Aug 2018
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Aug 2018
Aug 2018
aqua03Party Planner
Aug '18
1

One problem I have when writing the first issue of DRGN is the fact that I can't really come up with an interesting way to both introduce the world, story, and characters to the reader in a decent way. I've written an intro I sort of liked in which the main character is talking about what's going on to hid friend over the phone, but I also feel it needs work. I'd like to hear what you guys think of it. (Ignore the mentions of the crystal monster and statures, I don't know if I'm still going to go with that for the pilot issue.)

Summary

PG 1: We see Flare talking to his friend on the phone about how his vacation is currently going and what he’s been doing. Phoenix then asks him if he’s made any friends during his time there.

PNL 1: We see Flare talking to someone on his phone while at a grocery store.

Flare: So yeah, Kidemanos is a pretty alright town once you’ve lived here for a while. Sure, it’s got nothing on Dawn Metropolis, but it’s not a bad little place once you know your away. Got a surprisingly good local food scene, too.

PNL 2: Flare exits the store with a sandwich in hand while still on the phone.

Flare: The Dragoon team I’m leading? How’d you find that out? I thought my identity was supposed to be a secret. Oh, you saw it on the news, quickly deduced who the red one was due to fighting style, mannerisms, and really huge sword before Queen Windetta told you herself. Huh, should talk with the Black Dragoon about improving the voice filters.....

PNL 3: Flare keeps walking using his fire powers to heat his sandwich.

Flare: Friends? I wouldn’t say I’ve made any friends during my team here. Acquaintances and teammates maybe, but friends?

PNL 4: Flare walks by a strange crystal statue and is slightly weirded out by it, but otherwise pays no mind to it and continues his conversation.

Flare: For the last time, they’re not my friends! Just a random group of dragons I’ve been chosen to lead! Like the team of elite guards I led back home!

PNL 5: Flare exasperatedly agrees to tell her a bit more about them as long as she doesn’t tell anyone while there’s another crystal statue in the background.

Flare: Fine, I’ll tell you a bit more about them if you insist. But you better not tell anyone else, OK? Dragoons are technically still illegal thanks to that scrap-brained treaty we signed with those feather-headed griffons a few years back.

PG 2: Flare says that he hasn’t made any “friends” per se, but he has made acquaintances. He then describes his new friends and teammates to Phoenix.

PNLS 1-6: A splash page showing off each teammate as Flare describes them to Phoenix.

Flare: Let’s see... We’ve got some farm boy who’s got way more brawn than brains, at least if he didn’t get scared at the drop of hat, Some nerd with no social skills who’s the exact opposite, a shouty little girl who constantly talks and acts like she’s in some superhero comic or something, a couple of kids who follow us around everywhere for a school newspaper or something like that, an obnoxiously flamboyant hipster, his weird little pet plant-dog-frog thingy, and finally, a vigilante turned med student who may or may not want me dead. So all in all, a pretty good group....

PG 3: Flare keeps up his conversation while walking before being interrupted by Venblade, who tells him that there’s something wrong down at the pier. Flare hangs up and calls the other five members of the team telling them to meet with him at the pier.

PNL 1: Flare passes by yet another few statues as he makes his way towards a bench.

Flare: I mean, they’re tolerable, but they’re nothing like you guys back home. OK, so maybe they’re a little bit like the guys back home.... Especially that hipster, he really reminds me of one of our teachers. I should probably look into that...

PNL 2: Flare sits on the bench and gets ready to eat his sandwich.

Flare: So as I was saying, Kidemanos isn't that bad for a tourist trap beach town once you’ve gotten used to it and the locals, really. You should really come and visit me soon, it’ll be good to have someone else to share my my pain with and experience some of the town’s local flavor for yourself.

PNL 3: Flare then gets a call from Venblade, forcing him to hang up with Phoenix.

SFX: BeeDeep BeeDeep

Flare: Hey, something just came up. Think I can call you later? Thanks, bye.

PNL 4: Flare then calls up Venblade to ask what the problem is.

Flare: Yo Ven, what’s the problem?

Venblade: The Nether Sensors have picked up reports of a monster that has been turning dragons into crystal.

Flare: So that explains the creepy-looking crystal statues I’ve been seeing! I thought that those were just some weird art installation.

Venblade: It was lasted spotted by the pier, I want you to get the rest of the team to stop it before it gets worse.

Flare: Alright, I’ll get right on it.

Venblade: Good.

PNLS 5-6: Flare then hangs up and calls the rest of the team.

Flare: Dragoons, there’s been a confirmation of a Netherworlder sighting down at the pier. I’m gonna need you all to meet me there dressed for the occasion stat!

PG 4: Splash Page of Flare surrounded by his teammates all answering their phones.

Huky: Ah’ll be right over there in a jiffy! Just hope the monster ain’t too scary...

Bryce: Affirmative! I will be at your location post-haste!

Selena: WE WILL BE THERE AS QUICK AS THE HURRICANE'S WIND!

Zephyr: I guess I could show up, it’s not like I’m in the middle of a date with my girlfriend or feeding my dog-plant-thingy or anything else like that... (That was sarcasm by the way.)

Takeru:...

Flare: Well Takeru, it doesn’t matter if you respond. What matters is that you show up at the pier with the rest of us!

Thanks for the help! If you guys have any good ideas on how to make a good introduction for a superhero/sentai team, I'd love to hear them! :slight_smile:

UPDATE: Fixed Spelling errors and made it easier to read.

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    Aug '18

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ar-ninetysix
Aug '18

Just started reading it, split the pages so we don't have a huge wall of text to read lol

aqua03Party Planner
Aug '18

That's what I was planning on doing. Here, I'll make the text easier to read in the main post. :slight_smile:

ar-ninetysix
Aug '18

I've been thinking it over and I think this might be more appropriate as a prologue rather than a chapter. The length of it, combined with the ending makes me think it'd work better as that. If it were me, I'd have this first chapter go on until the after the fight with the Netherworlder. That way, we get a feel for how the rest of the comic is gonna go. You can make this the first chapter though, or even turn THAT into a one-shot. it tells enough through the pages that'll get someone interested in reading more of it.

laiscnogueira
Aug '18

I think there may be TMI at once, especially when talking about the town and introducing the team. I would shorten the sentences so the reader is not lost absorbing too much.

So yeah, Kidemanos is a pretty alright town once you get to know it. Sure, it can't compare to Dawn Metropolis, but the local food scene is good.

  • Let’s see... We’ve got a buffy farm boy who’s a scared cat.
  • Some nerd with no social skills.
  • An overly-excited little girl.
  • A couple of kids who follow us around for a school newspaper
  • An obnoxiously flamboyant hipster and his weird pet
  • And finally, a vigilante turned med student who may or may not want me dead. So all in all, a pretty good group....

I would advise not to throw every piece of info and personality trait at once. And to show more than to tell.
You will have a whole story for presenting your characters, so it's kinda redundant to do it at the first few pages. Make it slow, as if you are really getting acquainted with someone.

And maybe consider getting your story started with action and then progress to a more calm setting, like start with their first battle together and then make the phone call a way to sum up the things that happened (like the middle or ending of the chapter).
Most author agree it's more interesting forr the readers to start the story as if the first page was from chapter 3, already presenting the problem and then slowly telling the audience the rest.

Of course, that's just my opinion (and personal experience) and I'm not even a comic creator, so feel free to disregard it.

aqua03Party Planner
Aug '18

Neat. Thanks for the advice. Never really thought about it like that.

inkythoughts
Aug '18
1

First, remember that you only get maybe one sentence (5-12 words) in a speech bubble without it looking too cramped. It's easier to use shorter sentences and/or break everything up a bit, otherwise it feels a lot like the character is monologueing on end, which eventually has the same effect as a big wall of text in the beginning that almost everyone always skips. It's really difficult when writing your first script because it reads completely differently in a script than in the finished comic page. It's something you'll figure out when you got your first couple of pages down already, but you still might want to pay attention to it.

Second, you're doing a comic so show, don't tell. You literally have a character describing everything to someone else while it probably would be much, much easier to just show it quite literally and just have very very short commentary on the important things. The phone call between Flare and Phoenix makes it unnecessarily wordy. We don't need Flame's whole life story, especially Page 1 Panel 2 and 4+5 are kind of irrelevant at the moment. Info dumps are very dangerous because they easily can overwhelm your readers, it's too much information to take in all at once and it's annoying to always go back to re-read it because you forgot again.
It probably would be enough if Flare is just thinking about everything kind of like

PNL1: Flare goes into a grocery store. You can see the cityscape. (Really, if you start a comic, especially as opener/introduction to your series, an establishing shot can help a lot)
Kidemanos is a pretty alright town after while.

PNL2: Flare in the grocery store, looking for something to eat.
It’s got nothing on Dawn Metropolis, but it’s not a bad little place once you know your away.

PNL3: Flare exists with a sandwich and uses his fire powers to heat it.
Got a surprisingly good local food scene, too.

PNL4: Flare walks by a strange crystal statue and is slightly weirded out by it, but otherwise pays no mind to it and continues his conversation.
I didn't really make any friends here. Just aquaintances at most.
_Wish I was leading my old Dragon team and not this bunch of ... _
well .

That's how I would rewrite it, sorry that it's just the first page (barely). I think the spread is a really good idea to get Flare's opinion on everyone and then have everything lead to action. @laiscnogueira's advice on that is very sound.

In general I'd say it's easier to focus on one main info at a time. Flare misses his old team mates, and I think it's okay for him to be more persistent in not quite accepting the new team as his friends. I personally would say this would make a good story/conflict for the first episode where Flare finds parallels between his old team and his new one. You can still show him trying to cover it up in the beginning like he obviously does but I think seeing this internal shift actually happening through something that the reader just witnessed might make it much stronger and makes his bond with his new team much more believeable.

And yes, he obviously has a backstory with his old team, but wouldn't it be fun to have him tell some of their adventures to his new team mates (and maybe exaggerating/altering the truth a little bit)? Also actually seeing his awesome fighting skills would be much more interesting than he himself bragging about them. (Well, unless he really likes to brag)
Let people observe your world-building first, even if they don't pick up on everything immediately. It's okay to not reveal everything immediately.

Idk if any of my word jumble makes any sense haha anyway good luck with everything!

aqua03Party Planner
Aug '18

Actually, it does kind of make sense. Thanks for the help, it mess a lot to me. I actually recently figured out what to do for the first episode and I will keep the the phone call, but have it in the middle after an opening fight between Flare's team and the villains. I'm also planning on saving the monster that turns people into crystal for later and instead having the opening monster be a being that preys on people's loneliness, kind of like what you suggested about Flare missing his old team back home.