TWENTY-FIFTH UPDATE! (Replies 315-322)
CRISPR 8 @chaiteaaa
=Another comic that apparently got discontinued before I reached it...and after only 5 episodes. ^^; Well, since Iām here now, I might as well say what I thought: the art is fine, although the visual FX are a little lacking compared to the rest (not great for a sci fi comic, admittedly).
The story, on the other hand (what little there is)...didnāt give me the best first impression. The MCās lines are fairly generic-- āwhere am I?ā āwho are you?ā i.e. things Iāve already heard from thousands of amnesiac protags before. And her hostility towards the smarmy 12-year-old boy feels unnecessary and unearned.
He doesnāt feel threatening...he doesnāt feel like someone who might have put her in that cage or mightāve had anything to do with her being there. To be perfectly, painfully honest-- he just feels like a basic āTumblr sexymanā OC. Yāknow, young, cute, smug, vaguely suspicious, dressed in a suit...acts as a confident authority who knows things despite their unserious demeanor...again, itās nothing I havenāt already seen a thousand times before. =/
The Lost Forest @MelancholicOtaku
-āHis robes made him stand out, of course. The city of Loor was a simple place: shiny jewels and expensive fabrics werenāt really the norm here.ā
...It always irks me when people dance around descriptions like ^this. Like, you couldnāt add one adjective to the actual phrase that gives us some idea of what weāre looking at? Not āresplendent robesā, not even āfancy robesā? An actual description of the clothing the character IS wearing would be ideal, but instead we just get an indirect mention of types of things the character might be wearing. Why???
āThe dyad between land and seaā ā This...doesnāt actually make sense. I mean, I looked up the word ādyadā and it doesnāt seem to make sense...I feel like youāre trying to use this word to mean āthe boundary between two thingsā instead of āa unified set of two thingsā (which is what it actually means). And I get the connection, and the phrase does sound cool...but it still doesnāt make actual sense.
...Neither does the rest of the sentence, now that I think about it...
=To be frank: you have an almost nonexistent flow of ideas. =/ New concepts are seemingly just thrown into the story randomly, and the messy punctuation and inconsistent grammar doesnāt help. The end result is something really confusing and unpleasant to read...it almost feels like the characters and events are purposely written to be as difficult to understand as possible, so that I have to keep doing double takes and re-reading paragraphs to make sure I know whatās actually happening. Like I mentioned earlier, itās like youāre dancing around all the important information instead of just delivering it.
I feel like this might just be a case of style gone wild...like you took a bunch of poetic paragraphs that sounded decent individually/in small groups (which they do) and figured you could mash them together into a coherent narrative. But you canāt...or at least, you didnāt. You need that āflowā connecting elements together, that give and take between the charactersā words and feelings, the cause and effect between their past actions and present actions. A clear picture of the characterās reality to serve as a foundation...you canāt just explain every other random detail that comes up in your worldbuilding and call that a story.
The Deadliest Assassin's Reset @zenzen
-More AI artā¦? T_T
...I donāt think itās fair to simply skip over the AI-containing entries in protest (unless itās an AI comic, b/c Iām not subjecting myself to that); I recognize that most people come here for feedback on their writing, and I want to honor that. But, PSA to everyone: when regurgitated art theft is the first thing I see on your banner/thumbnail it WILL negatively affect my experience of your story. =/ Just FYI.
-āThe noun verbed with adjectival nounā-ā this repeated structure for your descriptions is unfortunately very noticeable. ^^; You gotta mix it up a little moreā¦
-Not a fan of the descriptions constantly telling me how beautiful and smart and skilled and cool this character is. Let the reader decide; when you lay it on thick like that I feel like Iām reading an advertisement, not a storyā¦
-Prefacing the character having thoughts with āinternal dialogue occupied MCās mindā is...a choiceā¦
-āStabā?? This isnāt a comic...you...canāt just throw in action words like thatā¦
-Iām with Erun; this guy talks way too much for someone whoās supposed to be dying...makes the whole scene feel more ridiculous with every additional line of dialogueā¦
-āthe doctor had received praise throughout his distinguished career, with his name ringing through the hospital hallwaysā ā A name that, as of this line, we donāt know. ^^;;; In fact, he remains anonymous for the whole chapterā¦if youāre gonna describe him so enthusiastically, would it kill you to take 10% of that energy and just give him a nameā¦? Yāknow, so this feels less sillyā¦?
=In a word: serviceable. In another word: clownish.
The writing is...fine. It shows a decent amount of technical skill. But the experience of reading it is like having sugary candy relentlessly shoved down your throat. o_O Every single sentence is stuffed to burst with overblown, exaggerated adjectives; demanding that you feel a specific way about each and every event, setting, character, gesture. You might as well be writing in ALL CAPS with how un-subtle this is. Thereās no room for the readerās imagination to move around at all...
It is, frankly, impossible for me to take this story seriously. ^^; I canāt get immersed in anything thatās happening, because the language used to describe it is so conspicuous and borderline cartoonish. It feels like a soap opera, but somehow even more overdramatic...I kinda wish I could like this, because I can see glimmers of interesting ideas underneath all the embellishment. Unfortunately, all I can do is...laugh...
Halftone Rainbow @ueonts
=Not sure if you actually wanted my feedback on this, but I decided to err on the side of danger, since itās only a one-shot. ^^;
Overall, itās...interesting. I like when I can see an artistās skill level developing (practically in real-time!) and thatās definitely present in your art style. You set scenes well; I can totally see a professional future for you as a comic artist. Maybe by now, youāre already there? ^^
As for the writing...very haphazard, unfortunately. I mean, I get what youāre trying to do, but the lack of structure makes it hard to enjoy what youāre trying to do.
Is the lack of color after Benās death supposed to be diegetic (Charlie had some kind of trauma response and now he literally cannot see color anymore, hindering his ability to do art) or non-diegetic (itās symbolism for Charlieās depression and regret, hindering his ability to do art)?? Itās really hard to tell, because neither option is emphasized at all, so the impact of this artistic choice is totally lost.
And what happened to Charlieās character arcā¦? He starts out looking down on his friend for drawing manga in the beginning, and because of this, when he realizes that other people think his friend has more talent than him, he lashes out in the climax. Thereās clear cause and effect there.
Then, he becomes depressed, struggling to make art in his colorless world...and then he sees Benās favorite manga and looks it over and decides not only to appreciate manga, but to finish Benās own manga project for him. ā Whereās the cause and effect?? Why this sudden 180-degree change of heart? There is a VITAL piece of this story mysteriously missingā¦
I think you could have saved this story beat if you just...literally slowed down a bit. ^^ Show Charlie spending time with the manga, getting immersed in the story, maybe even hunting down more volumes because he just canāt put it down. Show that heās gradually developing an appreciation for manga as he works through his grief, let him explain how he feels differently now and why. THEN have him decide to finish Benās work as the conclusion to that arc. I think it wouldāve hit a lot harder that way.
Signs Point to Bobbie @allisoncandraw
=Itās...cute, I guess. I like that the charactersā facial expressions and gestures are believable together; I really feel like Iām watching people signing.
Unfortunately...the comics themselves are pretty dull and unfunny. =/ Very basic humor on display here. Oddly enough, I already feel some attachment to the characters, and it probably wouldnāt take much to make me actually like them. But as it is, itās a boring experience.
