EIGHTEENTH UPDATE! (Replies 224-232)
LIFE ON EARTH @kenmaakane28
-I gotta say, your art is really cute. ^^ I mean, itâs definitely still pretty rough, but I can see its potential. The colors in particular are beautiful...
=I think this comic could be very charming if not for two things holding it back: first, the writing. It feels like you donât have a good grasp of the English language yet...I can see the intent behind the dialogue, but itâs just not written well enough to have the right impact. And the synopsis in particular is just confusing; I didnât really understand what it was talking about until I read the comic. If you could get someone to help you with translation, I think itâd be worth your while.
The second thing that needs work is the backgrounds...the way you use them is really confusing; I think you need to draw the characters in them more clearly, so they can actually perform the function of establishing shots: showing us where the characters are, and letting us get to know their surroundings. Slower pacing could help with this too; you switch locations really quickly, and it just makes things more confusing.
Gamblerâs Run @EchoMan
-Ooooh, the writing is just...so close to sounding professional. ^^; Itâs just a little off...I think a thesaurus might help; maybe a little style study from other authors? An editor to explain your word choice to youâŚ? SomethingâŚ
-I appreciate the effort you put into setting the scene, making the location feel like it matters. Very few people do that, at least in this thread.
=Overall, even though it isnât the kind of thing I would read, I think this is solid work. Itâs clear that you write with goals in mind, and youâre at least trying to give the reader interesting things to latch on to, even now that nothing is really happening yet. Itâs refreshing~. You definitely show a lot of promise as a writer.
Infinite Strike @IzzyBloom91
-...I really like Jettâs hair. ^^ I dunno why...itâs not drawn very well tbh, but I like whatâs there. The colors, the asymmetry; itâs great~ 
-Wow, nice explosion âoâ
-* Force open * <--Ehh...I feel like this is something you should just draw instead of trying to make into an âonomatopoeiaâ. Comics are a visual medium; trust in your visuals...and if you canât, then you need to improve them.
=I canât say that this is a comic I would want to read...I liked the first episode where things were happening; I thought the two antagonist dudes (I assume theyâre antagonists) were corny but charming. And then I got to the second episode, where âcornyâ completely took over and âcharmingâ basically disappeared. =/ The blonde guy, who I assume is the MC, seems to be boring â#1 cool guyâ material, while his sidekicks are apparently just there to worship him and say silly things to drive home the point that he is the coolest and smartest in the group, as if itâs not obvious enough already...
Now, the idea was a good one: lead with intrigue, then cut to the MCs in a calmer moment so the reader can get to know them and become curious about how theyâre connected to the previous action. But the execution had the opposite effect; it felt more like a downgrade...like being transferred from a cool action anime to its jokey, hammed-up 4Kidsâ dub version. I do like the drawings, but thatâs not enough to get me to stick around, not if these are the characters Iâll be spending the most time with.
AinoloniA @J.K.Borealis
-Very strong start. ^^ I like the character designs a lot, especially as a pair; youâve got this tiny and understated silhouette next to this super large and detailed one, and they look great together~
=Ooooooooooooh...you just got my first like and sub in a long, long time. ^^
I think this is a really cool comic so far; I like its quiet atmosphere and how you just lavish over the art...like, the visuals arenât mind-blowing or anything, but you can tell that there is care in making them look good and using them to set the mood, and highlighting the panels that matter. Itâs great to see~.
If I had to give one criticism, itâs that the small girl could use just a little bit more expression...like, not necessarily âemotiveâ expression, but like...for it to look like her face can actually move. ^^ Itâs a little immersion-breaking when sheâs supposed to be pleading with her companion and her face is just the same as it always is, with her eyes calm and her mouth slightly open. The dialogue is written to imply more emotion than usual, but the visuals donât reflect that.
HOWEVER, her expression in Episode 10 (where I finally stopped and realized I was genuinely enjoying this comic~) is the best one so far; not only is it adorable, it fits the dialogue perfectly. So I assume this is a problem that will probably go away with time. Anyway, thank you for bringing this to the thread, and best wishes!
Rifterâs Covenant @Jastra
-...Okay, so I feel like when people say NOT to use a thesaurus while trying to write, this is the kind of thing theyâre afraid will happen. Your first two paragraphs are just teetering on the edge of grammatical incomprehensibilityâŚwhen I mentally replace some of the words with simpler-sounding synonyms, only then do I feel like I understand what you were going for.
Fortunately, your writing isnât âpurpleâ enough to make this really suck...like, itâs clear that youâre trying to make a point and express an emotion, not just sound cute. And that focus does help...itâs still a problem, though.
-I feel like a capital-G God would be more appropriate? Since MC is talking to directly to it/them�
-Are you...using a monologue to give us the blow-by-blow of the fight that we didnât get to see happen in the storyâŚ? :[ Because I donât know if such an emotional scene is the place for that kind of exposition...
=So the prologue feels really melodramatic. Itâs not that MC isnât allowed to be sad about their friends being slaughtered, but theyâre so âchattyâ about it that itâs hard to take it seriously. =/ This isnât something that happened before the story began; this is a present situation that theyâre currently in, and theyâre going âif only, if onlyâ and waxing poetic about being tormented by god. I feel like this is a spot where the pain should feel more ârawâ and chaotic...not many people can find the time to be eloquent in the middle of a massive traumatic experience.
AND THEN, the next chapter is just...a textbook. Like, itâs just explaining the paradigm shift leading to the present state of the world...and not even in an engaging âstorytimeâ way; itâs written like a tutorial from a video game or something. Now, in a video game that kind of thing is okay, because youâre gonna get to personally explore and make use of all the info the narrator is droning about...but in a novel, thereâs always the chance that youâre just going to get stuck with more droning, either about more of this or the next slightly-complex lore thing that comes along. And personally, based on what Iâve seen so far, thatâs not a chance I want to take. :T
Betsu no Sekai ni Mezameru @MottotteShinji
-Okay, first and foremost, I gotta say that my 100% honest first reaction to this Japanese-titled novel dripping in isekai inspo starring a âNEET otakuâ protagonist is justâŚSIGH âŻď¸żâ°
-Thatâs a nice intro paragraph, at least. It feels very...honest.
=...Itâs just too rough. =/ I was willing to give it a shot in the beginning-- your emotional scenes have heart; even though the language isnât perfect the intent is there. For a while, the novel felt like it might just be a diamond in the rough...until we entered the isekai, and suddenly our focus shifted to overly-detailed descriptions of anime girls, with a few brief MC reactions in betweenâŚ
After taking a peek at Episode 2, I can see that it does get better, but again, itâs still just too rough for me. The numerous grammatical errors, the meta-writing (like, itâs clear that this novel is for people who are already fans of isekai, and effectively excludes those who arenât familiar with the tropes)...itâs all very confusing, and thereâs not enough underneath it all to hold my attention.
I DO think youâre a good writer, though. ^^; Like, I mention âflow of ideasâ a lot in this thread, and you definitely have that. You just need to polish up the actual writing enough for it to be apparent.
