the script as you do the thumbnailing of the comic (The rough drafts), that way you can build the structure and have a better idea about how the scene would actually turn out to be, or how natural or stiff the dialogue comes off, if you leave it barebones then as a novice you may end up ending up with scenes that just feel too bland or flat or dialogue that doesn't completely match what's going on.

It's a common mistake too that novices don't bother to write down or detail the scenes properly in the script because they are overly confident that they'll remember everything or that their first idea is ok, and not that it isn't the best one and that by having the basic structure, they could enhance it a bit before moving forward and at the same time avoid going off the rails and imagining several ways to make that scene or end up with something either unrelated to the dialogue or something that ends up feeling off.

And of course, you'll have to check out your grammar, typographic errors and such. The best way is to actually work in a Google Document or Word, or put the text through a Corrector if you cannot afford an Editor / Proof Reader. The ideal would be to have the script and it to be useful, for you to remember what to draw or what you sketched, but as well to set the events in the Comic, and only require to copypaste it onto the comic once you reach the Speech/Narration/Dialogue stage.

I understand some people like their disorganized organized mess. Of course this is all from the point of view of someone that needs this information in order to visualize what a client/Author has in mind so I can convey their vision properly, avoid constant drawing and erasing, and speed up the making process