Looking for feedback, constructive criticism, or a review? Come on in~ (OPEN)

[caffeinatsun]

(Alright, so there are some strings attached--but I swear it's a free service and only costs time!)

Welcome to caffeinatsun’s feedback store~ I know that a lot of us are looking for reviews and feedback on our work, but it’s tough to find. So, I’m offering up my services to promote my work

Let me know when you order whether you want me to read with a critical or fluffy lens, on a 1 - 10 scale (1 being all fluff, and 10 being red pen of doom/maximum nitpicking)_ && WEBNOVELS ONLY for heavy constructive criticism, I’m sorry I’ve been writing for 24 years, but have never created a comic in my life

Woohoo we’re having our first promo sale, come on in~

Inventory

Package A ($)

“Tell me what you think of my first chapter!”
Delivery: via comment or in thread (please specify)
$: Subscribe

Package B ($$)

“Can you read my first (3) chapters and tell me what you think?”
Delivery: via comment or in thread (please specify)
$$: Subscribe & Like All Episodes

Package C ($$$)

“I’m looking for heavy constructive criticism/detailed feedback/review of these (5) chapters”
Delivery: in thread only
$$$: Subscribe, Like All Episodes, Read/Comment on (2) chapters of your choosing (recent preferred)

Terms & Conditions: Purchase required for goods. Order by commenting what package you want. Store will honor all orders placed between 9/6-9/8 with delivery time within 24 hrs. If I like what I read, I’ll definitely subscribe! Disclaimer: my feedback is based on subjective opinion and I'm nothing but an amateur who's worked with a few professional editors. How you feel about your work is always the most important piece of being a writer, my feedback only comes from past personal experiences and tastes.

Read The Necromancer's Knight | Tapas Web Community

[Skyy]

Yknow. I like the point of this actually

[caffeinatsun]

Thank you! Lmao I actually really enjoy giving crit and feedback, so I thought, welp, might as well try to put it to good use and hustle

EDIT: P.S. if you’re already subbed I consider it pre paid 🫶

[Skyy]

Lol I don't really do that I was just saying

[Vayvaction]

I'm already subbed and reading it (very slowly but i really like yours so i might read a few chapters tomorrow and I don't want to be a dead sub. so careful when doing stuff like these you might just be gaining dead subs) but I was wondering if you could do a heavy review on a few of my chapters from the story to the engagement/how you liked it as a reader and how you feel about characters?

Read I Will Be The Death Of You | Tapas Web Community

[caffeinatsun]

@Vayvaction Absolutely, can do! I always appreciate your support so it’s ’pre-paid’ I’ll go through and focus mostly on engagement, general impression of characters and portrayal, and then just my personal opinion on taste (based on the first five chapters). How fluffy or nitpicky would you like me to be on a 1-10 scale? (10 being max nitpick)

My silly hope is that I can sucker people into being my friends with threads like these (it’s a trap!) but TBD on how efficient it is

[miyaskya]

Hi, I'm already subscribed to your story and previously left a couple likes and a comment (and you also left a comment on one of my earlier chapters).

Would you be interested in doing a more detailed review of my story (Chapters 4-8)? I can read through your later chapters and leave more likes and comments.

Read The Silver Sorcerer | Tapas Web Community

[caffeinatsun]

@miyaskya I definitely remember, thanks so much for playing along with all my mutual support efforts 🥰 I’d be happy to do a review on those chapters. Since you’ve already done like 70% of the ‘payment”, in exchange I’ll just ask you to like the remaining chapters and read/comment on any of them 🫶

For the review, on a scale of 1-10 (1- fluffy, 10- nitpicky) how critically would you like me to look at it? And anything in particular you’re looking for feedback on, or should I just cover broad engagement/pacing, technical writing (dialogue/narration/etc), and my general impression?

[miyaskya]

@caffeinatsun
Hi, thank you for offering to do the review! For the review scale, maybe a 5 or 6 (5.5)? You can cover the broad engagement/pacing, technical, general impression.

Also looking for feedback on whether the characters are interesting enough and how they come across to the reader (do they seem melodramatic, cliched, overly philosophical, etc)? Does the way they speak and behave realistically reflect their backgrounds? Are their motivations clear to the reader?

Lastly, since this is supposed to be an action fantasy novel, I'm wondering if the story seems "action-y" enough. Right now it is alternating between action scenes and quieter moments where the characters just talk to each other or reminisce about the past, so I'm wondering if this is a good balance, or if I need to ramp up the action.

[caffeinatsun]

@miyaskya

Engagement/Pacing: This does feel like it has the pace of a traditional fantasy novel rather than “action fantasy”, but that’s not a bad thing! If you want to create a faster pace, an easy trick is to have something clear and obvious for the readers that ties the plot together. For example, giving Murat a clear sense of purpose—ie. what goal is he working towards? (Even if that goal is finding new meaning/discovering purpose because he feels lost). Having him focused on a marker like that can give the reader a sense of “okay, this is what we’re rooting for!” and give them a sense of excitement + movement/progress in the plot even when there isn’t an action scene. Right now it doesn’t have the punchiness or frenetic pace I associate with action, but the world is also much deeper—which I think is powerful and rare.

Writing: You do an amazing job with imagery and dropping in relevant worldbuilding information without it feeling like a lecture. Your descriptions are genuinely very pleasant to read and I think are one of your biggest strengths as a writer! That’s not easy. A lot of people struggle to that effect. What I did notice (at least in these chapters) was that you tend to move between two extremes—all dialogue, or all narration/description—and I think the sweet spot is to always be doing at least 70/30 (in either direction). There are points where it would have been cool to see the Murat & the Silver Sorcerer’s expression, inflection, etc. when they’re talking.

You do this very, very effectively, at several points, especially towards the beginning and end of a chapter/scene. For example, with Yuri and Demyan’s convo at the end of Chapter 8, you do a fantastic job of balancing description and dialogue and it gives a better sense of their characters.

General: I think Ulanbek is your best written character in these chapters! And I really like him. Good job with hinting at Luka and Ulanbek’s relationship—I was very much thinking Ulanbek, at a minimum, had a strong crush/one-sided pining before the Silver Sorcerer came out and said it because you did such a good job interweaving the narration with his personality in his POV scenes. The Silver Sorcerer also strikes me as interesting, mysterious, and teasing/coy. Murat I like, but am so curious about! It is sometimes hard to grasp Murat’s mood and thoughts sometimes; Ulanbek’s thoughts, by contrast, are very clear. For example, how does Murat feel washing Beslan’s blood off his chokha?

Here are some of the misc. notes I kept on the side while I was reading just so you can follow where I’m pulling some of my questions about Murat from:
* “Murat felt as if they were walking into a giant mouth” why?
* Describe how he sees the dragon heart to greater effect—hard to get sense of scale/his reaction until the dialogue starts talking about it
* Hard to grasp how SS feels when speaking about history of mages, dragons, etc; hard to grasp his attitude towards Murat—I’m assuming teacher. Why is he taking care of him?
* “I’m a coward, and I’m weak…” what is he thinking of to make him say this? How does he feel saying this?

I hope this was helpful! Again, this is all just my subjective, personal opinion so I'm not saying any of this is correct/the best way/etc--this is strictly my opinion based on my personal taste. I had a lot of fun reading this!

[Vayvaction]

Perhaps like a 5 and hope you do earn genuine readers or win cause everything (from the book cover to the actual writing) is amazing.

[caffeinatsun]

Thank you so much, you're so kind @Vayvaction! Genuinely, having people like you read and enjoy my story makes it worth the stress of writing a tourney piece, no matter the outcome

It's bedtime for me now, but I'll re-read those chapters and write you a fresh review in the morning!

[miyaskya]

@caffeinatsun
Thanks for the review and glad you enjoyed the story!
Happy to hear that you thought Ulanbek was the best written character so far. I only invented him after writing the first four chapters, since I figured the story needed a larger cast to keep things interesting. Yuri and Demyan were created as new characters for similar reasons (and also to show that the Vargoranth aren't a monolithic bloc of one-dimensional villains).

Thanks for the feedback on Murat. I'll go back and see if I can make his thoughts and moods more clear (especially since he's the MC). In general, he suffers from low self-esteem because he doesn't believe he lives up to his community's ideals of what a person of his background should be like (Chapter 1 explains that Murat is the chieftain's second son and, unlike his much admired older brother, he has mediocre fighting skills and gets tired easily, which is why he considers himself weak. His community also values bravery and courage, and he feels like he lacks these things since he gets scared easily and is often indecisive). Lastly, he is also dealing with survivor's guilt since everyone else he knows perished during the invasion of his village.

As for giving Murat a clear sense of purpose, at the moment he's just trying to survive, but he also feels that he needs to avenge his people (which might lead to some future chapters where there will be a "training montage" with Ulanbek and/or he learns magic from the Silver Sorcerer. Without spoiling too much, he will eventually realize that vengeance is not the way to go (I'm basically making up the story chapter by chapter, so I haven't figured out the entire plot in full detail yet).

Regarding that line where “Murat felt as if they were walking into a giant mouth”, I'll add more sensory detail to explain that better. He has a vivid imagination and is feeling intimidated walking into the cave, so he feels like the cave is a monster and that he is walking into the monster's mouth.

Why is the Silver Sorcerer taking care of Murat when he has already stated that he distrusts humans? That will be elaborated on in Chapter 9, which I am currently in the process of writing ^^

Thank you again for the review! I finished reading all the available chapters of your story and am liking it a lot so far. The battle scene descriptions are very vivid and the characters are intriguing.

[SwordSong]

I've subbed to your story, and I'm enjoying the first chapter so far. I don't usually like it when a story suddenly drops you into an intense action scene, but somehow you made it work.

Hope to get some honest feedback for my story since I'm really pantsing this, so I want to know if there's anything I can adjust/improve before it gets too far ahead.

Read If I Die Tonight, Will You Remember Me? | Tapas Web Community

[caffeinatsun]

@Vayvaction sorry this took me longer than expected! Brain was slow to wake up this morning.

Engagement/Pacing: I think you were really smart to introduce the childhood friends (Audrey & Vincent’s relationship especially) at the start, because it really adds a level of emotional depth to the work and gets quick investment from the reader. I was intrigued and found myself genuinely wanting to figure out how Vincent got to where he is! I think if a little bit more is explained in the opening paragraphs about the background of the kingdom, establishing early on that Riona is the princess of the Elven Kingdom and it’s the only elven kingdom, etc. It also would add a lot to see/learn more about her friendship with Audrey, since revenge for her death (plus the kingdom ofc) seems to be the driving force of the story. I think really hammering in her motivations and what she brings to the table, what she’s lost from the trauma, would make the plot absolutely take off and fly at a page-turning, stay up past bedtime reading, kind of pace

Characters: Vincent grabbed me really early on as an interesting character! I think it’s because Riona’s inner narrative spends time wondering about why he has changed and making it very clear that his behavior is confusing for her, so it brings him to life. Adonis, by contrast, really comes alive in his POV chapters, but can feel a little flat via Riona’s because we don’t get told much about his expressions, what she is thinking/wondering about him, how she interprets his behavior. And maybe she just doesn’t! But having her inner dialogue demonstrate it would help too. He’s a little confusing for me, because he is over-warm and then quickly swings the other way, so extra clarity on whether she thinks he’s full of shit/wearing a mask/or is just moody af would help.

As for Riona, I think more about her kingdom, her history, would get me more invested in her, but as it is I find her likable—but sometimes confusing. Like why she gets frustrated when she’s usually quite resigned, or there’s a bit that describes her as lacking any remaining pride, but she seems to have it still in my eyes! I think maybe a few extra paragraphs hinting in Chap. 1 what she went through as a slave to have what little life was left of her sucked out like that and leave her so broken would help round that off. Adonis and his motivations and how he thinks are crystal clear once we get to his POV in Chap 5, so fantastic job there!

General: I really like the opening of this and that it’s a different spin on the revenge trope and could have easily gone the regressor route but didn’t! It makes the plot feel really fresh and unique compared to other titles out there. Sometimes, I found myself wishing there were more breaks between scenes rather than a continuous flow, because I found myself a little bit confused re: how much time was passing and what I was supposed to be focusing on. Totally separate, I think using Riona’s emotional inner world and reminiscing as a tool could really make this shine! I think in Chapter 1 the reader might benefit from a small description or her perception of Adonis, because I did think he was a greasy, fat, pervy, old duke she needed rescuing from until I kept reading—don’t ask me why! I think it was just the setting, paying a ton for an ‘exotic’ slave, and the hand kiss. This plot, world, and characters have endless potential to explore and I’m so curious to see where you take them!

(Psst, early on there is a line where you accidentally use Adonis’ name instead of Riona’s, and I thought her name was Adonis for the rest of that page—I think it was Ch. 2? Whenever Adonis first talks to her in the manor—but I caught on the next time Adonis mentions her by name)

Take this with a grain of salt (aka take what resonates with you, leave the rest) because it's just the opinion of a chronically-online writer! I really enjoyed getting to know your characters and world, thank you for sharing

[caffeinatsun]

@SwordSong sure thing! I don't do heavy feedback for Ch. 1/Package A read-throughs, but I will definitely make sure to share my honest impression and point out see anything I think could be tweaked to greater effect

[BreeBaxter]

Tell me what you think of my first chapter! Read with a critical lens 10. Crush my soul!

Subscribed and liked all episodes!

Read Bree Baxter's Haunted Life | Tapas Web Community

[caffeinatsun]

@BreeBaxter LMFAO alright let’s rawdog this~ I’ll get to reading after lunch 🫡

[caffeinatsun]

@SwordSong done! I try not to leave constructive criticism in people's comments sections, so I just focused on the good, because your writing is really strong! So strong that if I ran into any little grammar errors it broke my immersion (I can never proofread my own work before I publish tbh, I end up blind to it until weeks later) so I would just run a fine-toothed comb over that and it's near flawless. At one point I found myself wishing for a little more imagery and description of Gael going through town, looking for the Anomaly, so it has a bit more impact when he gets slammed into a building.

[caffeinatsun]

@BreeBaxter

First off, I love how the writing style perfectly conveys Bree’s personality—it’s a fantastic example of show, don’t tell. Bree doesn’t need to tell us how confident, sassy, and quick-minded she is, because we can see it for ourselves. The use of emojis in the narration takes me out of it and is a little jarring (unless this is meant to be her livejournal or something to that effect, in which case it might help to say that; ‘entry 244, sep. 7th, 9:00 AM’) but as a stylistic effect it gets her personality across. Likewise, same thing happened for me when ‘wtf’ was in her external dialogue instead of ‘what the fuck’, a little jarring. Unless she is literally saying the letters wtf, which isn’t totally clear. But you do a good job capturing very strong Gen Z influencer vibes.

That being said, I think a little more at the beginning, just to make it clear what kind of influencer she is, would have been helpful. Like, alright, she’s about to stream a game—is she a Twitch streamer? Is this her normal niche? Does she cover a million games a year, or is she a beauty influencer who dabbles once in a while to expand her demographic? Just a touch more exposition would have been nice.

Describing the mansion a little bit more before it starts warping may also be useful—the chandelier, for example. What did it look like before it started glitching? Why is it so immediately jarring? This is, after all, a game. It would be a useful opportunity to have Bree notice and explicitly call out (in her head) how that’s just one more thing that’s clearly off, or how the developers were on crack, etc, etc. Same thing with the walls breathing and moving; is there floral wallpaper that’s distorting? Wooden panels? Paint the scene just a little more and the horror element will be more effective. Because the tacky zombie becoming a resident evil monstrosity is so well painted, by contrast.

I was also confused and just don’t know how to picture her flailing, trying to take her headset off, and how her hand goes through her body—that could just be me, because I’ve never played with a VR headset in my life, but I didn’t know whether I was supposed to be visualizing her game avatar or her physical body there. The bit at the end though, with her phone buzzing “Restart?” over and over was fantastic though, super strong hook to end the chapter on and have the reader clicking next on. You're a strong writer and get so much right, just a little polish, like a 10% polish, and you've got something really addictive.

As always, this is just my two cents! (And I'm a little old school, so, there's that.) Take what works for you, leave what doesn't. I had a lot of fun reading this one, thank you so much for the opportunity