First thing I wanna say is that you should edit your Description. It is a little too long with a lot of information about the story that should probably be left to be found out by reading the story. The Description should be short and to the point. It should give the gist of the story.
Here is an example of my Novel Description to give you an idea:
In a post apocalyptic flooded world, the last remaining humans live on large Navy Aircraft Carrier ships huddled together forming a city. The wealthiest people enslaved and oppressed the rest of the masses to keep full control and power.
Two Lovers who share the same hatred for the Government, try to find a way to escape from the city in order to search for land so they can be free.
Meanwhile as the two Lovers search for a way to escape from the city, two Police Detectives investigate a series of unsolved crimes and murders around the city that may or may not be linked to the Lovers.
Third Person Narrative.
Similar Stories:
(Some of these stories may be less similar than others, i.e. no fantasy elements, but they have overlapping content and themes.)
Titanic (movie)
1984
The Notebook
Ghost (movie) If you like love stories like this then I think you’ll like mine.
The Terminator
Sherlock Holmes
Snowpiercer
Dexter
Star Wars Attack Of The Clones
WARNING THIS STORY CONTAINS:
Drama, Romance, SciFi, Dystopian, Mystery, Detectives, YA, Post apocalyptic, Futuristic, Dark Themes, Adult Themes, Mature Content, Tyrannical Government, Death, Violence, Love, Marriage, Babies, Revenge, Friendships, Conspiracy, Detective Work, Violent Crimes, Police, Murder, Interrogation, Black Market Deals, Grudges, Slavery, Psychological, Trauma, Guns, Freedom, Bonds, Trust, Blood, Hospitals, Large Ships, Swimming, Treasure, Money, Hiding, Explicit Language,
Drama #Romance #SciFi #Dystopian #Mystery #Detective #YA #Postapocalyptic #Futuristic
I think providing a short list of similar stories will give readers a better idea of whether they would be interested to read your story. This will also funnel down and attract the primary audience that you are targeting. By mentioning what the story contains it will make it easier for readers to decide whether they want to read it or not. This works well because it provides info about the story without really spoiling anything about it.
As you see in my Description I condensed my story down to just a couple of sentences while retaining the main conflict of the story. Try to break it down to the bare minimum: Main Character(s), Setting/Concept, Conflict, Main Character’s Goal. Hope this helps.
All I can really say about your writing in the first Chapter is that it is confusing. I feel like the characters aren't introduced all that well in terms of their looks age height etc.