60 / 108
Sep 2023

it's cute how Roy blushes at the first chap - hmm improvement?
Maybe before the story starts, add a chapter of character introductions.
Like a one page thing with frames of the characters iamges and their names.

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Here you go, there are some areas of improvement:

Too much adjectives - curly almond round haired boy,
maybe cut down on that. So that it would make more of an impression, describing his clothes or other things that would define his personality, a bandage over his mouth from previous fights etc.

Feels the paragraphs are not connected/the dialogues as well, I haven't won yet then suddenly someone punched him in the stomach?
Who never learn?

try to consistent.
Where you suddenly use script dialogue
Random Student: "Shoot!....
One of the student suddenly cried out, "Shoot!"
Everyone scattered all over the place, avoiding capture. Once caught, it's detention, and no one wanted to be part of it. In a matter of minutes the place/ground was emptied, leaving only two who were too tired/hurt to run away.
"The Principal's Office now!"

Within the office, with knitted brows, staring over at the curly hair (I think it would be better to start using the name in the beginning, its getting confused who is who as the story goes along), the principal, uttered words of sympathy as she listened to his side of the story and finally told him, "Ben, you are dismissed."

at least (separated)
As Ben exited, Roy came in. Then start their conversation...

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Some of the word bubble is too tight, I can't read at all what the villain was saying (especially at the second last panel of the first chap)

One of the panel, when Pear talk to Toyota,
"It's okay to be nervous. We believe in you, Toyota." (can remove the But, so it's more smooth).

Blurb can use some improvement :
In the vast Amazement Multiverse, our tale unfolds on Earth 33. On Superwoman's inaugural day as an esteemed member of the Mighty Allegiance, an unforeseen calamity strikes. Oblivion seizes control, harnessing the Inhumanity Bracelets, turning her into a destructive force. Now, it falls upon the world's most formidable heroes to unite and halt her relentless rampage.

The idea is quite good, the ending there on the last panel, makes me curious about what will happen next.

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Here's my thoughts after reading the first chapter.
Blurb can be better :
An interstellar odyssey, across the cosmos beckons only the gifted and the young of Earth, a pledge extended by our cosmic visitors—the Architects. Will you stand alongside them in pursuit of their ambitious goals for the universe?"

I really like the first page (abstract wordings and the hand looks great) but it didn't give me that cosmic feel though.

You can just mention to read your comic from left to right but it's good effort that you put into it, to illustrate the sequence of reading.

A little typo "Just (capital letter) go ahead. I (capital letter-there's a lot of small capital 'i') still have work to do."

feels a part is missing.
as the president but ...
(feels like something in between these two lines should have been there)
and that's why we are here to remind ourselves

Hmm, overall the story's good (like the part the alien I expected, is a grim reaper but with glasses (unless that's not what you aiming for) but I think for the conversation maybe get someone to proofread it, as I think the dialogue could have been better.

Just read yours, sorry I don't work on weekends, so a bit late to reply you. Here's some suggestion after reading your first chapter.
Like the cover - Idk I really loved glowing hands haha
But the font I think could be improve-it's slightly too small and hard to read and maybe also like a novel, you should add in your name as well (author's name)
Blurb - is nice and simple but can add a little flair to it.
Daughter of the House XX, Dahlia XX witnessed the downfall and the execution of her family. (I noticed that you didn't mention her last name in the first chap)

Love the first sentence.

A head peeked* out of the window...

I know it's a creative choice to include certain paragraphs spaces in between but it would be better to have 1. But that depends on your choice as I mention so I wouldn't stress on this.

There' some errors (repeated throughout the chapter) here:
"(wrong opening/closing quotation marks) The servants... laze around.", she said with a light smile...
you either ," or ." - don't use .", it's not correct. Another error, the party". As - it should be the party," as she said that or the party." As she said that...

I think just mention hugging her is sufficient, hugging her waist sounds slightly weird
spelling error - they consider less than* them

This sentence was a bit weird
"The then dignified lady was now screaming for the safety of her children"
Maybe consider changing to,
"The once dignified lady now cried out in desperation for the safety of her children."
or "In front of her children safety, the lady forsook all dignity and cried out in desperation for the safety of her children."

Anyone looking to improve - can check out my blog for some writing tips, and we can learn and get better together. Happy to make new author/writer friends - looking for ARC readers if anyone is interested.

thank you very much
English is not my first language so any help is appreciated
I'll definitely make some changes now
thank you again

Glad to help - English is not my first language too , but after writing for a long time myself. I have such similar struggles too haha. It was thanks to other more experienced author who helped pointed the mistakes and helped me to grow.

and now you're doing the same for others
again thank you for your help

Try not to use triangles frame when drawing i.e. the 2nd panel after she wakes up seems like a very tight fit for the character's whole body.

Currently don't have enough time as I am busy with promoting my own book - so I am just doing first chapter.
I don't take full read requests - as it takes even more time to read the whole thing compared to just one chapter.

Done; congrats on 50 subs!
For context, the piece I'm making episodes for picks up in the middle of the whole story I plan on writing; I imagine it being several books long and this would be book 3. I don't come out explaining everything since certain things would have already been explained if I had written and published in order; with that said, I'm curious if it's easy enough to follow along for someone not familiar with the game my work is based on.

Okay noted I’m a bit far ahead in terms of changing quite a lot of my stuff but I’ll definitely bear that in mind as I continue writing because currently I’ve got like 80 pages of the comic done

Hmm for the first chapter - I feel slightly confused, because an old woman picked up something that feels like a stone and says its a baby, for me it was kinda strange. Like how she knows its a baby.
Blurb can be improved.
The cover didn't match with the vibe of the story - your comic feels like an action/adventure type but the flowers feels like you are writing a crime investigation story (a single flower). The banner behind it (the three guys felt it did match the vibe more - I like the one in the center)

First and foremost, sorry I don't know much abt the MMORPG which the story is based on, so I am reading it as a new fantasy story. If you find comments not accurate, you can just ignore them.

For the blurb - I do suggest (optional, since I think yours is pretty good):
When Wolver Squad receives an urgent call to action, it's not just another day on the job. A weapon of unprecedented destruction, far beyond anything the Gremlins have ever crafted, is on the brink of unleashing havoc upon Haven. Armed with scant information, the formidable quartet of Blast, Zimthose, Lance, and Balldrick embarks on a perilous mission deep into enemy territory. Their objective: unearth the enemy's sinister plot and thwart it before irreparable harm befalls their beloved Haven.

Yet, amidst this chaos, ominous signs of impending doom, loom larger: knights mysteriously vanishing, a foreboding message from the sage-like Vise, and the ascent of a Gremlin leader whose ruthlessness surpasses all those before him. Blast makes a solemn vow to protect everyone, but as the challenges mount, he discovers that clinging to his ideals in the face of such overwhelming adversity may be an insurmountable task.
What will he choose? Can he overcome all the adversity?

I really like how you include the images and the lore of the story. Yeah I don't understand most of the terms like who's the Stranger, Moorcroft, King Krogmo, Razwog, Herex etc (although to someone who played the game, they would understand it immediately) (although I do hope for some slight explanation for us (non players haha) but it makes the story interesting -The Wolver squad seems like a reliable squad as Kora mentioned.

There's a space btw the opening quote and A - " About time*
Grammar and spelling I think you delivered them quite nicely, nothing to comment there. The description aren't too lengthy. Although some dialogue for me feels a it tad too long.

But, overall I do quite enjoyed this first chapter. Great work author!

Thank you so much for the feedback! Your own way of writing the synopsis/blurb is astounding, I'll see what I can do to improve it myself. I've tried making the story approachable enough so that people unfamiliar with the game can still pick it up and enjoy, but that's hard to do when this is supposed to be book 3 in the series. I just got tired of re-writing the beginning of the first book so many times and I wanted to write what was ultimately my favorite arc in planning everything out (For context, I rewrote the first ~40 pages of the first book about 5 times, to adjust with every update the game got over the course of ~9 years)

It wasn't until reading some others' stories on here that I realized I should have been including images to help, since I'm not the most confident in depicting things through text. Hopefully I get to a point that it's more supportive than a crutch.
As for the dialogue, I'm sure I'll cut down on it in final drafts, and I have worried that it kinda drolls on from time to time, but most feedback I've gotten is my dialogue feels natural, and that's what I aim for. So it's all about finding a balance there.

Again, thanks so much for the support and feedback; it's really motivating!!!

I have 2 of them but I would appreciate it if you could Review the preview I have published for the Fading Echoes. I wanted to know if the story was appealing and if anyone would read it.

I have liked and subbed to your story!

Hi, I have read yours previously on 17 July - you can check on the feedback that I have given you previously.
If you have revised it and wished for a reread - kindly give some likes on my novel, I will consider to rereading your revised chapter. Thanks!

I never watched the anime- so I am solely judging on the blurb and the preview.

The blurb - Suggestion (Optional):
'Fading Echoes', follows Aoi, a young girl with a tragic past, discovers the powers to time-travel. Like a flap of butterfly wings, Aoi tried to change the past yet sets off a series of unintended consequences in the future. Amid the chaos, Aoi's struggle to control her ever growing powers and balance the delicate threads of her relationships.

Past, present, future with only a thin line separating them; Aoi finds herself at crossroads, torn between the choice of staying or persistently reshaping her past? However if she choose the later, what kind of possible hopes or despair will it bring?

Will all the changes she made - collapses her reality?

(If there's a quote or a sentence/dialogue from the novel - use that to capture readers. Example_
"Can I save you?" she whispered into the air, the cold terrible air which pierced her lung with every breath she took.)

A story of love, redemption, self discovery, and self acceptance.
Prepare to go on a rollercoaster of emotions that will tug at your heartstrings.

Cover - suggest chgning the font used - can't actually see what it says

Will I read this? Yes.
Personal choice - the preview is lengthy for me, usually I decided based on the blurb - although I think it's quite nice to have this too (since you are hyping your story before it's release)

I am also blogging about my writing journey on WordPress/website. Anyone interested could give it a little read. Get some insight.

1 month later

Hello! I recently hit 1,000 views on my web comic and wanted to get the word out there more for it!

Summary: A boy loses his home and family to an unknown tyrant, forcing him to flee to earth where new adventures for him ensue...**