TWENTY-FIFTH UPDATE! (Replies 315-322)
CRISPR 8 @chaiteaaa
=Another comic that apparently got discontinued before I reached it...and after only 5 episodes. ^^; Well, since Iâm here now, I might as well say what I thought: the art is fine, although the visual FX are a little lacking compared to the rest (not great for a sci fi comic, admittedly).
The story, on the other hand (what little there is)...didnât give me the best first impression. The MCâs lines are fairly generic-- âwhere am I?â âwho are you?â i.e. things Iâve already heard from thousands of amnesiac protags before. And her hostility towards the smarmy 12-year-old boy feels unnecessary and unearned.
He doesnât feel threatening...he doesnât feel like someone who might have put her in that cage or mightâve had anything to do with her being there. To be perfectly, painfully honest-- he just feels like a basic âTumblr sexymanâ OC. Yâknow, young, cute, smug, vaguely suspicious, dressed in a suit...acts as a confident authority who knows things despite their unserious demeanor...again, itâs nothing I havenât already seen a thousand times before. =/
The Lost Forest @MelancholicOtaku
-âHis robes made him stand out, of course. The city of Loor was a simple place: shiny jewels and expensive fabrics werenât really the norm here.â
...It always irks me when people dance around descriptions like ^this. Like, you couldnât add one adjective to the actual phrase that gives us some idea of what weâre looking at? Not âresplendent robesâ, not even âfancy robesâ? An actual description of the clothing the character IS wearing would be ideal, but instead we just get an indirect mention of types of things the character might be wearing. Why???
âThe dyad between land and seaâ â This...doesnât actually make sense. I mean, I looked up the word âdyadâ and it doesnât seem to make sense...I feel like youâre trying to use this word to mean âthe boundary between two thingsâ instead of âa unified set of two thingsâ (which is what it actually means). And I get the connection, and the phrase does sound cool...but it still doesnât make actual sense.
...Neither does the rest of the sentence, now that I think about it...
=To be frank: you have an almost nonexistent flow of ideas. =/ New concepts are seemingly just thrown into the story randomly, and the messy punctuation and inconsistent grammar doesnât help. The end result is something really confusing and unpleasant to read...it almost feels like the characters and events are purposely written to be as difficult to understand as possible, so that I have to keep doing double takes and re-reading paragraphs to make sure I know whatâs actually happening. Like I mentioned earlier, itâs like youâre dancing around all the important information instead of just delivering it.
I feel like this might just be a case of style gone wild...like you took a bunch of poetic paragraphs that sounded decent individually/in small groups (which they do) and figured you could mash them together into a coherent narrative. But you canât...or at least, you didnât. You need that âflowâ connecting elements together, that give and take between the charactersâ words and feelings, the cause and effect between their past actions and present actions. A clear picture of the characterâs reality to serve as a foundation...you canât just explain every other random detail that comes up in your worldbuilding and call that a story.
The Deadliest Assassin's Reset @zenzen
-More AI art� T_T
...I donât think itâs fair to simply skip over the AI-containing entries in protest (unless itâs an AI comic, b/c Iâm not subjecting myself to that); I recognize that most people come here for feedback on their writing, and I want to honor that. But, PSA to everyone: when regurgitated art theft is the first thing I see on your banner/thumbnail it WILL negatively affect my experience of your story. =/ Just FYI.
-âThe noun verbed with adjectival nounâ-â this repeated structure for your descriptions is unfortunately very noticeable. ^^; You gotta mix it up a little moreâŠ
-Not a fan of the descriptions constantly telling me how beautiful and smart and skilled and cool this character is. Let the reader decide; when you lay it on thick like that I feel like Iâm reading an advertisement, not a storyâŠ
-Prefacing the character having thoughts with âinternal dialogue occupied MCâs mindâ is...a choiceâŠ
-âStabâ?? This isnât a comic...you...canât just throw in action words like thatâŠ
-Iâm with Erun; this guy talks way too much for someone whoâs supposed to be dying...makes the whole scene feel more ridiculous with every additional line of dialogueâŠ
-âthe doctor had received praise throughout his distinguished career, with his name ringing through the hospital hallwaysâ â A name that, as of this line, we donât know. ^^;;; In fact, he remains anonymous for the whole chapterâŠif youâre gonna describe him so enthusiastically, would it kill you to take 10% of that energy and just give him a nameâŠ? Yâknow, so this feels less sillyâŠ?
=In a word: serviceable. In another word: clownish.
The writing is...fine. It shows a decent amount of technical skill. But the experience of reading it is like having sugary candy relentlessly shoved down your throat. o_O Every single sentence is stuffed to burst with overblown, exaggerated adjectives; demanding that you feel a specific way about each and every event, setting, character, gesture. You might as well be writing in ALL CAPS with how un-subtle this is. Thereâs no room for the readerâs imagination to move around at all...
It is, frankly, impossible for me to take this story seriously. ^^; I canât get immersed in anything thatâs happening, because the language used to describe it is so conspicuous and borderline cartoonish. It feels like a soap opera, but somehow even more overdramatic...I kinda wish I could like this, because I can see glimmers of interesting ideas underneath all the embellishment. Unfortunately, all I can do is...laugh...
Halftone Rainbow @ueonts
=Not sure if you actually wanted my feedback on this, but I decided to err on the side of danger, since itâs only a one-shot. ^^;
Overall, itâs...interesting. I like when I can see an artistâs skill level developing (practically in real-time!) and thatâs definitely present in your art style. You set scenes well; I can totally see a professional future for you as a comic artist. Maybe by now, youâre already there? ^^
As for the writing...very haphazard, unfortunately. I mean, I get what youâre trying to do, but the lack of structure makes it hard to enjoy what youâre trying to do.
Is the lack of color after Benâs death supposed to be diegetic (Charlie had some kind of trauma response and now he literally cannot see color anymore, hindering his ability to do art) or non-diegetic (itâs symbolism for Charlieâs depression and regret, hindering his ability to do art)?? Itâs really hard to tell, because neither option is emphasized at all, so the impact of this artistic choice is totally lost.
And what happened to Charlieâs character arcâŠ? He starts out looking down on his friend for drawing manga in the beginning, and because of this, when he realizes that other people think his friend has more talent than him, he lashes out in the climax. Thereâs clear cause and effect there.
Then, he becomes depressed, struggling to make art in his colorless world...and then he sees Benâs favorite manga and looks it over and decides not only to appreciate manga, but to finish Benâs own manga project for him. â Whereâs the cause and effect?? Why this sudden 180-degree change of heart? There is a VITAL piece of this story mysteriously missingâŠ
I think you could have saved this story beat if you just...literally slowed down a bit. ^^ Show Charlie spending time with the manga, getting immersed in the story, maybe even hunting down more volumes because he just canât put it down. Show that heâs gradually developing an appreciation for manga as he works through his grief, let him explain how he feels differently now and why. THEN have him decide to finish Benâs work as the conclusion to that arc. I think it wouldâve hit a lot harder that way.
Signs Point to Bobbie @allisoncandraw
=Itâs...cute, I guess. I like that the charactersâ facial expressions and gestures are believable together; I really feel like Iâm watching people signing.
Unfortunately...the comics themselves are pretty dull and unfunny. =/ Very basic humor on display here. Oddly enough, I already feel some attachment to the characters, and it probably wouldnât take much to make me actually like them. But as it is, itâs a boring experience.
