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Jun 2019

Odd question I know. And sorry if this is too long.
Honestly can't believe I'm talking about this truthfully.

But I've had these feelings for a while so I was curious if what I'm dealing with is pretty common.

I'll try to explain as best I can.
At times I find myself not knowing who I truly am as a person or what my passions or interests are. This is also followed by depression that can go days or weeks. Most of the time I manage it pretty well by ignoring it all and pushing through but things have intensified as of late. A lot has been going on in my life lately such as losing some family members, job changing, and on top of that moving so I'm not sure if that's just fueling it or what.

Usually when I get like this, I start to question my passion of being an artist as well as questioning my day job as a developer. I tend to feel unmotivated and often wonder if I should quit all of it. But then have no idea what I'd do if I did quit. I'm hesitant to let them go because I do still love being an artist and a developer. It doesn't stop there though. My head starts filling with thoughts that people around me are doing things to be malicious at times as well as a bunch of other negative thoughts that just spiral and make me feel worse and worse... It makes me super upset because I know it's all in my head and it's not the truth but I can't help thinking that way.

I have become pessimistic of a lot of things in more recent years. I think back to how I used to be when I was younger and I feel as if I was much happier and had more of a solid idea of who I was and what I wanted to do. I also never had these thoughts and was always able to see the best in everything with no negativity coming to mind. I want to return to that but I have no idea how.

I feel like if I could just shake this negative garbage, I could be a happier person overall and remain motivated to keep up with my passions. I know the people around me love me, and I'm fortunate to have a job to help me survive. But this stupid rain cloud just keeps lingering. Growing and shrinking in a cycle. It's like. Logically I know I shouldn't feel this way but the emotional side of me is bugged or something.

Is this weird? I was a bit hesitant to post this because I'm pretty reserved about it normally because most people I've mentioned it to in real time have either not understood or just gave me the glorious advice of "just be happy". However it's really bothering me today and it feels like I need to leave work to avoid shutting down. According to my SO, I had a mental break some weeks ago which is wild because I'm usually stronger than this so it's somewhat alarming to hear that. So spur of the moment or not, I said what the hell.

I'd prefer not to get to this point again so maybe talking about it on here will help? Idk.

Any of you experience anything similar?

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    Jun '19
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    Jun '19
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I suffer from a bunch of things, including depression, and what you describe is similar to some of my own symptoms.
So: you are NOT alone! Plenty of people deal with this on a regular basis, and even if it's a mental illness, it's not uncommon. We survive. We learn to live with it.
The best thing I can suggest to do is try to see a professional. A therapy sounds horrible I know, but it helps a lot.

It is important to keep a few things in mind when you are struggling with such thoughts.

  • Most of the time, depression doesn't want you to be happy. So it will put these thoughts in your mind to ruin your happy moments. Rejoice! It means you ARE able to feel happiness!
  • Depression can be fought with the help of medication, that will help your brain produce the proper chemicals. Mental illnesses often result in (or with) a change in chemical proportions in your brains, which in turns make you more depressed.
  • It is not "in your head". Not any more than the flu would be.

Don't give up what you love, even if your positive feelings aren't as intense as they used to be. They're still there. Cherish them!

In this period you have gone through a lot, so is normal to feel overwhelmed.

Losing family members is tough. Specially if you were really close. Sometimes a time to grief the loved ones can help with closure and move on when you are ready. But at the same time you are changing your job and home, which have kept you busy.

Sometimes writing down what you feel can help you in this moments. Try to let it out in the healthiest way possible. Holding up what you feel can cause those feelings to overwhelm you.

If you need to cry for your loved ones, cry. If you need to talk to someone about it, do it. Maybe talking with your SO can help.

Going to a psychologist-therapist can help you get a proper diagnosis and see what is going on.

And if for any reason there is no one else to talk about it, you can pm me if you want.

I had the unfortunate timing to go through depression during my critical year of university whilst studying animation, which I'm no longer afraid to admit. My circumstances at the time were of my own negligence and fault with how I chose to act.

I left graduating but without Honours, which really rattled me along with a few other instances outwit of my control that put me in a negative spiral.

Ngl soon as I read 'not knowing about passions or interests' I could relate heavily as I've gone through that revolving door once or twice. As you say it's not simple enough to be happy, even if you force it you just make yourself worse.

I can't exactly give an answer as to what to do about it because we all work in our own way but indeed by sharing your experience you have done the right thing in releasing the pressure that gets built up in the background.

I have my days where I don't feel like doing anything and order a terrible take out and feel shite for it because I know its not healthy - so I am nowhere near in a zen like state of mind.

I'll admit I'm trepidatious to say something regarding me because I don't know if I'll come across as overconfident/selfish (like as making the convo about me type deal) or if it will be of some use; my problem was that I overanalysed the things that went wrong to the point of repeating the same thoughts over and over for months with little to know change or productivity towards anything. Since I accepted what went wrong and that I couldn't change it I've gradually become more and more passionate for my creativity again. I struggle now and then but I feel that I am better than where I was a year ago without a plan or a drive to do anything.

In summary; I'd say talking about it helps relieve your thoughts and gives you much in the same way collaborating with artists opens your head to ideas or things you may not have thought of, but also taking action can help massively; it doesn't have to be something massive like a page or a piece of art but something as simple as walking for a bit or reading a book that can help inspire ideas you might be struggling with.

And yep I've massively contradicted myself but such is me. It's okay to feel shite and have some thoughts but it's better to let them out and move forward however which way helps.

Why do people say things like that?? Even if they're anti-psychology and/or don't understand that depression is a thing, what makes anyone think that's good advice? If the person in question could 'just be happy', do they really think they would reach out for help? 'Oh, you're sick? Just be healthy!' Smdh...

Anyway, speaking of reaching out, that's my advice: don't be afraid to seek help. It sounds like you're going through some kind of dissociative depression, and for that I truly believe professional help would be best. Therapy does work, and you don't have to be miserable. If there are affordable options for it in your area, I encourage you to give them a try.

Thanks Minerrale.
A teacher of mine sent me to an on campus therapist once and it has turned me off from therapists because of how bad it was. It might be a bit before I consider seeing one again. Maybe I could ask my doctor about meds. I just feel weird about it.
I'll try to keep going. Thanks for the motivational words.

Thanks Diego. As a guy it's hard to just be expressive and cry about things because of stereotypes and junk so I do hold back a lot which probably isn't good. I need to learn to get passed that thinking. Thanks for offering an ear to me, I really appreciate it.

I had a lack luster experience with therapy provided by my college too, and I really regret not just asking for a different therapist instead of opting out of the whole thing.

While you have to do what's right for you, I will second sone of the other suggestions of trying therapy again. It's normal to shop around to find the right therapist, so maybe if you give it a second go, keep in mind you're allowed to try different people. It's actually the same with medication, sometimes you try different ones until you find the right fit.

You deserve to be happy, so just keep in mind you have options.

That's awesome that you've been able to keep going by not worrying about what can't be changed. I struggle so much with that. Even when I tell myself to forget and move forward my brain fixates on it again eventually. Im waiting for when it finally clicks. I do want to start walking myself or maybe even start going to the gym if I improve.
Thanks.

Yeah it makes me not want to talk about it with anyone. But as for therapy I've had poor luck with it years ago. I might try to push myself back into trying again.

Thanks Doki.

Thanks, yeah it's been hard for me to see the worth in it but I think there is a consensus to try therapy again.
I will try to push myself into finding one that can help.

I want to thank you all for the advice and it was valuable knowing that there are others who know how I feel. I definitely don't feel as alone anymore so I'm grateful. I will try to keep my head up and try to look into therapy again. It took me a bit to work up the nerve to post this so I'm extremely grateful for all the responses.
Thank you everyone.

I experience something similar sometimes. In this case I try to rest and relax, as far as I can and when I can. Sometimes a sufficient rest helps to get rid of bad thoughts and feel an interest to my creative hobby, work and/or study again. But if this state lasts for too long, I go to my therapist and ask for new meds or something like that.

Figuring out life is very difficult and depression makes it worse. Depression is an illness and it prevents you from having the tools you need to think straight to feel contempt.
It took me years to seek professional help and now I can look back and see that It was no me who was negative, it was the depression. I was a sad and hostile person because I was ill. I misunderstood myself because I confused the depression and anxiety symptoms with my personality. Now I know that I'm a very cheerful and social person when I'm healthy.

I am having the hardest time in my life after losing a loved one I'm depressed again and all the things I worked for no longer excite me. It makes me sick that I'm about to accomplish my dream goal...and I don't want to do anything. My motivation is gone and I don't even want to get up from the bed.

But thanks to therapy I understand that the way I feel is normal for a grief process and depression will go away with effort, help, support, and my prescription pills. So, I just have to take it easy, don't be hard on myself, don't quit, keep up my work until I feel fine again to finally come back to the game.

By the way, I used to be afraid of medication and felt bad about needing to take it. But the brain needs those chemicals to function, this is no different than taking medication for other illnesses. So I got over it.

It breaks my heart that you are having a rough time. I wish I could do more. I sed you a big hug and wish you the best.