Hi there! I finally got to write up a critique for your story! I went ahead and did it chapter-by-chapter (I may or may not do this for the rest of the stories, haha)!
Chapter 1
The first paragraph of your first chapter is very great and hooked me right into the story! My only gripe with it is the mention of precise millimeters to describe the length between the beams—I dunno if this is a personal peeve of mine, but it bothers me somewhat when exact measurements are used to describe the length of something. It takes me out of the story a bit, I think.
I really love how you used the environment to describe how powerful the king is. Without a single line of spoken dialogue, we understand that this guy is not to be messed with, and we also get information about his ancestry through the description of his chair! It’s great stuff!
I really love how you put the reader in the middle of a situation, but don’t confuse them. You make enough of the parameters known about the situation so the audience is still invested, but not too much so that there is still plenty of reason to keep reading and explore the situation!
There are some mechanical errors here (some commas need to be added, etc.) but that’s okay! Mechanical errors just happen!
Chapter 2
Not much negative to say here! The story is still on track and I love your introduction of the empress! She’s an interesting character—I love that you introduce some strengths and weaknesses of her character right off, and the surprise about her child was really great! It kind of challenged my preconceived notion about her that she would be a completely moral and just character! I also really like that you switched from 3rd person to 1st in this chapter! One of my favorite books, The Amulet of Samarkand did that, and I think it takes skill to do it well; you pulled it off! Again, there are some mechanical errors here that can be easily corrected with edits.
Chapter 3
This chapter ends on a great cliffhanger and draws us deeper into the story in a gradual and natural way.
Chapter 4
I think this is one of the finest chapters of the story. It’s very warm and sweet, and yet it never feels forced or juvenile. Romance is hard to write. Like, really hard, but you did it really well in this chapter, and you established the complex relationship between your love interests in a great way by giving them a long history together.
Chapter 5
This chapter adds some additional conflict to the story and romance. You kept me guessing about Li Wai’s loyalties and made me want to learn more about who he is as a person.
Chapter 6
This is another incredibly well-done chapter! Probably one of my favorites! You showed that the Empress isn’t defenseless and is willing to hurt others to secure her safety! I liked that she used a branch as a weapon. The last word of the chapter (her childhood nickname) is fantastic and warmed my heart. Again, establishing that they had a history was great writing.
Chapter 7
Not much to say here other than it’s a short, but effective chapter! We get a few more details on the shared past of our main characters and learn some interesting details about where the Empress learned self-defense! Good stuff!
Chapter 8
This was another one of my favorite chapters! We get to see a darker side to the Empress and a sweet side to Li Wai! I like their clashing opinions and attitudes here!
Chapter 9
Another short and sweet chapter where more gradual information is released.
Chapter 10
This is a fantastic chapter! There’s some interesting magic at work in this segment that’s very creative and original (I actually wrote something similar to this in my own story 0o0)! We see that the Empress has regrets about some decisions and more depth is added to both characters!
Summary: As you can see, plot-wise and character wise, I really don’t have any issues with the story! You wrote a story that, I, personally really enjoy! It feels familiar and super romantic, but at the same time, very new and fascinating due to some unique elements and character building! I loved your switch from the 3rd person to the 1st and I can tell that you really thought the story out before writing it! The only problems the story has are mechanical problems (grammar, punctuation, etc.). One example is in chapter 6 on the second paragraph where it says: My breath came out in raspy pants and the bruises all over my body screamed at me to rest but I could not let my guard down.
The sentence could use a comma/or other kind of punctuation: My breath came out in raspy pants, the bruises on my body screamed at me to rest, but I could not let my guard down.
I always tell people not to worry so much about mechanical errors, however, because they just happen unless you’ve got an editor or a fresh set of eyes helping you look for them. I will say that I didn’t find too many of these errors, however, and that they can be fixed pretty easily. Heck, if you send me your manuscript I’d actually be willing to edit it for you since I like the story so much.
Otherwise: This is a very solid story and some of the best stuff I’ve read on Tapas. I highly recommend it to fantasy and romance fans. Great work!
With that, I am onto Drewbie's story!