I won't be doing PitchWars again because I've given up publishing for now, but I have done it a couple of times though so definitely wish you well! It's a really great challenge and opportunity. That being said, honestly your query is a little confusing to me because I didn't really get a sense of what the novel is about. It seems a little too vague, like you want the mentors to fill in the blanks instead of telling them what the book is about. What I'm going to do for the most part is give you the questions I asked myself while reading this. Hopefully they'll help.
They're probably not going to care that anyone in the industry gave you feedback. Tell them the word count of the book and not how many words you cut from it because that really isn't important. The mentors are going to have a very specific word count they're willing to accept and that will need to be mentioned because if you go over it will sink you without any further glance at the query. And I suspect if you don't say the word count at all that will also sink your query before they get any farther. So it would be "LONDON WATCH HOUSE is a wordcount here could-be mystery now seeking publishing."
I'm not sure what a could-be mystery means, but since I don't write/read mystery novels that could just be a term I'm simply unfamiliar with within that genre. But if it isn't a genre specific term then I would suggest that you just stick with mentioning the genre of the story.
Who is heading undercover? Or is this supposed to be a 2nd person POV? I would definitely ask on the pitchwars tag what they might think about a 2nd person POV query because the industry standard is 3rd person present tense so that could be a risky gamble writing it in 2nd person. Are riots and acid house raves important? What does unglamorous corner of intelligence mean? Is it just societies underbelly that the book takes place in? I assume this is the setting the book takes place in but it seems like a strange way to structure it
This is fine enough other than I would prefer you list Margo's name in this paragraph. It introduces whatever this Establishment is but I would suggest giving a brief explanation of them. Who are they and why does she not want to let them sideline her?
Dr Martins as in her shoes? What importance is it to list the brand of shoes she wears in the query? And who are her masters? Is the Establishment her masters? It's just too vague.
The best rule of thumb is to follow Who is the MC? What do they want? What/who is in their way to getting it? Make the stakes clear because right now we only know the MC is Margo, there's an establishment, and some kind of masters. Is she trying to solve a murder? Is she trying to prove something corrupt? Is this Establishment a corporation that is oppressing the people and Margo is going to save them? Is she a spy?
I'm going to just try to throw a sample out of random things to try and give you an idea.
The Establishment's top spy, code named Margo, is as deadly as she is mysterious. She prides herself on being the best, but when she discovers The Establishment is using mind control to enslave their spies, Margo must rise above their illustrious pull and free herself from their chains. Failure won't just keep Margo bound to their rule, it'll destroy everything she holds dear.
Now that's admittedly a terrible sample, but in it we know the Establishment is a spy organization, Margo is their best, she discovers they're enslaving their spies, and she will lose everything if she fails at stopping them.
This is fine to me. I'm not sure how mentioning readers will go since if this were a query to agents they might give pause to know you have readers. They might think you've already published it somewhere which means you lost first rights. So I would probably suggest taking out the "report" portion and just tweak it a little "Gen Xers will appreciate the 90s setting while young women can embrace the feisty protagonist" That shows you view your target audience as Gen xers and young woman.
Hopefully this helps and I definitely wish you well in entering!
