SEVENTEENTH UPDATE! (Replies 206-223)
Rewrite @Reveal
-Interesting premise~. I actually liked the lore section in 1.2.
-I think the âdeath stareâ is very awkward...ignoring the choice to use another language in just this one, insignificant instance in an otherwise English-language comic (?), it just looks lazy. If youâre going to use descriptive language for an expression, it should be part of that expression, in a sense. (a) Draw the lettering yourself, or at least use a font that matches the âdeath stareâ mood. (b) Place the text inside the panel, like you would do for a sound effect-- like, actually include it in the image.
=The dialogue is fine, but the drawings just look so goofy itâs hard to take any of it seriously, tbh. Like, they kinda clash with the tone of the story so far...if I had just read a synopsis, I would have imagined a standard anime art style, or maybe something delicate and storybook-ish, not this strange bastard lovechild of Rythm Heaven and Looney TunesâŚ
I will say that the flow of the paneling is good-- although the action posing isnât drawn all that well, it reads smoothly. It wouldnât take much to improve this comic (like in a future reboot or sthg); it has a strong foundation.
Devouring of the Master @tamapochi
-I like the chapter art~
-The prologue seems to be...a gigantic cascade of near-incomprehensibility. I can see that itâs probably intentional; like a dream sequence where things are always unclear and changing quickly, but...you still have to give the reader something to latch onto; some kind of constant. Whether itâs a cue that tells when reality is shifting, or a goal that the character has, or some kind of predictable rhythm in the way you set up each new scene.
Just completely confusing the reader (especially right at the beginning) is less of a technique and more of a gamble: youâre betting that they will respond to their confusion by continuing to read over just closing the novel and moving on. ^^; But, see, if you use actual writing techniques designed to keep them engaged, you donât have to depend on chance.
-...Who is Shinichi??
By that I mean, is this the same person we were following in the prologue?? I assume yes, but why are we starting with another dream sequence? I assume the prologue already was one?? Or was it??
And why did we have to wait to learn his name?? Itâs not as if thereâs a need to keep it secret, we have no idea who this guy (or either of these guys) are...
The first two episodes are just way too similar; it feels as if theyâre performing the same function, which makes me question what I thought I had learned from the prologue...
=...I dunno how I feel. =/ All these confusing things youâre doing arenât impossible to figure out, but the fact that I have to always go âwait, whatâ whenever you introduce something new feels tiring and unnecessary. Why am I being challenged to figure things out before Iâm even told who the main character is or how his world works...or why I should care about any of itâŚ?
Also, the writing is just...I feel bad, because itâs one of the few examples in this thread of âpoetryâ being used well, but the phrasing itself is so unnatural and distracting that itâs hard to appreciate. It feels âuncannyâ, like itâs this close to being normal English, but something is definitely off (i.e. you could use an editor).
Also, the dialogue isnât nearly as well-written, which is kind of jarring...in general, the real-world doesnât seem to be handled with as much care as the dream-world, and if thatâs where these characters are going to be spending most of their time, you should probably work on that.
Missing Pieces @coppermouflon
-...Why is the entire first episode a content warning? Why did you tell people in the synopsis to read the episode first, instead of just...including a content warning in the synopsis?? Like, it makes more sense to have it where people can see it before they open the content; thatâs kind of the point of a content warningâŚif youâre really trying to be helpful, then just make it straightforward and convenient. Not everyone will start a comic by looking at the first episode, even if you tell them they âhaveâ to.
-The drawings are REALLY strong. âoâ Like, wow...I honestly did not expect such professional-looking work
-...Iâm kinda getting Borges vibes from this~
=Wow, strong finish. ^^ I wonât lie, the first ep started out pretty boring, but I think it picked up enough by the end to pique my interest. If the subsequent episodes are paced at least a little better, I think itâll be a solid series.
Kingdom of the Red Rose @coppermouflon
-First off, let me say I like the cover illustration a lot. ^^ I think itâs really beautiful.
-...I feel like you couldâve made it a little clearer that the second episode (first ârealâ episode) was just another synopsis + dedication. ._. Like, maybe by titling it that wayâŚ?
-I...donât think you need a header on every chapter telling readers how to use a webnovel. ._____. Like, I think you can assume that most of your readers already know...Iâd really like to get to the story instead of just commenting on weird formatting stuff, but itâs all just so...weirdâŚ
-âNatureâ is covering the mountain? Not âtreesâ, not âvegetationâ, just ânatureââŚ? That is...a choice...
-This setup feels a little too obvious: âno, thatâs not how [worldbuilding] works, obviously this is how it works. Now stop interrupting and let [mentor character] tell us [lore] while we do [first plot-relevant objective]â.
Itâs just...very transparent. ^^;
-...If Griffin looks the way I think he looks based on your descriptions-- a skull with two giant cartoon eyeballs-- I just hope the effect thatâs going to have on the audience is what you intended. âuâ; Before, this story felt pretty somber and high-fantasy; now it is damn near impossible to take any of this seriously.
I am a visual reader, and visualizing that in every scene is going to affect my experience of the story. So, again...I fervently hope you are aware of what youâve done. ^^;;;
=...I feel a little let down, to be honest. Your writing isnât bad, itâs just really basic...it seems like the only technique you know how to use is âthinly veiled explanationâ...and even that doesnât work very well, because you never stop doing it.
Part of writing fantasy is learning how to entertain the reader while you teach them how your world works...I donât feel like Iâm being entertained, only taught. So not only am I bored, I feel no motivation to just âget through the tutorialâ because very little of interest is being presented to me as it is. Most of the characters are just being used for that âthinly veiled explanationâ; the MC is at least being expressive, but itâs all âappropriate awe/surprise/confusionâ meant to lend context to the explanations, or to prompt more explanations.
How long will I have to wait to just enjoy the charactersâ personalities; their motivations; their goals?? When do they get to feel like people and not plot devicesâŚ?
Living With My Fighting Game Mains @PKLucky
=...Really basic. Like, itâs literally what the title says; a comic where a girl lives with her fighting game mains...and considering the length of the episodes, I feel like itâs not gonna get much more interesting than that.
Still, it could at least be...funny? Like, when the video game characters come to life and she decides that theyâre going to live in her house, the episode ends as if thatâs the joke...even though thatâs literally just a synopsis. We...already know thatâs what happens; you told us. Why would we laugh? Because the characters say âWHATâ and make mild faces?? And thatâs just one exampleâŚ
I mean, the comic IS cute (Terry especially), Iâll give it that, but personally I need more than cute.
@littlefox Iâm...gonna err on the side of caution and not say anything about these (if Iâm wrong in doing that, just let me know and Iâll go back and react).
But just a word of advice: all the intense self-deprecation is not cool. :T Like, why are you blatantly shoving your lack of self-confidence in my face as if Iâm supposed to do something about it?? Do you expect me to deny these things and comfort you? Do you expect me to confirm these things (and if so, whatâs the point of even spending my time on the work of someone who has already decided that theyâre âtalentlessâ)?
No one wants to be put into this position...most would rather just avoid you entirely.
WANTED: Jack & Di @cpcosentino91
-Stylish first panel. ^^ Itâs a shame the rest of the art doesnât really live up to it...
-...I did not realize those were âbroken handcuffsâ. It looks like a cord bracelet with an extension chain (the fact that we barely see the character or their wrist before this does not help). If youâre going to spend 3 panels on dramatic reactions to an image before telling us what it is, you REALLY need to make sure that image is clear. =/
=...Meh. I think the comic is okay, even if the art is a little lacking. What I dislike about it the most is actually its formatting-- it is INSANELY scroll-heavy. You can barely see more than 5 words of dialogue at any given time (and itâs not like thereâs much to look at in the panels themselves). I feel like if I had to read more than 3 episodes in one sitting Iâd develop an RSI...
