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Dec 2022

Ok... this is my first time doing this here and I would like some feedback... This is a BL novel and I warn you that the chapters are long. I don't know, sometimes I just write and write, I don't intend for them to be that long. I really appreciate the time you are taking to read it. Thanks.

This is the description.

Lester Haydar and Victor Dautt meet again 13 years later after an alleged confrontation. Although they were friends during their childhood and adolescence, now as adults, and without intending it, the feelings they had for each other will be strengthened.

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    Dec '22
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    Jan '23
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Hi

So because I'm doing a reaction episode with your story and have to read it to do the reaction, I thought I might as well give you my feedback. Granted, I haven't read everything, just to chapter 3.

Anyway, your story is quite interesting. I like the whole story idea you have going. And that first chapter, damn I thought that dream was actually real. You did a really great job in describing it. (Your descriptions in general are pretty good.)

One thing I did pick up was your grammar. You tend to go from past to present tense a lot and it makes the story a little hard to read. There wasn't many other grammar problems that I picked up, but it wouldn't hurt to read through your story and check.

Another thing would be background information. The way you're written feels a little like an info dump. Like I feel if you added more thoughts and feelings, it would be easier to connect to Lester. You have a lot of descriptions and actions which is great, but it's missing that understanding. (Eg. Lester is going to sleep on the couch, how does he feel about. Does he get frustrated or heartbroken every time his father asks the same things. Is he just excited about the new job or a little nervous too etc.) Not sure if this makes sense, but hopefully it does.

Lastly, your description of dementia is really good. You've basically hit the nail on the head on what it's like to care for someone with dementia (first-hand experience talking here). One thing again would be Lester's feelings on it. Caring for a family member with dementia can be quite frustrating and exhausting at times.

Anyway, I'm going to end off here for now. I hope this helps :slight_smile:

Aaaaaaah!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! You don't know how much I wanted to have a feedback!!! I needed, I really needed something like this! Many thanks. I will take into account all your recommendations. And I will be very careful with that of the sentences in present and past. I really appreciate you taking the time to read it. This makes me so happy!!!! :heart_eyes::heart_eyes::heart_eyes::heart_eyes::laughing::laughing::laughing::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart:

About what Lester feels about his father, if I have not given many details about it, it is because for now I am describing the childhood and youth of the protagonist and when I mention his adult stage again, his feelings will be mentioned in much more depth​:slight_smile::laughing::heart:

1 month later

closed Jan 7, '23

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