I rewrote chapter one of the comic I’m going to make

[Lensing]

There is literally no explaination at all

Past 11 years ago
"Why is the villain trying to destroy this world?"
"He was born like that"
"I´m chosen, when can I start?"
"Wait"
Present:
Action

[JoshRaed]

So that explanation is supposed to be the version of events the protagonist believes from a young age, to later be contradicted, but the actual truth would be a major twist so he can’t know any of the real stuff until later. The villain was not born that way, and this actually matters quite a lot to the narrative, and the main hero is not the chosen one either. How do I handle this without making the story look boring and poorly thought out?

[KevinReijnders]

You don't really need to explain the "why" of the villain at the start. The problem is mostly that the introduction is a set of kinda dull exposition.

I like the idea of contrasting the young eager hero in the intro with the more mature skilled version in the next, stuff like that works imo.

It's just that the scene itself is not well written.

For example, you describe the father's outfit and then say "he" is wearing a black shirt and jeans (or something like that). It was only after reading ahead that I knew you meant the son.

Your writing is all over the place and things just seem to happen without any sort of set-up or prior description. Tbh, I didn't even finish reading the whole thing because of how frustrating it was to read

[Lensing]

Why do you tell the story of the not chosen one?

[JoshRaed]

I thought it was an interesting idea.

[Lensing]

And it can be an interesting idea but imagine that I know nothing about the backstory and the world
you created. I read the grey and black area and a black tower and then someone who thinks
he is chosen, the general saying that the villain is born like that and then you give me the info that it´s
not like that in the story. It´s confusing

[JoshRaed]

This sequence is dull exposition, but I don’t know how what to do to make it more engaging. It used to be even less interesting, because there was no dead zone boat, they were just at home doing nothing while this happened. Like I can’t think of a fun fresh and interesting way that you could have a this guy tell his child a story about the world, and to explain these basic story details, unless I dramatically expand this whole sequence which supposed to be a precursor to the actual story. But I have to draw all of this with my limited abilities and focus, and every seven panels is another week if I don't get distracted or have too much else going on in my life, and this chapter has six different important characters to introduce already.

How would you make this information more interesting to read?

[JoshRaed]

Most of it is still true though, it's just a biased version of events.

[KevinReijnders]

[Lensing]

Ok then my answer to your above question

What do you think? Does the story come off better than last time? Do the world and characters make more sense now?

is it doesn´t make any sense without context

[JoshRaed]

How would I make this work in my own story? Animation and music are off the table, there's no thematic depth you can imbue the general's words when he's supposed to be speaking propaganda about how this stuff happened.

[KevinReijnders]

No, I think the best way to do your story is to pitch it to Disney and get them to do a full animated feature. /s

[IndigoShirtProd]

Tbh, I didn't even finish reading the whole thing because of how frustrating it was to read

Yea, I second that

[JoshRaed]

I know you weren’t suggesting all that, but i’m saying it’s one of the main things that makes that scene better than my scene, how it moves and sounds. It wouldn’t be as interesting if it didn’t have that music and animation going for it.

The main thing I meant was the point of the scene thematically.

[JoshRaed]

I just realized the General would have no reason to show up but would make a lot of sense as someone who’s been there the whole time, and it would make the entire sequence flow better.

[IndigoShirtProd]

No, I'm only agreeing with @KevinReijnders on how convoluted and frustrating it can be to read your writing.

[JoshRaed]

I know. But if I write each event naturally instead of contrivedly Silea would not show up at all until 24 pages in, 6 entire months of webcomic, the story just goes like “BTW the main character has a sister who’s life goal is to kill her own father but pretends to be on the same side as the protagonist because he’s the key to killing the main villain like her best friend wants.” and that whole story would become a weird plot cul-de-sac. Unless I have Silea and Electra’s motivations be slowly revealed after they trick Orion into working with them, but I want the audience to be attached to the girls and root for their goals, not suspiciously theorize about what they’re doing and why.

[KevinReijnders]

No it doesn't actually. The animation is very minimal in this particular scene.

You can literally transcribe the dialogue as comic book speech bubbles and superimpose them in still images taken from this scene, and the core message remains intact. Sure, you won't have the music, but you can still convey everything you need in this scene without it.

Why I chose to link that scene, is because it's almost literally your intro. Dad shows young eager son the world. Dad teaches son about the rules of the world.

Why does that scene work better than yours? First off all, it's dialogue is believable between the characters. Second, it charactarizes the main character, shows he's very eager to be king and is pretty darn arrogant. Third, it blatantly states one of the core themes of the story, the balance of nature and how you as its caretaker must do all you can to maintain it.

You say you cannot put more thematic massaging in the dad's dialogue. Well, then you don't know the themes of your story well enough. You say he's just spouting propaganda, okay, the reader is literally reading page 1, they don't know that. If you're telling your story right, the reader will learn that not everything is as it seems. Hell, you can have the kid ask some piercing questions about the why and how. The dad can shut him down. Wow, suddendly there's a thematic massage in the dialoge.

Also, the thing you chose to completely ignore your writing is frustrating and confusion to read. Reading it, I was often not aware who was wearing what, where the characters were in relation to each other and the space they are in. I know that this is intended to be drawn, but even in script form you need some actual visual descriptors, something that sets the scene.

You simply cannot expect your readers to even begin to understand the nuances of your.story, if you cannot even manage to take them along the ride for it.

[abigaillmartin]

The first pages of your story could be getting to know the characters setting them up and who they are from the get go. Exposition dumps will bore the reader. Speaking from experience.

Elsie from the get go, we have steam powered train in the opening scene. Okay, the readers see we are in a different time with trains. Cool. We see Elsie getting up as she usually does but then she gets a call. “Hello. This is Elsie Carlisle. How may I be of service?” We learn she is a helpful kind of woman. We then see the kind of world she lives in. A pretty advanced turn of the century England.

Have your characters show their world to the audience. Let it be about the humanity of them. That’s how you have your story make a connection.

[JoshRaed]

I thought about it and I think I get where this scene could go instead. I didn’t want to make it dramatically longer but the general has a whole thing going for him about tradition and legacy and bloodlines and all that, and I could bring out some more of that in a new draft.

I actually explained every important characters outfit in every scene as part of the rewrite so I thought it would come across just fine.

I suppose I should explain the framing of each of these panels since guessing at what it could be each time as I just sort of make it up has been doing horribly for me so far.