Is teasing just an "acceptable" form of cruelty? (Answered)

[DesiredUsernameTaken]

Teasing friends and family members is pretty common. It's even considered cute and funny in many instances (I'm guilty). It's even considered a mark of a good relationship, something people can take if they're good friends.

However, to tease someone, poke fun at them, make jokes about them, and to embarrass them because it's oh-so-cute when they get embarrassed, is there something inherently cruel about that?

Teasing and embarrassing friends and family is something I've seen to be a fairly delicate situation. You have to really know someone, to get a faint idea of how they might respond, and if it's okay. We don't do that with strangers (and though it happens, I think it's generally considered an bad move). But why do we feel compelled to do that to our friends and family, and make them feel a little uncomfortable for amusement . Why is it bonding? Is it the same as playfighting, or an evolution of that? If there wasn't some meanness to it would we really even do it, because isn't the point to embarrass in some way?

I come across this a lot in fiction. It's often played to be all in good-nature, but something about it often, but not always, comes off as mean-spirited.

Note: If "cruelty" is too-severe of a word, feel free to replace it with something else.

[Scarlet_Cryptid]

I know different people have different tolerances for teasing, and some folks are happy to give as good as they get, but my tolerance for teasing is incredibly low. I will actively avoid people who like to embarrass their friends for kicks, even/especially because they think it's 'cute'. It has always felt cruel to me, not unlike squirting a cat with water just to watch it freak out and run away. It's getting kicks from making someone else uncomfortable. And if someone has mental health issues or even just low self-esteem... who knows what kind of damage teasing might be doing?

...come to think of it, people who used to do this to me in school might be part of the reason I've got a chip on my shoulder and a death glare that'll cut glass.

[igneriss]

I think it depends on who you're teasing and how well you know this person. Even when someone is your close friend, you don't tease them if you know it's not their type of humour.
I have few different groups of friends, with two of them we're teasing each other all the time and I love it. We know each other well enough to know what can we joke about and what topics shouldn't be mentioned. We can tease each other about stupid things we said or did, but never about real insecurities. They can roast me and I'm just dying there out laughter, they do it in the way it's too funny. But again, it works only because we know each other very well, and we know when to stop. I would never say similar stuff to my other friends, and I would not allow someone from outside that circle to tease me like that.

[Swamp]

A lot of teasing can be cruel, but I think the reason is can be seen as part of a good relationship is BECAUSE you need such a strong understanding of the other person's boundaries.

For some people, those boundaries are 'absolutely never, about anything', but I think one of the biggest positive things it can do is diffusing issues.

I used to have very public, humiliating panic attack to the point where I had structured my life around trying not to have them. It was terrifying and embarrassing. When I was younger, before I started having full on meltdowns, people would 'tease' me by grabbing me and laughing at me jumping. In retrospect, that wasn't great for me (though more in a 'middle school kid's are still figuring a lot out' than a 'my friends were cruel or bullies'), but a lot of my college friends would straight up crack jokes while I was seizing on the floor.

That may sound like they were being cruel, but it was the opposite. My friends knew my panic attacks felt like the end of the world to me, like they were this horrible, unspeakable thing. My friends joking was a way to get me out of my head and remind me that what was happening didn't need to be shameful and unspeakable. It helped me have a sense of humor about the situation and calmed me down far more than somebody panicking.

It worked because they knew me well enough to know what would be funny, but it also worked because I knew them. My wife can crack jokes about my disability, looks, and personality that would infuriate me from anyone else, because I know she loves and respects me and isn't using it to pretend her actual cruel feelings are 'a joke'.

[DokiDokiTsuna]

But why do we feel compelled to do that to our friends and family, and make them feel a little uncomfortable for amusement .

I mean...'we' don't, actually. =/ Teasing is common, yes, but not universal. There are plenty of people who have strong, intimate relationships with others that don't involve teasing. It's not even really a thing in every cultural situation.

If there wasn't some meanness to it would we really even do it, because isn't the point to embarrass in some way?

Again, no; the same way humor in general isn't always meant to disparage and humiliate. E.G.:

"...You know my son; he just can't resist a good apple pie. He'd follow you off a cliff if you told him there was pie at the bottom."

^That could definitely count as teasing. It's playful; exaggerated. But it's not really mean-spirited. =/ We can all relate to having a favorite food; there's nothing there to be ashamed of.

If people always tease you in ways that are mean; that really tug at your insecurities and make you feel like they're laughing at you instead of with you...maybe THEY are the problem, not teasing in general. And like people who insist that humor is 'supposed' to be offensive, maybe they insist that they're 'just teasing' to cover up the fact that the only way they know how to have fun with people is to make fun OF them.

[NickRowler]

I think it depends. I had a friend who teased me and it turned into verbal abuse. And when I told them to stop, they just got angry at me. Then I stopped talking to them because I was sick of constantly being belittled.

[VibrantFox]

i think as mention by some folks it comes down to how well the individuals involved know each other, what the established boundaries are and how their tread as well as just general culture in places

like i've had friend groups where group roast sessions were a thing but i also watched some of those go too far and into territory where it felt less like playful teasing and more mean spirited or far too specific jabs at certain things

i will say i don't fully agree on the mindset of middle school teasing being this "their developing so they don't know better" thing because even if they are just "figuring things out" words spoken during that time or any other still effect those they were directed at (coming from someone whose middle school career was mostly hell save for the friends i made and the one counselor who had my back)

as for the "would people still do it if cruelty wasn't a part of it" i dunno because again people and cultures and the way we all interact or hope to interact with each other will always be very different one individual to another and one group to another. i mean heck look at twitter culture with ratios or whatever the hell sometimes it's all gags and games and other times folks seems idk i guess more serious

for me i'm not too big a fan and even if we're close, family included, i've got a lotta boundaries and solid don't cross lines. i don't mind light humor and silly stuff but when it gets personal or specific especially about sensitive subjects or insecurities it's not really "playful" teasing anymore and i see myself as someone who's not half bad at a verbal joust but like...limits exist for a reason and they don't always need to be surpassed

[Swamp]

Deleted previous because I didn't put it as a reply. Sorry

To clarify, I don't mean anything kids do is okay because they don't know better. I was bullied back in middle school (including by people I saw as friends), and that damage can take a lifetime to heal.

I just mean that I don't expect middle schoolers to follow boundaries as well as adults. Like I said, a lot of friends would grab me to scare me and laugh. If an adult friend did that to me, I'd be pissed, because most adults know that grabbing somebody for a reaction is immature, and that people with intense startle responses are often dealing with mental illness or trauma. It's not like it isn't shitty or cruel if a teenager does it, but teenagers are also more likely to do stuff like that without malice. And, because I didn't really understand, I laughed it off instead of doing what I would do not and explaining why they needed to cut that shit out. They didn't have the experience to know they might be genuinely upsetting me, and I didn't have the life experience to tell them.

People are intentionally cruel as teens, and even unintentionally cruelty can leave scars. I'd never tell anyone to minimize that pain, I just think it's important to acknowledge the difference in "friends that teased me about my insecurities because they wanted to hurt me without taking responsibility" and "friends that teased me about my insecurities because they were twelve and it didn't occur to them that anyone would be upset by that"

[TheLemmaLlama]

I personally like it when people tease me. Sometimes I feel like a burden and worry that people are walking on eggshells around me, and being teased makes me feel like they're comfortable enough around me to not feel like they have to watch their words, so I don't feel bad about being around them. And often it's 'teasing' about something I don't consider shameful at all (e.g. really liking cake, or about my weird habits and worldviews that might be conventionally 'loser traits' but I actually take pride in), and that stuff is genuinely not hurtful to me (and yes, that also means people still do it if meanness wasn't a part of it). It usually makes me laugh rather than feel uncomfortable.

Then there's the kind of teasing that's based on making the target a little uncomfortable, like shipping them with a friend and watching them get embarrassed (and if they don't get embarrassed, that inherently takes the fun out of the teasing). I assume that's the kind of teasing you're talking about. I can still buy that people like/don't mind that kind of teasing, but I also dislike it when they tell them to stop but they keep doing it, and that's portrayed as a sign of a close (healthy) relationship

[Kaydreamer]

I don't think teasing is cruel, as long as you know the person being teased isn't hurt by it. And someone being teased by a person close to them may find it simultaneously annoying/embarrassing AND funny - those things aren't mutually exclusive.

Tolerances for teasing vary between individuals, and also between cultures. Making fun of your mates is super normal in Australia, so my personal tolerance for teasing is very high. But subject the average American to standard Aussie teasing, and the American will probably think the Aussie is an arse.

I know I've probably put off a couple of readers with how a few characters in my comic are jesters who love to tease. But those characters are like family, they know each other's boundaries, and I won't water down my own sense of humour (or compromise on characterisation) for the sake of appeal.

[DesiredUsernameTaken]

I know different people have different tolerances for teasing, and some folks are happy to give as good as they get, but my tolerance for teasing is incredibly low. I will actively avoid people who like to embarrass their friends for kicks, even/especially because they think it's 'cute'. It has always felt cruel to me, not unlike squirting a cat with water just to watch it freak out and run away. It's getting kicks from making someone else uncomfortable. And if someone has mental health issues or even just low self-esteem... who knows what kind of damage teasing might be doing?

...come to think of it, people who used to do this to me in school might be part of the reason I've got a chip on my shoulder and a death glare that'll cut glass.

Ooh, gosh, all those times some people scare their cats or dogs and laugh about it . Even when it comes to people, you never know what might be triggered in them when you scare them. But then there's others who find it really funny for themselves to be scared, in safe spaces (like scares during Halloween). I wonder if that has to do with being able to experience something "dangerous", in a safe setting, just like playfighting.

I'm sorry you were put through that in school.

I think it depends on who you're teasing and how well you know this person. Even when someone is your close friend, you don't tease them if you know it's not their type of humour.

This is pretty much my stance on it but I did want to question it, since it's always a good idea to question my stance on things every now and then. My friends and I tease each other a lot, and we always have a good time with it. But sometimes I wonder what exactly about it is funny.

I'm glad you and your friends have something you find a lot of joy in!

It worked because they knew me well enough to know what would be funny, but it also worked because I knew them. My wife can crack jokes about my disability, looks, and personality that would infuriate me from anyone else, because I know she loves and respects me and isn't using it to pretend her actual cruel feelings are 'a joke'.

Thank you for this perspective. It's great to hear you had friends who could do that for you!

I mean...'we' don't, actually. =/ Teasing is common, yes, but not universal. There are plenty of people who have strong, intimate relationships with others that don't involve teasing. It's not even really a thing in every cultural situation.

That's why I didn't say "all of us". Not even body language is universal and it's important not to talk like whatever the subject is at hand applies to "everyone". I can see why it came off like that though, rereading the rest of my original post. I should'a just said "some of us" .

People are intentionally cruel as teens, and even unintentionally cruelty can leave scars. I'd never tell anyone to minimize that pain, I just think it's important to acknowledge the difference in "friends that teased me about my insecurities because they wanted to hurt me without taking responsibility" and "friends that teased me about my insecurities because they were twelve and it didn't occur to them that anyone would be upset by that"

Agreed. There's definitely a difference. Social interactions are complicated and, as noted by many, change depending on several factors. There's often misunderstandings, misinterpretations, and more. Language is complex .

...and watching them get embarrassed (and if they don't get embarrassed, that inherently takes the fun out of the teasing). I assume that's the kind of teasing you're talking about.

This is exactly what I was getting at (or at least part of it). Why I couldn't just sum it up like that, I don't know. Bad case of circumlocutions.
I'm on the same page with the "stop" thing. I think that should always be taken seriously even if someone doesn't mean it seriously. Same as "no".

I know I've probably put off a couple of readers with how a few characters in my comic are jesters who love to tease. But those characters are like family, they know each other's boundaries, and I won't water down my own sense of humour (or compromise on characterisation) for the sake of appeal.

It's your story, and your characters. It's nice to know you stick to what works best for you! Good point about how someone can find the teasing "simultaneously annoying/embarrassing AND funny". More than one thing can be true at once. They can also be contradictory to each other and still be true.

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Thank you everyone who took the time to respond. I enjoyed reading all of your replies

[TheLemmaLlama]

I'm on the same page with the "stop" thing. I think that should always be taken seriously even if someone doesn't mean it seriously. Same as "no".

Maybe we need teasing safewords; 'stop' means 'lmao stop but not really', and 'sasquatch' means 'no really, stop.'

[Calandria]

It's my personal opinion, but I think that also depends on our culture, or our upbringing, I don't know, I'm one of those who makes jokes to her family (being aware of who to make them to) but I also make fun of myself.

[system]

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