TWENTY-FIFTH UPDATE! (Replies 315-322)
CRISPR 8 @chaiteaaa
=Another comic that apparently got discontinued before I reached it...and after only 5 episodes. ^^; Well, since I’m here now, I might as well say what I thought: the art is fine, although the visual FX are a little lacking compared to the rest (not great for a sci fi comic, admittedly).
The story, on the other hand (what little there is)...didn’t give me the best first impression. The MC’s lines are fairly generic-- “where am I?” “who are you?” i.e. things I’ve already heard from thousands of amnesiac protags before. And her hostility towards the smarmy 12-year-old boy feels unnecessary and unearned.
He doesn’t feel threatening...he doesn’t feel like someone who might have put her in that cage or might’ve had anything to do with her being there. To be perfectly, painfully honest-- he just feels like a basic ‘Tumblr sexyman’ OC. Y’know, young, cute, smug, vaguely suspicious, dressed in a suit...acts as a confident authority who knows things despite their unserious demeanor...again, it’s nothing I haven’t already seen a thousand times before. =/
The Lost Forest @MelancholicOtaku
-‘His robes made him stand out, of course. The city of Loor was a simple place: shiny jewels and expensive fabrics weren’t really the norm here.’
...It always irks me when people dance around descriptions like ^this. Like, you couldn’t add one adjective to the actual phrase that gives us some idea of what we’re looking at? Not “resplendent robes”, not even “fancy robes”? An actual description of the clothing the character IS wearing would be ideal, but instead we just get an indirect mention of types of things the character might be wearing. Why???
‘The dyad between land and sea’ ← This...doesn’t actually make sense. I mean, I looked up the word ‘dyad’ and it doesn’t seem to make sense...I feel like you’re trying to use this word to mean ‘the boundary between two things’ instead of ‘a unified set of two things’ (which is what it actually means). And I get the connection, and the phrase does sound cool...but it still doesn’t make actual sense.
...Neither does the rest of the sentence, now that I think about it...
=To be frank: you have an almost nonexistent flow of ideas. =/ New concepts are seemingly just thrown into the story randomly, and the messy punctuation and inconsistent grammar doesn’t help. The end result is something really confusing and unpleasant to read...it almost feels like the characters and events are purposely written to be as difficult to understand as possible, so that I have to keep doing double takes and re-reading paragraphs to make sure I know what’s actually happening. Like I mentioned earlier, it’s like you’re dancing around all the important information instead of just delivering it.
I feel like this might just be a case of style gone wild...like you took a bunch of poetic paragraphs that sounded decent individually/in small groups (which they do) and figured you could mash them together into a coherent narrative. But you can’t...or at least, you didn’t. You need that ‘flow’ connecting elements together, that give and take between the characters’ words and feelings, the cause and effect between their past actions and present actions. A clear picture of the character’s reality to serve as a foundation...you can’t just explain every other random detail that comes up in your worldbuilding and call that a story.
The Deadliest Assassin's Reset @zenzen
-More AI art…? T_T
...I don’t think it’s fair to simply skip over the AI-containing entries in protest (unless it’s an AI comic, b/c I’m not subjecting myself to that); I recognize that most people come here for feedback on their writing, and I want to honor that. But, PSA to everyone: when regurgitated art theft is the first thing I see on your banner/thumbnail it WILL negatively affect my experience of your story. =/ Just FYI.
-’The noun verbed with adjectival noun’-→ this repeated structure for your descriptions is unfortunately very noticeable. ^^; You gotta mix it up a little more…
-Not a fan of the descriptions constantly telling me how beautiful and smart and skilled and cool this character is. Let the reader decide; when you lay it on thick like that I feel like I’m reading an advertisement, not a story…
-Prefacing the character having thoughts with “internal dialogue occupied MC’s mind” is...a choice…
-‘Stab’?? This isn’t a comic...you...can’t just throw in action words like that…
-I’m with Erun; this guy talks way too much for someone who’s supposed to be dying...makes the whole scene feel more ridiculous with every additional line of dialogue…
-“the doctor had received praise throughout his distinguished career, with his name ringing through the hospital hallways” → A name that, as of this line, we don’t know. ^^;;; In fact, he remains anonymous for the whole chapter…if you’re gonna describe him so enthusiastically, would it kill you to take 10% of that energy and just give him a name…? Y’know, so this feels less silly…?
=In a word: serviceable. In another word: clownish.
The writing is...fine. It shows a decent amount of technical skill. But the experience of reading it is like having sugary candy relentlessly shoved down your throat. o_O Every single sentence is stuffed to burst with overblown, exaggerated adjectives; demanding that you feel a specific way about each and every event, setting, character, gesture. You might as well be writing in ALL CAPS with how un-subtle this is. There’s no room for the reader’s imagination to move around at all...
It is, frankly, impossible for me to take this story seriously. ^^; I can’t get immersed in anything that’s happening, because the language used to describe it is so conspicuous and borderline cartoonish. It feels like a soap opera, but somehow even more overdramatic...I kinda wish I could like this, because I can see glimmers of interesting ideas underneath all the embellishment. Unfortunately, all I can do is...laugh...
Halftone Rainbow @ueonts
=Not sure if you actually wanted my feedback on this, but I decided to err on the side of danger, since it’s only a one-shot. ^^;
Overall, it’s...interesting. I like when I can see an artist’s skill level developing (practically in real-time!) and that’s definitely present in your art style. You set scenes well; I can totally see a professional future for you as a comic artist. Maybe by now, you’re already there? ^^
As for the writing...very haphazard, unfortunately. I mean, I get what you’re trying to do, but the lack of structure makes it hard to enjoy what you’re trying to do.
Is the lack of color after Ben’s death supposed to be diegetic (Charlie had some kind of trauma response and now he literally cannot see color anymore, hindering his ability to do art) or non-diegetic (it’s symbolism for Charlie’s depression and regret, hindering his ability to do art)?? It’s really hard to tell, because neither option is emphasized at all, so the impact of this artistic choice is totally lost.
And what happened to Charlie’s character arc…? He starts out looking down on his friend for drawing manga in the beginning, and because of this, when he realizes that other people think his friend has more talent than him, he lashes out in the climax. There’s clear cause and effect there.
Then, he becomes depressed, struggling to make art in his colorless world...and then he sees Ben’s favorite manga and looks it over and decides not only to appreciate manga, but to finish Ben’s own manga project for him. ← Where’s the cause and effect?? Why this sudden 180-degree change of heart? There is a VITAL piece of this story mysteriously missing…
I think you could have saved this story beat if you just...literally slowed down a bit. ^^ Show Charlie spending time with the manga, getting immersed in the story, maybe even hunting down more volumes because he just can’t put it down. Show that he’s gradually developing an appreciation for manga as he works through his grief, let him explain how he feels differently now and why. THEN have him decide to finish Ben’s work as the conclusion to that arc. I think it would’ve hit a lot harder that way.
Signs Point to Bobbie @allisoncandraw
=It’s...cute, I guess. I like that the characters’ facial expressions and gestures are believable together; I really feel like I’m watching people signing.
Unfortunately...the comics themselves are pretty dull and unfunny. =/ Very basic humor on display here. Oddly enough, I already feel some attachment to the characters, and it probably wouldn’t take much to make me actually like them. But as it is, it’s a boring experience.
