Okay, so I'l be as concise and meticulous as possible.
I read the first chapter, based on your description and it seems like you have an interesting concept.I could easily get hooked on to it.I did have several peeves about this.
1.Did you proof read this prior to posting?I found too many spelling and grammatical errors for my liking.I advise you to show this to a family member who can proof read and edit it prior to you posting.If you do not have someone who can do that for you, I advise posting on the forums asking for one.
2.Your lack of punctuation lead to me getting confused at times during the story.
3.Try to shorten your lines as lengthy lines tend to tire out the reader and make them lose interest really easily.
4.In between I found some words with an unnecessary capital. A capital is used for proper nouns or at the start of the sentence.This confused me further.
I'm sorry if I sound like a killjoy and apologize in advance if you feel I'm being too harsh.
