Offering Free Feedback (Novels Only For Now/On Hold)

[azurehayalet]

The following message was already posted in the discord server but I'm also sharing it here so that more people see it:

Heya, writers! Some of you may have seen me around the server before but let me introduce myself once again. I'm Azure Hayalet. Currently waiting for my last course for a writing certificate(and uni in general) to start so I thought, why not read some novels and offer feedback while I have the time? I will not be sharing a link to my story in this post as I don't wish for this to become a review4review or worse, sub4sub. I expect nothing but a thanks in return (and that is if you find my feedback helpful). Share a link to your story's info page (+ a pitch) as a reply and let's get started!

PS. I will not reply or react to people who haven't read this post fully.

Edit:

Additionally, now that it came to my mind: even if you find and read my story, it won't change my feedback or your order in the waitlist.

Waitlist:

1. https://tapas.io/series/Celestial-Guardians/info
2. https://tapas.io/series/Grand-Epic-Elemental-The-Novel/info
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[shriraa.sha]

Hi there! Congrats on almost finishing your writing course- must be a huge achievement Thank you for the opportunity for feedback as well, as a writer who just recently began posting I am looking for ways to improve as well as what is working well so far.

Veiled Deceit is an Action Sci-Fi Fantasy with hints of Thriller/Mystery scattered across the pages. In essence, the story revolves around five "professors" enrolled in Tellowania College as part of a teetering peace between all their nations. However, each of them is running from an ominous noose around their necks, but while they may choose to remain ignorant to their situations....how long will it take until their shadows stretch to the innocent?

Hope you enjoy!

Read Veiled Deceit | Tapas Web Community

[Liv45]

Thank you so much for the opportunity!

My novel is called Forever us. It`s about two girls Lily and Anne who meet on a school trip to Italy. They become best friends and maybe even more. It is a story about friendship, first love, grief and family. I hope you give it a try and I am looking forward hearing your opinion about it.

Read Forever us | Tapas Web Community

[Soren_Frost]

Hi Azure! Thanks a lot for offering this, it’s really generous of you.
Here’s my novel!

Read Saved By a Curse...Killed By a Blessing | Tapas Web Community

And here is the synopsis:
Born beneath the Syrath Lunara and a fractured sky, Mia was destined to be forgotten. Hidden in the human world and stripped of her past, she lived a quiet life, until fate awakened something buried deep inside her. Haunted by violent dreams and hunted by a silver-haired stranger who claims she killed his brother, Mia is drawn into a realm of immortal beings, forbidden magic, and a sister she never knew existed. Bound by a prophecy that could end two worlds, Mia must choose: embrace the darkness within… or be destroyed by it.

[atyezone]

Here's mine thank you​

Read DE-ZONE | Tapas Web Community

[Sylverixxxxx]

Hi Azure, Congrats on finishing Uni (soon), I would really appreciate if you could give my web novel series a read and also any feedback. Im exited to share a story i have been working on for some time now... here is a short intro In the kingdom of Neiustein where faith fuels magic and castles guard ancient secrets, a young girl called Ophelia finds her life in the temple in shambles when she discovered her best friend is suffering from a terminal illness. But fate has its twists as this heartbreaking news will be nothing but the catalyst of change in her life that will push her out of the temple, in a world filled with perils, prophecy and of course... love.

Read My Dreams of You :: In the Middle of the Day I | Tapas Community

[Lane_Kalchik]

Hi! Congrats on your achievement! I believe you will give me some good feedback! I've been working on my writing for quite a while now, but I'd love if you pointed out some places where I am yet to improve.
Hope you check it out!

When Kenny and Lane come to the conclusion that they are meant for each other, everything seems like happily ever after, until a series of misfortunate events put their relationship to the test

Read 4 Steps Foreward 2 Steps Back | Tapas Web Community

[azurehayalet]

Thanks for all the interest! I'm making some food for myself right now, after which I'll get started on reading Only two spots left for this round!

[MoonlyLove]

Hi! Thanks for doing this and congrats! My story is a light fantasy/comedy story about a self-absorbed player named Bryden Stalling who comes across a magical ring holding a genie inside, but he refuses to grant him any wishes unless he changes his ways.

Read Genie of the Ring | Tapas Web Community

[LivvyLeopard]

Hi there congrats on your writing course. Here is my story Celestial Guardians. Hope you like it I’m always happy to hear feedback on it.

Synopsis: For generations, the world has been protected from the evil monsters and beings of darkness by a mysterious guild of heroes called the Celestial Guardians. People gifted with the powers of animal constellations. They have the ability to transform into their specific animal, as well as possess amazing powers of their own.

Every generation, twelve special beings are chosen to inherit these abilities for the greater good. But for this current generation of chosen ones, a brand new guardian is selected to join them. Will she be able rise up and become a brave guardian?

This story follows Sakura, as she and her newfound friends work together to defeat evil as the Shining Celestial Guardians.

Read Celestial Guardians | Tapas Web Community

[azurehayalet]

Thanks for waiting! Here is my feedback (I'll be writing here as I go along)

Opening line: Starting with a dialogue can be powerful, I'm not one of the people who think you must start with prose. However, I do think that your opening line should give the reader a sense of belonging. It should excite, intrigue and give the reader an idea of what to expect (to a degree). Here is an opening line I really like from Strange the Dreamer by Laini Taylor:

On the second sabbat of Twelfthmoon, in the city of Weep, a girl fell from the sky. Her skin was blue, her blood was red.

Very simple, but immediately checks off all the points you need to hit as a writer!

I'm aware that I'm talking about a novel and yours is a webnovel, but I think it's still worth thinking about!

I really like the introduction of Subject XOV! I was very interested in their(its?) appearance, only to find out it escaped! The intrigue :chefskiss: I don't know why I'm not scared about their escape just yet, it just sounds cool that they have, so far. If you want to really drive home the terror the characters are feeling, I would probably recommend using sensory details like touch, smell, etc

I really liked how deranged(?) the Director with the scalpel sounded though! Makes me wonder who is the real monster here.

Final thoughts because I was immersed halfway through and forgot to comment on the little things:

Very atmospheric writing! The opening line lets me down more now that I've seen what you're capable of. Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad opening and I liked the episode overall (enough that I got lost in reading it!). I just believe you have the potential to make this so much stronger. I'd love to help you with edits if/when you finish writing the whole story and if I have time to spare so just let me know!

[shriraa.sha]

TYSM!! I'll try to improve on these things!

[azurehayalet]

I would like you to consider my suggestions, actually. Don't take them as the truth and filter them through your mind's eye instead. What works for me might not work for you and that's okay! I'm not saying you would fully listen to my words but I would have so I'm reminding you just in case. Your story is yours, and you know it best. Good luck with it!

[azurehayalet]

I wanted to thank you for applying and let you, and others, know how often I'm planning on posting feedback. I plan on writing feedback for one story each day so that I have time for other obligations, too. So yeah, today's feedback was done a few hours ago. I will post the next one as soon as possible(tomorrow night at the latest?).

I sleep irregularly due to my energy levels so I'll have to ask you all to be understanding if it takes me a while to get to your story. Thanks again for trusting me with your stories <3

[azurehayalet]

Thank you for waiting! Here is my feedback for the first episode.

You started with dialogue, just as Shriraa has done. Starting with dialogue is harder to nail due to the feeling of being thrown into the story. While this can be a good thing, especially in a first scene where you need to establish a hurry, but you should still take care to orient the reader asap. This can be done through a small description as the character gathers her stuff in a hurry and rushes downstairs. Which is what you have done, so good intiution on that front!

If you want to make the descriptions stronger, I'd recommend shortening the distance with your character. Try not to use "I think to myself", "I did this" etc. These remarks create distance between the reader and the pov character and it doesn't seem like something you want in this particular story as the author.

The transition from driving to arriving was abrupt. I would have liked to see more of it, at least in order to orient myself in the story.

MC wipes a tear from her eye, which was also abrupt for me because I assumed she was only thoughtful, not about-to-cry.

Yellow bag, yellow umbrella...Sounds like she likes yellow! It's not beaten over our head and is a great way to introduce some personality to MC, great job!

I don't know if this is a cultural difference but my parents would have seen me off, definitely. So it was surprising that her mother didn't even leave the car.

Final thoughts: I would recommend studying your pacing. I used to suck at pacing and it hasn't gotten easier in all this time. Some things, we have to be conscious of as we edit because they're our blind spots. I think something is brewing between Lily and Anne and it's fun to read. Good work, you got this!

[azurehayalet]

Thank you for waiting! Here is my feedback for the first episode(the prologue). As before, I will be writing here as I read and also include a final thoughts at the end. Hope it helps!

That first sentence was almost amazing. It would have been so much stronger if you finished the sentence at "the sky cracked open" imo. It's a simple first sentence but it's by no means plain. Great work on that opening line!

Final thoughts: I know, final thoughts came a bit too soon. I was immersed in the episode and found little to nitpick. If I had to, I think the text could be clear-er. Very atmospheric, which is great, but it was slightly difficult to understand. I would recommend returning to this episode after letting it rest for a while so you can look at it with a renewed perspective. I believe you can make it stronger with a simple edit!

[Soren_Frost]

Thank you so much for your feedback!
I felt that something was off but didn't know what! I'll work on making it clearer!

[Liv45]

(post withdrawn by author, will be automatically deleted in 24 hours unless flagged)

[Liv45]

Thank you so much for your review! I already re-wrote most of the story, so the first chapter isn`t really what it was before. But I really like your ideas and critic and will go through it again with your thoughts! Thank you againg!

[azurehayalet]

Thank you for the patient wait!

First of all, this cover looks like AI to me, which is not allowed on Tapas. I'm very sorry if I'm wrong, I'm not very good at differentiating AI from proper art so please don't take offense if I'm wrong. Now, let's move onto the story itself. I will write feedback as I read and also include a final thoughts section at the end. I hope it helps!

Okay, the first sentence is too long. It also has unknown/made-up words which is fine but combined with the long sentence, it might drive some viewers away. I would recommend splitting the sentence in two at least.

Okay, that first paragraph(actually, the whole episode) is so difficult to read. You jump from present tense to past tense, use very long sentences and write generally in a way that's difficult to understand.

Final thoughts: I don't understand what happens in the episode, at all. I'm sorry for the harsh feedback but I'm not sure how to soften the blow. I hope you continue working on your craft and I hope you don't use AI image for your cover in the future(I'm surer that it's AI the longer I look at it). If Tapas notices the cover, your story will be removed, just to let you know.