Apr 2021
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Apr 2021
Apr 2021
yoboketto
Apr '21

Hello! I wanted some feedback on chapter one! If anyone's interested then that would mean a lot for me, thanks <3

Quick Summary: While away on a hunting trip, Kim Taehyung, son of King Kim, wandered over to the ancestral grounds of the werewolf pack, Hyodo. As he grew up hearing the stories about the Battle of Nal, he became intrigued by the creatures that lived far away from him. It was hard for him to accept that these mystical creatures were as feral as his kingdom perceived them to be.

Looping through trees and bushes, wandering through the thick forest with eyes full of wonder he came across something quite …. Different. A horrifying sight of a dying wolf. Although the beast did not seem that appealing to the naked eye, the thick silver fur of the animal was what drew attention first. Yet as soon as the wolf opened its eyes, Taehyung was even more starstruck from the crystal blue orbs that looked straight at him. Unlike anything else he has ever seen before, it was a stunning creature.

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    Apr '21

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CuzWhyNot
Apr '21

I personally think it is really interesting and captivating, but in the beginning part where it talks about the werewolves it was a little choppy. I think if you used a different type of transition for that part it would work a little better.
All in all it was a pretty good chapter, and if you put it up on the main site I would definitely read it!

17 days later
thirdly
Apr '21
1

Disclaimer: I consider myself a slightly above average writer myself. I’m still growing. I have learned and studied for many years, however, and was drawn enough by your first paragraph to let you know what I see as a reader and fellow writer.

Paragraph 1: “Come on over here me boy...” - I will start by saying that this is a strong paragraph as it is. As a casual reader, I find nothing glaringly wrong with it. As a fellow writer, I will focus on things I would have wanted to see. For example, “Doyun said, already tipsy.” I would have wanted more of a description of how Taehyung saw him through his eyes. A rough example: “...huh?” Doyun slurred as he found his footing for the umpteenth time. The group hadn’t even left the kingdom’s front gates and Taehyung already felt they were in bad shape.

Paragraph 2: “…your father’s son alright!” Again, as a casual reader, there wasn’t anything wrong with this. It would be stronger, however, if you explained to us readers WHY Doyun felt that way. Was it because Taehyung didn’t partake in drink, or was it the ‘unpleasant face’ he gave him? A rough example: “...alright!” Doyun laughed as he recalled seeing a similar expression on his brother’s face, openly judging his habit. He took a big gulp of liquor down his throat to chase the (painful?distant?) memory away before setting the empty glass on the small table between them.

Paragraph 3: Nothing wrong with this paragraph, however, as a reader I felt a bit of confusion with the large separation. I know he meant to pause on purpose, but my mind couldn’t grasp what he was saying until a second or third read. I would have liked to see the ‘sentence break’ a little earlier. A rough example: “Don’t be a pooper on your first trip outside the gates,” Doyun continued as he pointed at he two other hunters that were long fast asleep beside them. He gave a shrug as he regarded them. “Ya gonna make us all suffer if you don’t have some fun. Don’t just keep following the rules.”

(Ok. I can't analyze every single paragraph, but just from what I've seen, the first chapter has: 1. Strong storytelling. 2. Intriguing characters. 3. Made me interested in reading more. So, when you post it let me know.

Ways to make it stronger: It feels as if Taehyung is the main character. As much as I'm intrigued and interested in Doyun, if this is Taehyung's story, the one I'm interested in knowing every little thought and sensation about is Taehyung. So, I'm going to closely inspect one more paragraph...

Paragraph 4: It (was) Taehyung’s first-ever trip outside the kingdom gates, he’s been kept inside for most of his life up until his 18th birthday which was only a few days ago. Uncle suggested going hunting as a gift, and Taehyung couldn’t refuse. The reason he was so excited was not that he was eager to kill an innocent creature, but because he had finally been given the chance to see the outside world.

I read this paragraph as if a narrator was explaining it, which is fine for LATER chapters and in-between scenes LATER ON. But, as a reader, I want much more than this. I want to get a taste of who Taehyung is, how he thinks, what he feels...A rough example:

For Taehyung, this was the first time he'd set foot beyond the kingdom gates. As embarrassed as he was at the state of his uncle, he felt a shiver of anticipation buzzing beneath his skin at what he'd come across. Sheltered for 18 arduous years, a part of him was desperate for a change of scenery. When his uncle suggested going hunting as his birthday gift, Taehyung literally jumped at the chance. Not that he was eager to kill off an innocent creature, the excitement that built inside his chest was due to the sheer rush of being given the chance to see the outside world.

(You did give us a taste of how Taehyung feels about this new event in his life, but as readers we always want more...it's like a delicious hamburger...as little kids, we probably were picky and ate them with only cheese and ketchup at best...but, as we grew, we wanted more flavors...tangy, spicy, crunchy, flavorful! In the same way, reading about the main character, it's always a plus if you manage incorporate a few of the 5 senses in whenever you write about how he reacts to something.)

My final word is to take everything I just said with a grain of salt. I'm not perfect, I'm still trying to give readers an immersive experience with my own characters. So, just grab what you want or need of it and keep on writing! Don't forget to send me the link whenever it's posted!