Dec 2019
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Dec 2019
Jan 2020
IndigoShirtProd
Dec '19
HGohwell

I understand your dislike and while I don't know how valid the term micro cheating is, I do think emotional cheating is a thing that happens. Emotional cheating is usually the more painful type of cheating, especially when the parties involved claim to be in a committed relationship. If you had a significant other who said they'd only be for you, then you find out that they were saying the same things to someone else, I feel like that would be more of a betrayal.

Back to the OP. If it's a joke, it's a joke. I think the issue here is him doing this behind her back. It doesn't seem like he made it clear to his girlfriend or the other girl involved that the "flirtationship" was a joke. If the joke was so obvious, why did he need to explain it? This probably a lack of communication, though I can't say that much given my ignorance about the two, I mean three people involved.

gempompadour
Dec '19

I'm finnish and kesäheila term is definitely something people I know wouldn't use when in a relationship. Not even as a joke. It's cheating and joking about it (if he's telling the truth) is weird. I'd definitely be suspicious and if his gf of 3 years left him for a few texts I think something else has been going on that you're possibly not privy to.

And since the rise of far right/PUA/red pill shit who knows, maybe your brother has changed a little? Spinning plates is a term used to describe dating many girls at the same time without telling any of them. Kesäheila fits perfectly here. Is he looking for a fling to spice up a 3 year relationship and got caught? Or maybe he's a good guy and all this is speculation. I mean no harm! I just see devils everywhere.

HGohwell
Dec '19

Ok I honestly just want to show you guys some of the things that genuinely come up on lists of "microcheating behaviors and warning signs":

  • Your SO is taking care of their appearance.
  • Your SO isn't letting you see their phone when you demand it.
  • Your SO is going out without you.
  • Your SO is excited to see friends.
  • Your SO follows attractive people on social media
  • Your SO is confiding in or venting to someone else.
  • Your SO is sending someone else memes.
  • Your SO asks someone who isn't you for advice
  • Your SO has inside jokes with someone else
  • Your SO closes their eyes when they "need a moment".
  • Your SO does something nice for someone else
  • Your SO tells someone else they're thinking about them when not their birthday/other event
  • Your SO pays for things for their friends
  • Your SO recommends things for you to wear
  • Your SO has strong opinions about physical cheating.

All signs your SO is micro-cheating you should be aware they're probably outright cheating too. If you're showing an of these signs you're probably cheating too.

vothnthorvaldson
Dec '19
HGohwell

Good point (however, I don't know if it's applicable here).

I'm pansexual, and if I had to count the number of times people implied that I can't have a non-sexual relationship with anyone vaguely in my age group.. It's crazy how people will assume that if you may theoretically be interested in a person, you must be flirting with them. Thank you people for taking away from me the simple possibility of a friendship :rage:

What I generally say to them (only work with straight people, also theoretically with 100% gay people but social pressure often do alter that somewhat), is that if the behavior is something they would do with the the gender they are not attracted to, that's likely NOT flirting, and vice-versa.
There are a lot of exception, and the personality of the person has to be taken in account, but as a general rule it works for guiding people about me and the fact I'm pan.

elyss
Dec '19
HGohwell

Yeah, that's what he thought he was doing. Something harmless, something flirty. I confronted him about it and he thought it was harmless because he's just 'naturally touchy with people.' It's why our relationship was r salvageable.

I feel like my situation was an example of small flirting and touches turning into just full blown cheating.

ninjashira
Dec '19

I personally hate the term "microcheating," because it minimizes the fact that it's still cheating. It's like it's trying to make it seem like they didn't actually cheat, they just cheated a little, so it's not as bad. "I flirted with another person and I kissed them once, but it's not like we had sex, so I'm not a total jerk."

HGohwell
Dec '19

But that is cheating. I've never seen anyone apply microcheating to that. Microcheating is "small, seemingly harmless things that you might not notice but are still cheating". See my post above for things that are actually considered microcheating by a lot of articles.

AceRagz
Dec '19
1
HGohwell

There are several things on this list that I can see as can as over blowing a situation and require context in each situation otherwise it is over reacting.

feardeer
Dec '19

It depends on the relationship. I might be a little biased since I have some unusual views on relationships in general, but I see flirting as silly fun most of the time. That said, communicating your boundaries and comfort levels with your partner is paramount. Don't just assume they'll be okay with it, and don't be dismissive of their concerns. In the context of your brother and the way you've described him, I don't see it as a fun joke, just a bright red warning flag. His ex was right to be upset, and I have to wonder how he'd have reacted if their roles had been reversed.

Freemints30
Dec '19

I hate that term with a passion of 100 burning suns. It is either cheating or its not. Yes there are situation where is ambiguous like the ones above, however those are more of a communication issues that were already present . But your brother, no offense, seems like a bit of a tool and this might have been the straw that broke the camel's back, in a long line of problems.

rajillustration
Dec '19

Chances are the texts weren't the first offense. I dated a guy who was juggling so many random girls and whenever I confronted him about it (it was so freakin obvious on Facebook and everyone was telling me what he was up to, it was just so blatant) that he was like "Oh it's nothing" because he just wanted to have as many "options" open as he could. Anyways I got tired of being just another option, so I cut him off.

He thought it was over a smaller thing, because that was the thing the he was caught doing when I finally snapped and was like "this is done"--but it was only the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak. He had been a bucket of flirty problems with every girl he came in contact with since day 1.

And then he turned around and told everyone I knew that I was crazy for breaking up with him and it's like...no one even listened to him at that point they were like "yeah he's one of those." I doubt your bro is as bad as this particular guy was--this particular guy was unique in his douchiness--but firty texts are like cockroaches, you see one that means there's a thousand others hiding somewhere in your apartment.

ratiqueDirector, Community (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧
Dec '19

I suspect that this wasn't her only reason to end a 3 year long relationship, but aside of that:

After 3 years I would suspect that he knows the limits of what is acceptable for his now Ex and what isn't. He crossed that line knowingly anyways and she is in the right to cut him off before the "joke" becomes reality.

beta1042
Dec '19

If you don't trust the person you're with after that long of time, it probably is the best move to break up and move on.

vfinnigan
Dec '19

Hard nope. I'd have dumped him too. Even if he was joking, he obviously let that other relationship get far too intimate.

indagold
Dec '19

There's no such thing as microcheating because why go into a committed relationship and cheat in the first place? If you're that bad at monogamy just do hook ups or open relationships, problem solved. Why are people so dumb lol

LordVincent
Dec '19

Cheating at its core is a matter of breaking boundaries and lacking respect for the partner's wishes. People who do these things would more often than not be equally bad in a polyamorous or friends-with-benefits relationship because their lack of respect for other people and their limits is still there.

So in a polyamorous relationship for example, the person would break agreed upon boundaries in regards to how many partners the people involved may be willing to introduce, the rate at which new partners are welcomed, they may engage in romantic relationships with people outside the agreed partnerhood without letting anyone know (if such a requirement is agreed upon, which it often is in long term poly relationships).

In a friends-with-benefits situation the person might start sleeping with the partner's sister/brother, their close friends, they might start pushing them to do sexual activities they are uncomfortable with...

Basically cheating at its core is not a unique concept, it's one of the many forms that abuse and disrespect within intimate relations can take. People who cheat because they are poly, or gay, or aromantic or whatever are extremely rare. People who are those things AND cheat most likely exist in the same percentage among cheaters as they do in the general population, but their sexual/romantic orientation is not their main reason for cheating. People cheat for the same reasons that they neglect, insult and manipulate. They are selfish, broken, abusive and pathetic people.

indagold
Dec '19

Poly isn't hook ups though and poly isn't an lgbt identity, it's just a relationship choice. People can choose to be poly or monogamous.

Cavechan
Dec '19

I don't blame her at all, but like another poster said, maybe the boundaries weren't clear or discussed. Like some people think just watching porn is cheating. Some people would consider this friendly banter. Personally, I would be very upset with my husband if he talked to someone else in this way. He has me to talk to in that way, he shouldn't have to go to someone else for it. And if someone else tried to approach him, I'd totally be like "BACK OFF". But luckily my husband is weird so that hasn't happened. lol

LordVincent
Dec '19
indagold

Poly is not hookups, I didn't say it is. Polyamorous relationships are relationships involving more than 2 people where the terms of the relationship are agreed upon with all the people involved. Cheating can exist in polyamorous relationships too because cheating is essentially just breaking the boundaries that were agreed upon, whatever those may be.

Poly can, however, be an identity. Whether or not it belongs under the lgbt umbrella is a debate I won't go into, but poly is an identity. Some people love in a way that is very exclusive. When it becomes exclusive varies, but regardless they are only suited for monogamy. That would be someone who not only engages in monogamous relationships, but has a monogamous identity. Some people are so likely to fall in love with multiple people that they simply would never work in a monogamous relationship. It would make them feel trapped. This would be someone who does not just engage in polyamorous relationships, but has a polyamorous identity.
A lot of people fall somewhere inbetween and could engage in either, but are more likely to go monogamous since that is just the easiest way to go in current society. These people, unlike the people with a poly identity, don't feel trapped in a monogamous relationship because polyamorous freedom is not a fundamental need for them in intimate relationships.

penguininvasion
Dec '19

I like what @LordVincent said; no matter what you call it, cheating means crossing boundaries that have already been established for the relationship.

My husband and I have a very close relationship and we talk about pretty much everything. And we've talked about flirting with others and whatnot. It doesn't bother us, so we do it. We both have our crushes and we talk about it all the time, too. But we both know that neither of us will just go off and have private conversations with another person and keep it from each other. If he flirts with his crush, I hear all about it because I enjoy it. It goes both ways. But we're not ever going to keep something from the other person because that crosses a line.

Communication, communication, communication.