I think your premise is really interesting, and got me to read more, but your writing style was so distracting to me that I stopped a few pages later.
I can tell you're overflowing with ideas, but you need to slow down.
Take more time to proofread your story. There are a lot of grammatical issues, especially with your sentence structure. I think your biggest problem is with run-on sentences- that's when you string independent clauses together without a connecting word.
It's kind of how Trump speaks, so maybe listen to his speeches to get an impression of how that kind of writing sounds to a reader.
For example:
"Korobela is suffering, burning in the pits of hell whilst walking on earth, it burns you more the more selfish you are, there is no escaping the consequences of you actions when it comes to korbela, not even death can save you from the physical and emotional suffering, you souls have been forcefully tied together and will remain that way for the rest of eternity"
This does not need to be all one sentence. Also, it's really repetitive. You have some good imagery, but pick and choose what you want to write and let your metaphors stand alone. You're like a woman thinking that the more bracelets she puts on the more beautiful she is, while in reality having one understated piece lets that piece shine.
Also, vary your sentence length. Put some short ones in there, let them breath. Read this thing.
Pay attention to the words you use and make sure they're correct- "it" vs "its," for example. And use capital letters when starting dialogue. Also, paragraphs. Especially on page three- no one wants to read a wall of text.
I would edit the sentence from before like this:
"Korobela is suffering. It's burning in the pits of hell whilst walking on earth.
There is no escaping the consequences of your actions when it comes to Korbela- it burns you more the more selfish you are, and forcefully ties your souls together for the rest of eternity."
In the argument on page four, I like the dialogue (I think it flows well) but your punctuation needs work.
There're huge run on sentences in the beginning.
You need to capitalize the beginning of sentences.
Use ellipsis very sparingly, as they can look very juvenile. Instead, use interruption or the dialogue itself to imply pauses.
Finally, don't put a bunch of exclamations all next to each other ("misunderstanding!!!???")- again, it looks juvenile. Have you ever seen that kind of thing in a published novel? It really contrasts with the mature dialogue in that scene.
A lot of people here seem to think that a good story will shine through bad art and writing. I don't think that's the case.
If you don't write well, it doesn't matter how good your story is, because it's the telling that matters. There's a reason people read books instead of wikipedia summaries.
When I read a story with a lot of grammatical errors, it makes me think, "How much care and effort could this person have put into the story if they didn't even bother to capitalize correctly?"
In conclusion, proofread.