Looking for feedback on my BL novel

[Penguinie]

I'm a new writer looking for readers who will give me honest and constructive feedback (harsh critiques allowed).

I'm worried about the pacing of the story - some parts are slower, while some parts are more action-oriented and lots of things happen.

The story is a mix of romance, drama, and political mystery set within an empire of diverse kingdoms. The mystery revolves around healthcare, empire secrets, and secondary traits (Alpha, Omegas, and Betas). I've also spent some time fleshing out the biological mechanisms of my tweaked Omegaverse.

Thank you so much. - penguinie

Read Bound: The Andromedus Affairs | Tapas Web Community

[Maki-08]

Notes while reading chapters 1 & 2:

• The first chapter is more appropriate as an appendix. I would format the information into appendix entries and place them in an appropriately titled chapter at the end of the work or a season.

• The dialogue section in the first chapter reads a bit out of place. The chapter begins with information that the reader could find in a history book before transitioning to an exchange between two people. If the content of the dialogue is important, I would suggest restructuring the section so that it is more stylistically consistent with the chapter’s opening paragraphs (1).

• “Alpha,” “Beta,” “Omega,” and “Omegaverse” should be in lowercase since they are not proper nouns.

• I think it would be more effective to create omegaverse terminology that is unique to the story’s universe. This way it will feel lived in and real and consistent across aspects of the worldbuilding.

• Many of the paragraphs should be joined together to form larger paragraphs so that the delivery of ideas and the progression of a chapter is clearer. If the time, place, topic, or person doesn’t change then don’t start a new paragraph. This will make it easier for the reader to follow what’s happening. What stood out especially were the paragraphs where Benjamin was speaking to himself (ch.2, 4-5). This should be one paragraph since there are no other characters introduced in the chapter at this point and the reader is still in Benjamin’s head.

• Beginning with the dream makes it feel as if it is placed at the beginning to manufacture a fast-paced introduction. There is not enough context to understand what is happening in the dream or why its happening. Dream sequences – like flashbacks – are more effective when their introduction into the story is foreshadowed.

• Don’t tell the reader that Benjamin is in his childhood bedroom. Show them that he is in his childhood bedroom by describe how it makes him feel, how it has remained unchanged, or how familiar he is with where things are.

• Some of the sentences are a bit clunky. I would focus more on making the writing clearer and more concise. For example, instead of writing: "Looking out the window across from his bed, it was still early in the morning. Living on the outskirts of the city, near the edge of the forest, it was hauntingly still and quiet" (2). I would workshop this into something like: Bejamin looked out the window. The morning was hauntingly still and quiet.
  From here, you can expand on this passage by describing how Benjamin expects to hear certain sounds contrasted with how empty the outside environment looks or feels; or how he doesn’t feel quite at home despite living in his childhood home; or how much the place has changed, making him feel as if he doesn’t quite belong.

• The worldbuilding should be more organic. I would refrain from explicitly stating that Aster is the capital of the Kingdom of Isadora. Your characters should know this information, so revealing it to the reader makes it clear that the narrator is revealing this information for the sake of revealing this information. It doesn’t read as something the character or the narrator would reveal because it was consistent with their personality and was the natural conclusion of a thought or a piece of dialogue or a description.

• I would open the story with Benjamin working at the clinic or making a house call to Madam Wagner’s brothel. It would be a clear, easy, and efficient way to establish where he is, what he does, who he is, and how the people in his hometown see him through their interactions.

• The internal dialogue feels a bit forced. I would substitute some of the dialogue with action. For example, instead of writing: “I have to go to Madam Wagner’s” (2), I would have him check the time or check his calendar. Sometimes, actions are more effective than dialogue and can convey more information with fewer words.

• Too much information about Madam Wagner was revealed too soon (2). I would withhold this information until the audience is formally introduced with the Madam and sufficient setup has been laid out for the reveal. As of the second chapter, her backstory is not important. The audience isn’t even sure if she’s going to be an important character, so the reveal feels worthless and misplaced. It reads like I learned who the murder is in a mystery novel before the actual crime is introduced.

Resources:

• For language (creating names and terminology): The Art of Language Invention Series by David Peterson – YouTube

[Penguinie]

Thank you so much! This is super duper helpful. I will go back and revise I'm so grateful!!!!!

[Penguinie]

Notes while reading chapters 1 & 2:

The first chapter is more appropriate as an appendix. I would format the information into appendix entries and place them in an appropriately titled chapter at the end of the work or a season.
The dialogue section in the first chapter reads a bit out of place. The chapter begins with information that the reader could find in a history book before transitioning to an exchange between two people. If the content of the dialogue is important, I would suggest restructuring the section so that it is more stylistically consistent with the chapter’s opening paragraphs (1).
“Alpha,” “Beta,” “Omega,” and “Omegaverse” should be in lowercase since they are not proper nouns.
I think it would be more effective to create omegaverse terminology that is unique to the story’s universe. This way it will feel lived in and real and consistent across aspects of the worldbuilding.
Many of the paragraphs should be joined together to form larger paragraphs so that the delivery of ideas and the progression of a chapter is clearer. If the time, place, topic, or person doesn’t change then don’t start a new paragraph. This will make it easier for the reader to follow what’s happening. What stood out especially were the paragraphs where Benjamin was speaking to himself (ch.2, 4-5). This should be one paragraph since there are no other characters introduced in the chapter at this point and the reader is still in Benjamin’s head.
Beginning with the dream makes it feel as if it is placed at the beginning to manufacture a fast-paced introduction. There is not enough context to understand what is happening in the dream or why its happening. Dream sequences – like flashbacks – are more effective when their introduction into the story is foreshadowed.
Don’t tell the reader that Benjamin is in his childhood bedroom. Show them that he is in his childhood bedroom by describe how it makes him feel, how it has remained unchanged, or how familiar he is with where things are.
Some of the sentences are a bit clunky. I would focus more on making the writing clearer and more concise. For example, instead of writing: "Looking out the window across from his bed, it was still early in the morning. Living on the outskirts of the city, near the edge of the forest, it was hauntingly still and quiet" (2). I would workshop this into something like: Bejamin looked out the window. The morning was hauntingly still and quiet.From here, you can expand on this passage by describing how Benjamin expects to hear certain sounds contrasted with how empty the outside environment looks or feels; or how he doesn’t feel quite at home despite living in his childhood home; or how much the place has changed, making him feel as if he doesn’t quite belong.
The worldbuilding should be more organic. I would refrain from explicitly stating that Aster is the capital of the Kingdom of Isadora. Your characters should know this information, so revealing it to the reader makes it clear that the narrator is revealing this information for the sake of revealing this information. It doesn’t read as something the character or the narrator would reveal because it was consistent with their personality and was the natural conclusion of a thought or a piece of dialogue or a description.
I would open the story with Benjamin working at the clinic or making a house call to Madam Wagner’s brothel. It would be a clear, easy, and efficient way to establish where he is, what he does, who he is, and how the people in his hometown see him through their interactions.
The internal dialogue feels a bit forced. I would substitute some of the dialogue with action. For example, instead of writing: “I have to go to Madam Wagner’s” (2), I would have him check the time or check his calendar. Sometimes, actions are more effective than dialogue and can convey more information with fewer words.
Too much information about Madam Wagner was revealed too soon (2). I would withhold this information until the audience is formally introduced with the Madam and sufficient setup has been laid out for the reveal. As of the second chapter, her backstory is not important. The audience isn’t even sure if she’s going to be an important character, so the reveal feels worthless and misplaced. It reads like I learned who the murder is in a mystery novel before the actual crime is introduced.

Resources:

For language (creating names and terminology): The Art of Language Invention Series by David Peterson – YouTube

Can I DM you for some questions?