TWENTIETH UPDATE! (Replies 245-257)
That Stick Figure Isekai @powerplantanimations
-I find it a little weird that Naota’s “anime” form is so...smarmy, for lack of a better descriptor. Is that really what most harem protagonists are like?? I thought they were usually just Average Joes (i.e. self-inserts for the viewing demographic)...it kinda feels like that thing a lot of anime parodies do where they just make up an idea of an anime stereotype that doesn’t really reflect the reality of the genre…so, y’know, despite appearing like it wants to appeal to an anime-watching demographic, it just ends up alienating that same demographic...
-...Every once in a while, while reviewing, you run into someone whose writing style is just the complete antithesis of your personal tastes, and there’s really nothing you can do about it, and I think that’s definitely happening here. ._. I just...cannot find this interesting. I don’t think it’s badly written or drawn, but based on what I saw of the first few episodes, I don’t like it, and I probably never will. (in essence, you’d be better off with a first impression from someone else)
=I’m gonna try to give a somewhat objective conclusion...the drawings are fine, the dialogue is a little flat but certainly above average, but I don’t think there’s a lot here to entice anyone who isn’t totally captivated by the premise. If you think the idea of a hotshot anime boy thrown into a Western stick figure setting is super funny and interesting all on its own, you’ll probably enjoy this comic. If you don’t...there’s not a lot left.
In Z Finite (Eng) @vamvsama
-Maybe...DON’T have your own characters calling your story premise stupid in the first few lines of the synopsis?? o_O I’m sure the intention is for them to look cute and like they’re “rebelling” against the narrator, but to any experienced reader it just looks blatantly insecure. Like you’re not actually confident in your story, and you’re hoping to pre-empt judgment from your readers by having your own characters lampshade and criticize your decisions before anyone else can.
-As someone whose first Tapas novel also concerned a human MC teaming up with an “angel” with deformed wings, I must admit, reading this made me feel a little nostalgic. ^^;
=Something I mention a lot in this thread is “flow of ideas”: being able to present events and dialogue in a way that’s pleasing to the reader, gives information about where the story is going, and maintains their interest in the characters and world. And you definitely have that quality. ^^ Not only that, even though the formatting is a little amateurish, it’s consistent enough to not break immersion. This is a rough piece of writing, yes, but I can still enjoy it, because the foundations of good writing are already here.
I think if you could just make your descriptions clearer, fix the typos, and sharpen up your formatting (why not just go full script format and put the dialogue tags in Title Case or ALL CAPS?) I think it would help a lot. The character work is simple, but it’s strong; it just needs for the rest of the story to be polished so it can shine.
Darkness Involved @Afshintaboo
-Incredibly vague title and synopsis...you could at least make an effort to draw viewers in…? I mean, I made it to your novel page and I still don’t know why I should be interested in your work...most potential readers won’t get that far if you don’t give them a reason.
=Really amateurish; it definitely reads like the work of someone who’s never written a story before. =/ The constant run-on sentences make the already short stories feel even shorter; it’s like watching a movie in fast-forward and trying to get invested.
I’ll give you two pieces of advice: One, “dark” stories or “horror” stories evoke those feelings because they have stakes. The characters care about things; they have fears and concerns that we can identify and follow along with, not just vague mysteries. You can’t just write ‘darkness-scariness-whispers-danger-MC suicide’ and expect the reader to feel something.
Two, short stories don’t have to be, like...super-short. A short story can be 15 pages long, if you want. It feels like you’re trying to cram a rushed string of events into a couple paragraphs, when you could just take the time you need to tell an...actual story.
Beyond dreams @Remy_nuel
-Very...un-stylish narration. It really feels like each time a character has a line of dialogue, the narrator pops in to say “oh, by the way, [insert completely unnecessary exposition]”. It’s incredibly immersion-breaking; that’s not how you’re supposed to use a narrative voice.
You don’t need to tell us a character has a nice life; just show us. You don’t need to tell us a character is over-protective; SHOW US. It’s silly to choose to tell us the characters had a conversation, and then keep squeezing in mini-character bios everywhere you can, rather than...idk, actually writing the conversation, using it to reveal that information naturally and enjoyably.
=...I think the lack of punctuation really drags this story down. When everything is a run-on sentence, it makes the story feel like it’s moving at mach-speed, with no time for emotion in any of the lines. I can tell that this character is struggling with self-harm and intrusive thoughts, but I don’t feel it. These scenes aren’t being written as if I should care about them; the dialogue doesn’t carry any weight. It’s like listening to Google Translate read you a story-- just a string of words, without emphasis. Add that to the narrator constantly popping in to ruin the little immersion that’s left, and there’s just no impact.
