Novel Criticism: Let's post our novels and critique each others' first chapter (nicely of course!)

[impossiblesoul]

The action was great and the humor matched. The only problem I had with it was the dialogue tags. For instance:
"Just who the hell are you?!" Hector asked.
You may want to replace 'asked' with a stronger dialogue tag. 'Ask', at least to me, has the connotation of a simple, humble question. I'd go with a synonym / variant of - Hector shouted -

Another instance: "You just sneezed all over me!" The goon said. 'Said' is a very soft word for someone who is exclaiming something.

This may be a personal thing on my part, but when I saw "CLANG", I wanted to bold it.

Great stuff though, made me want to read more.

[Dizwikz]

Thank you for the critiques. I'll keep that in mind when writing. Looking at it from your perspective it does seem like a tonal inconsistency.

[Dizwikz]

For Sky garden, the first sentence "world as heaping wreck of rubble", there should be "a" after "as".
Second sentence there should be "one of the gods".
There's small mistakes like that every now and again. I think formatting might be a larger issue though. There's some parts that are a little repetitive with the information that's being given, and there's a lot of long sentences that could be broken up into individual sentences and sections that could be broken into their own paragraphs. It's an interesting premise but the delivery kinda makes it feel like a lot is being dumped on you, unless this was a creative choice to deliver the information like you did.
It might help to read it back to yourself out loud.

[Dizwikz]

I think dark bytes was really well written and flowed pretty nicely and was able to build an air of suspense.
One awkward part was the "living room cum kitchen".
I think that's supposed to be living room-cum-kitchen, although I could be wrong because I'm pretty unfamiliar with that type of phrasing.

[darkone4587]

Hello and welcome to the website. I do hope your enjoying your time here, bt if anyone's curious I have two novels here on the website I'm working on.
I'll take a look at any work that interests me somewhat.

Dual Soul | Tapas

Blade Quest | Tapas

[Docflame]

Here's mine.it's my first time writing..plz check it out and give suggestions too.
Genre:fantasy,mystery,thriller.
http://tapas.io/episode/1849148

[youu2sef]

Here you go !!

● Name: Age of Magic

● Genre: Fantasy, Action, Mystery, Magic

● Summary:
500 years ago, people believed that a great earthquake divided a huge continent into three ones . These three lived in peace until the day when a village got destroyed leaving one survivor. A boy named Leo, but little did he know of the adventure that awaited him.

● Why should you read it ?
Hmmm, If you like elves and demons or dragons, it's gonna be here, if you wanna see the journey of boy who lost everything and wants to get stronger in order to get his revenge, it's also gonna be here, if you like magical stuff, and how it works ( There're available episodes that explain magic how it works " The origin of magic " check them out if you wanna know how, and let me know ur opinion about it )
● Hopefully you check it out

Age of Magic | Tapas

Y2F

[sxxaint]

Right, I'm gonna just put some thoughts down here as I read through, and I ended up with LOADS because i get carried away with this stuff. I've wound up line-editing a little, so feel free to completely ignore me, but consider it a mark of how much I enjoyed your writing that I'm picking up on things like the use of 'invariably'.

You do a fantastic job of evoking mood while he walks through the night, and I like the slightly sarcastic hint to the narration. I really like Will as well, he's a little sulky, but he seems different to what I generally expect from an angsty character, and I like that.

The one thing I'm a little unclear on is what POV this is supposed to be - it feels entirely centred on Will, but perhaps gives a few too many 'outside' statements to read as close third person. I think, if you want to take this angle, you should play up your sarcy narrator, it really fits very, very well.

(Also, I did get carried away, I don't expect this much back hahaha)

Saint's over-long 'thoughts as I go'

I really like your first sentence. However, I saw you mentioned you like using adjectives like 'chocolate' to describe colour, but I will say for me, it goes strangely with 'blue' and the earlier use of 'autumn'. I'd 100% rather just read brown unless the specific colour reaaaaally conveys a strong meaning, like gunmetal blue, chatreuse for that particular yellow-green, I've used 'tangerine dream' because that really rings nicely. It could well be personal preference, but I will probably be less inclined to keep reading if any physical traits are compared to food (unless you wanna tell me someone has eyes like fish eggs or something, 'cause that's hella evocative)

I don't think you need to use a hyphen in 'ear bud out--a generic', that's a standard comma location.

I'm getting a really nice sense of quiet nighttime from your piece right now, which is well done with very few words. I'm already guessing these two are siblings?

I'm a bit on the fence about that 'obfuscate' line, but I'm gonna take it as set-up of an aspect of his character as it's so near the beginning of the first chapter. I'd like to see more of him using - or thinking he's using - fancy words and psychological techniques.

I'd probably change the last line of the obfuscate paragraph to 'the lukewarm hall of his quiet home' -- I can't imagine thinking of a home as 'the home' unless it's a foster home, it's your home or someone else's house.

Pumpkin plot farm is an absolutely prime location, I don't know what makes it better than any other kinda farm but you just say the words and im imagining all them big orange pumpkins squatting there in the moonlight with cindarella vines curling over the top. Love that.

I like the idea of will not wanting to leave home, it paints him different to a lot of other characters who'd perhaps be desperate to leave home in search of something to complete them, but - like you're using that bird metaphor - will doesn't think he'll be able to fly without something he finds here.

Is 'dunk' a typo? Should it be duck?

So, I read 'Invariably' and thought he'd be 'invariably following', the idea of a path 'invariably leading' evokes a sense of faerie that doesn't 100% gel with the rest of your story. I absolutely love this description of the pond though. That whole sentence is just Chinkling is such an interesting descriptor!

Think you got a typo at 'it was then he made' -> 'it was there he made'

tepidly pretend is a fantastic use of adverb -- adverbs are bad except when they put such a vivid modifier on things like tepidly pretend. Love that. This whole description taps into the sense of melancholy you're creating perfectly.

I'm not a big fan of using dialogue tags like 'bemoaned'. I don't wanna notice dialogue tags when I'm reading, not unless they really hit. I have a character who basically talks like a sixty-a-day smoker, so I use croaked and rasped for him, because it's distinctive. I also overuse hissed and use quite a few quick volume modifiers. But bemoaned just jerks me out of the scene. I noticed you used a couple of others of these earlier on. Said is not dead.

"Will had been wrong before, though." is a fantastic transitional impact line, but cut that 'though'. Make it punch.

I'd start a new sentence after 'plethora of gusts'. You have rising action, but long sentences are melancholy and slow, and this one doesn't read the best.

I think you can tighten up that lighthouse simile. I love it, but I bet you can make it read tighter.

ugh ALIENS AT THE PUMPKIN FARM I LOVE THIS!!!

i love the sarcastic tone about will being impressed, but the animals that's too good - i get the sense this isn't meant to be the most ominous thing in the world.

And finally, Will's found how he's gonna hatch. Missing piece evoked, the way to solve it promptly offered - lovely.

In the section from the aliens pov, i wouldn't say you need 'hurriedly', it's implied by charging.

Awwwwh and he didn't reach. Now he's gotta search high and low to solve this problem, but I guess he's gonna slip back to normal until something else kicks him into gear.

Last bit is 'pensive baby blues' doesn't work for me. I already know his eyes are blue, and it doesn't really matter to me in the grand scheme of the story. I know Will's the kinda guy to look at things thoughtfully as well.

Big one up for 'gloaming' though, and then I like how easily you slip back to the melancholy. Great ending line too.

The Stains Beneath Our Skin | Tapas

[ivanskilling]

Thank you so much for the feedback!

I'm happy that you're enjoying the little chat server snippets at the beginning of the chapters. That's one of my favorite parts to write! I agree the first chapter is a tad short, but I wanted to keep a bit of mystery to what her job is - until it's mentioned in chapter 4. The circumstances around her running to her hometown will be revealed later!
(I've seen this Karen thing for a while but didn't quite understand what it meant, so I googled it. I wasn't sure whether Dina was considered a Karen, but I guess she is!)

@impossiblesoul No problem! Hope the feedback helps!
And thank you so much! I'm glad you like the first two episodes.
Lol thanks for spotting that mistake (thanks to @Dizwikz too) ! I missed the dash in between those words.

@Dizwikz Thanks, I'm happy you're enjoying Dark Bytes!

[Fuzed]

Hi there everyone!

I'll leave my novel here for anyone that would like to take a look.

Occidendum | Tapas

I'll take a look at anything that you reply with to this message.

Have a good one everybody!

[ivanskilling]

@Dizwikz Read the first chapter of your novel! It's an interesting premise and starts off with a nice action scene.

My only comment is that the first sentence should be "..leaned against a pillar, tired after..". Also, there are some parts that are a little more tell than show. e.g., "After he heard this" and "As he did this". You can cut that out completely.

@Berserker Cool start to the novel with that action scene! I think the descriptions in the beginning might be a bit long and can be interspersed throughout the chapter instead of packing everything in the first paragraph. Also, instead of saying "She had <description", you could mix it up by saying "Long jet-black hair flowed..." or "Her light-green skin..". Hope this helps!

[domisotto]

Be very careful using thesaurus. Sometimes fancy words contribute to the story, but when every color is azure, vermillion and verdant, the reading becomes less enjoyable. Diction is a tricky thing and is very easy to over spice.

In most cases, brown is imo better as brown. Usually the first word that comes to mind is the best one, vs something from thesaurus, unless it hits the meaning on the head, and gives you something that cannot at all achieved by any other means.

In my Internet writing career, getting over use of the pretty words was one of the biggest challenges. I have a list of words I was put on notice for using. Proffered, filigree, even relentless were disliked by the readers

I must be the only reverse harem writer on record who received a comment once that thanked me for an educational value of my masterpiece because I used a word oubliette...

So, the TL;DR of my rant is that if pretty words do not come naturally to you, I would suggest avoiding digging deep for them. Keep it simple always works.

[Fuzed]

This is one of the most important things I've realized as a writer. You're trying to tell a story, not flaunt your time spent on thesaurus...

[domisotto]

Thesaurus certainly has its uses, for example when you are trying to locate just the right verb or forgot the really good word English had to describe that.

Basically, I suggest use it when the first thing that comes to mind is inaccurate, but you just have the better one sitting in your peripheral vision.

I remember nearly driving myself nuts until I searched for ‘insinuating’ as a description of a voice. I knew how it should sound, but i just couldn’t grab at it from memory.

The best word choices are fairily common, grounded in the popular culture, but not from the skeleton vocabulary

[Fuzed]

You've got the point there. I like to use Thesaurus in situations where I would have to repeat the same verb/adjective twice in the same sentence.

But when looking for new vocabulary that describes specific things, for example various types of voices, I prefer info-graphics like this one:

[domisotto]

I am a text-based life-form, so good old Merriam-Webster is always there for me.

[Panpan]

(post withdrawn by author, will be automatically deleted in 24 hours unless flagged)

[Fuzed]

I mean, this is all text. But categorized nicely. Sometimes it's hard to find the specific words and this really helps.

[impossiblesoul]

You gave me a lot to think about! I've taken the time to edit each and every part you've critiqued, so I want to thank you bunches; it's helped me not only in the short term but in the long term for future reference.

As for this part:
"The one thing I'm a little unclear on is what POV this is supposed to be - it feels entirely centred on Will, but perhaps gives a few too many 'outside' statements to read as close third person. I think, if you want to take this angle, you should play up your sarcy narrator, it really fits very, very well."

This is something I can't deliver a quick fix for at the moment, but it's something I can definitely work on later. Perspective could be one of my weak points. I've had trouble in the past deciding on tone choices for narration.

I really liked yours by the way! Your writing is dense with descriptive flourish. I felt like I was reading the equivalent of a painting. It's a style that kept me entranced all the way through. I loved the compare and contrast the main character does between what was once a beautiful pastoral world to one which had been overtaken by cold industry, a theme spiced throughout. I especially fell in love with the way you compared the innocence of rain in the time of one's curious childhood to the melancholic fever of rain in the putrid city as an adult. The existential paragraph where he thought himself a fly buzzing around aimlessly until death was chilling.

The sexual nature of the following scene was done very well. Normally I'm not a fan of a story going into that kind of stuff immediately, but you managed it awesomely. It added an interesting angle of depth to the "monkey trapped in a cage" crisis Casper was going through in the city, wherein animals in captivity tend to try to enjoy themselves more often, that his state of mind was at least partly a result of the terrible environment he lived in - his state of mind then leading to more tragedy (lost job). It was like a feedback loop of failure between himself and his environment.

The last line of your work was well-placed, it grabbed me immediately and told me to read more. The contrast between his negative perspective with the sudden anticipation he felt - someone golden was approaching.

The only roadbumps I found were these:

"waxing philosophic with" : I had never heard this expression before, and so I was unimmersed from the story for a brief moment to think about it.

The screeching taxi line was a bit long; maybe break it into two sentences or shorten it.

"exertion" : For me, this word holds a technical-writing feeling to it, so it felt out of place seeing it in a sentence where he was experiencing a very personal bout of nausea.

"Message from the gods that." : This one confused me, I wondered at first if this was an error of my own comprehension or a deliberate break.

Very good work, I loved it!

[impossiblesoul]

You are very right here, and I'm noticing similar trends of feedback from others, most notably that "chocolate" was an unfitting word choice on my part. I'm compelled to go back through all of my writing and check for other words. I do this thing where I tend to dig for words when I reread a line I wrote and feel it lacking punch, when the reality is - my unedited word choice may not even be the problem. It could be a bad habit I need to ween off of.

@Berserker
On that note, maybe there's a middle-ground between the advice I offered on colors and keeping it simpler. I realize now what I gave you could actually be bad advice if taken at face value, that you should take my critique with a grain of salt.