Offering Free Feedback (Novels Only For Now/On Hold)

azurehayalet 2025-09-08 12:59:32 UTC #21

Thank you for the patient wait.

I will, as always, write my feedback as I read and also include a final thoughts section at the end. I hope it helps!

Ah, dialogue opening once again. I'm really wondering if it's the popular opening style on this site. Again, it's fine to start with dialogue but you still need to orient the reader as soon as possible. Think of it as showing the reader to a seat before having tea together. You can drink tea standing up, but it will not be very enjoyable.

In the first paragraph you say "they". I would love it if you introduced who "they" were in that same paragraph. We don't know how many people it includes and what kind of people so, again, it feels like standing up waiting for a seat to drink tea at.

They punched each other playfully for a while--- I would prefer to see this happen, actually. Almost like a fight scene. Spending time on such details brings the reader closer to the characters.

Kenny play-fought with that bite in his mouth all the time? I would expect him to finish it by now.

Final thoughts: I was immersed as soon as Lane entered the scene lol, which is why there are no in-episode comments after he appeared. Let me think... I think you have good ingredients at hand! I feel like you have sth that I struggle to get past myself: getting too caught up in the story to keep the pacing as it should be. Pace yourself when you edit this episode in the future. Don't let the emotions building up from the scene control where you go. You're the author. You decide where they go and when.

Lane_Kalchik 2025-09-08 20:05:14 UTC #22

Hi! Thanks so much! I do agree with you that the opening does have a few bumps that have to be ironed down a bit better. It was probably the hardest part to write. I'll take your advise and try and update it! Thank you so much once again!

miyaskya 2025-09-09 04:14:16 UTC #23

Hi, thank you for the opportunity and congratulations on being almost done with your writing certificate and uni!

Here is my fantasy story. I recently revised the first chapter, and looking for feedback on that and the story as a whole.

Synopsis

When Leiyu, a wandering warrior and wind mage from the Eastern Region, rescues a trade caravan from a horde of bandits in the desert, he does not realize how much his life is about to change. He learns that the caravan merchants are heading westward to the Kingdom of Ishkhandar, and he offers to join them as a bodyguard.

After arriving at the royal palace, Leiyu ends up meeting the mysterious Prince Thallios. The prince is both whimsical and melancholy, and yearns to see the outside world. They spend some time getting to know each other, but everything is thrown into chaos when Ishkhandar is suddenly invaded. King Xenon tells Leiyu to escape with Prince Thallios and to protect him with his life. He also tells Prince Thallios to seek out the legendary Sword of Ages so that he can come back and avenge the doomed kingdom.

Now on the run, Leiyu and Prince Thallios trek through the wilderness in search of the legendary sword. However, the quest does not go quite as planned.

D.R.C 2025-09-09 15:53:12 UTC #24

hiiii I'm not a great author yet, some help would be great : )

gsython 2025-09-09 15:54:59 UTC #25

Here is my ongoing novel, No Heaven for Monsters.
I'd humbly ask for feedback so I know what to fix for Arc 1-2 and what to add for the future chapters.

azurehayalet 2025-09-09 16:15:41 UTC #26

I'm, giving people who posted a link without a pitch a chance to edit their posts. Please follow the rules, I didn't write THAT long a message

azurehayalet 2025-09-13 12:43:36 UTC #27

Heya! Thank you for the patient wait, I finally have both the time and energy to do this

As always, I will comment along as I read and include a final thoughts at the end.

Regarding introduction: Trust your readers to figure these out and trust your writing to show the information you included in an interesting way. Now, do I think it's wrong to address the readers before the story starts? No, I think it's fine. However, I'm confused about why you're looking for feedback if this is the attitude you have towards this particular story.

Again, there's nothing wrong with writing a light-hearted story that's not meant to be taken seriously. We all need that from time to time, both as readers and as writers. However, I do think it goes against your intentions to keep it light and not-serious if you look for feedback. Let me know what you think about this before I move onto giving feedback for the first episode, please. I don't want to possibly ruin the experience for you by taking the story seriously.

MoonlyLove 2025-09-13 13:50:05 UTC #28

Yeah, now that I think about it, the introduction is probably unnecessary. The only reason I included it was because in the middle of the story, there's going to be a huge genre whiplash (I haven't gotten to that point yet), so I just wanted to let the readers know (it's not just going to be a fantasy comedy). Essentially, the second half of the story is going to be very different from the first half (and be very different from the original premise)!

It IS a light, silly story not meant to be taken seriously, but I'm perfectly open for feedback! I actually have some ideas for revisions after I finish this book, so I would love for ideas to improve when I start revising, adding new scenes, deleting filler chapters, etc. (though I probably won't get to that for a while). I know this story is definitely flawed, as it is my first story.

Thank you for your thoughts, and I would love to see what you think of the first chapter!

azurehayalet 2025-09-13 16:18:57 UTC #29

I understand! Here is my feedback on first episode:

Okay, I think Bryden isn't the type of person to have girlfriends? I'm confused about what type of person he is, actually. Characters say he's a player but he doesn't feel like he's very skilled at the game, if that makes sense.

Players can play because they have a likable/charming side to them. Something other than not cheating on others. If this is his appearance, you should show characters affected by his appearance more. Something about him needs to be irresistable and I don't see what that could be right now.

MoonlyLove 2025-09-14 16:46:47 UTC #30

Thank you for the feedback! I'll try to show this better in the later chapters. Your thoughts actually gave me some good ideas!

Sylverixxxxx 2025-09-24 17:31:20 UTC #31

Hii, thank you for your review! I really appreciate the time you took to read the episode and share your thoughts.

I understand why you might think the cover is AI. It was actually flagged by Tapas too, but it’s a Canva template (actually two combined). I’ve already provided proof, and it’s been cleared now. Thank you for pointing it out, though!

As for the writing, I can see your remarks more clearly now that I’ve gone back over the text. It’s often hard to notice your own mistakes while writing, so your feedback is really valuable to me. I haven’t studied writing or literature, but I’ll continue doing my best to share my ideas and improve along the way.

JollyMachen 2025-09-24 21:32:42 UTC #32

Here's my novel, Of Blues And Substance, a sci-fi action fantasy telling the journey of a certain Man in a Jacket with a mysterious past as he tries to go back home.

Heres the synopsis: The story of a cynical Man in a Jacket with a mysterious past, lost on a Planetary System far from his world. He will try to go back home, but little does he know of the beings he will meet and the grand journey that awaits him ahead...

An odd adventure of action, complacency, heritage, purpose and change.