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RobertBMarks
Jul '22

I have been writing professionally for almost 25 years (my first professional publication was a review of Myth II: Soulblighter in Computer Gaming World in 1998/1999). In that time, I've done a lot of editing and mentoring of new and young writers. And there's a pattern I've seen repeat with almost every single one - a mediocre opening sentence, followed by a really good second sentence that should have been the actual opening sentence.

If I had to guess at why this happens, a lot of new writer's aren't quite sure about how to draw the reader into their story. So, they subconsciously hedge their bets on the first sentence. Once that is done, though, they can then relax, and the story starts flowing properly.

So, what makes for a good opening sentence?

Well, let's take a look at the most famous bad one for a moment: "It was a dark and stormy night."

If you're reading that in isolation and wondering "why is that bad?", you're not wrong to do so. As sentences go, it's actually pretty good. In 7 words in conveys a lot of environmental information, and even sets a tone for whatever follows. So what is wrong with it as an opening?

Well, what does it tell us? It tells us that it is nighttime, and there is a storm. All of this is environmental information - but there's nothing that suggests to the reader that there is something worthy of their attention. It's not a matter of "so what?" or "who cares?" - there's plenty of answers to be had to both of those questions for this sentence - it's a matter of any sentence starting a story needing to signal to the reader that there is something happening or going to happen that will be of interest. And because this sentence is purely environmental, it doesn't do that.

Suppose, for a moment, that we made a modification to this sentence. Let's add three words: "in the desert." We're still conveying environmental information, but there's now a distinct difference: thunderstorms aren't normally associated with deserts. So now, we're signalling to the reader that this storm is somewhere it shouldn't be. Why is this storm in the desert? Now, we have an interesting question that the narrative is promising to answer.

Let's try a different modification: "It was a dark and stormy night, and the ghosts were out." Once again, we've added information and raised questions for the narrative to answer. Who are these ghosts? What are they doing? What is their relationship to this storm?

The opening sentence for my current serial is "From his dark tower in the wastelands, The Destroyer stared up at the stars and wondered what was there." The first half of the sentence is environmental and sets up expectations - The Destroyer is clearly a fantasy villain or overlord of some sort, and he is in the most traditional (even cliched) of environments for such a character - but the second half then presents him doing something very out of the ordinary. Why is this dark lord doing the sort of looking out at the heavens that we associate with a hero soon to begin their heroic journey? The opening sentence presents this disconnect and the question the narrative will answer to the reader, the rest of the prologue adds to the mystery behind it, and then The Destroyer begins his journey and the narrative kicks off.

As I said at the beginning, most new writers WILL do this instinctively, raising all the questions and mystery they need to get the reader hooked...in their second sentence. So, take a look at your opening paragraph - you'll probably find that your perfect opening sentence is already there...you just need to delete your first sentence to make it shine.

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Ordinaryaverageguy
Jul '22

I'd say it's not an interesting start. But at least it's short & the next sentences come quickly to make up for it. It IS memorable, though.

BoomerZ
Jul '22

Only thing I would add as these are very simplistic starters. "It was a dark and stormy night, and the ghosts were out" seems very schoolish story writing. "It was a dark and stormy night. One that hasn't been seen in ages by the local populace. It was the type of storm that came down in sheets, reducing visibility to no more than a few meters in front of you. But this night was different. This night, ghost were out." It's better to set up you narrative through a paragraph than just a short sentence. Most readers will give the curtesy of a very few sentences to hook them.

"From his dark tower in the wastelands, The Destroyer stared up at the stars and wondered what was there." Same with this line. You set up a dark tower, but don't give it any emotional weight. Is it dark in color or dark as sinister? Is he alone in his dark tower and feeling like he needs to think on his existence? What are the wastelands? That brings many things to mind and seems too vague to nail any of them down. Use a short paragraph to give it some emotion weight, then hit them with the "wondered what was there" in the last sentence as the punch to set the story up. Then we have a framework to get why he wonders.

RobertBMarks
Jul '22
Ordinaryaverageguy

Right...that's the surface. But what is the information that is being communicated? More specifically, what is the story hook that is being communicated?

Ordinaryaverageguy
Jul '22

It's 3 words only, so not much. "I'm Ishmael to you". "This is my story." I suppose if a reader had to stop right there & write a paper on what they read, they could infer things such as the speaker is hiding from their past or something in their past & now goes about under an assumed identity. Do IRL readers think that far into the 1st sentence? EDIT: I mean a 1st sentence that short.

RobertBMarks
Jul '22
BoomerZ

Yeah, you've missed the point. Pretty much completely, in fact.

For one thing, this is a guide to the opening sentence, not the opening paragraph. More information to come in the opening paragraph can be assumed. The starters are simplistic and schoolish because this post is a lesson. They are to illustrate the mechanism.

To take your own paragraph, it honestly isn't very good. You've lost yourself in details, and twisted it into a knot in the process. So, starting with the concept, this is a ghost story. The environmental mood should be threatening and spooky. The sheets of rain and reduced visibility are certainly intense, but they aren't threatening unless your character has to go out and drive in it. Another problem is that rain has a symbolism of cleansing, rejuvenation, and rebirth - it's not spooky, and it certainly doesn't support the beginning of a ghost story (howling wind, thunder, and lightning, absolutely right - heavy rain, not so much). Then we come to the problems of sentences #2 and #4 - the first states that it's the sort of storm that hasn't been seen in ages, making it different. But then, having already established that the storm is different, in sentence #4 you add on a second "But this night was different," creating the knot. And only then do you get to the most important piece of information: there are ghosts.

It's true that a reader will often give you a full paragraph to hook them. But this doesn't make putting the actual story hook at the end of a paragraph a good idea. You get much better results if you use the opening sentence to hook the reader, and then the rest of the paragraph to draw them further in by adding details and information.

(As far as my own story goes, the dark tower isn't described in any detail in the opening sentence because it is almost completely irrelevant to the character and the story - it appears in the prologue and will never be seen again. The trope is invoked to inform the reader of a single thing: that The Destroyer is a dark lord in a fantasy story. What is important is the contradiction - this traditional, even cliched, dark lord is not acting like one. The rest of the prologue draws these contradictions out, adding details (such as descriptions of the tower, and the fact that he spends his days alone sitting on his throne) a bit at a time to build the picture. There are other reasons that it is left so vague and undeveloped, but you'll just have to read the story if you want to know more.)

RobertBMarks
Jul '22
Ordinaryaverageguy

Don't worry about the readers will think - worry about the impact it will have on them. If you were reading this sentence as a reader, would it hook you?

And if so, why or why not?

(And yes, if you haven't guessed, I teach writing in the fall term at my local university.)

BoomerZ
Jul '22
RobertBMarks

I think you missed my point of the example of the storm. The rain was a description of the storm to set an emotion. To contrast it to any other storm. The difference between a spooky storm and a rain storm is based on the story, which I don't know. You can use different adjectives to make the storm whatever you like. I was literally just typing something out to lead to the final sentence, which shows something is happening (ghosts). The point was it was a storm that hasn't been seen for a while but even then, this night is different. Otherwise ghosts being out might be normal.

Ordinaryaverageguy
Jul '22
RobertBMarks

Maybe I'm being too simplistic or something but it seems they have to think something about the sentence if it's to have impact at all. Yes?

Would that sentence hook me? I think not. But I'd probably give the story the rest of the page to try to do so since I think I don't expect that much from 1st sentences.

RobertBMarks
Jul '22
BoomerZ

The reader cannot read your intentions - only your words. Your words in this thread missed the point of what I was trying to teach, and provided an example that was convoluted, used inappropriate imagery (and thus undermined any emotional impact you were trying to create), and, worst of all, did not accomplish the illustration you were attempting to provide.

I've now been in front of a university classroom teaching writing for 5 years. Before that, I mentored my share of writers. When you are attempting to illustrate a mechanism, you have to use simple constructions to do so, in which the mechanism is stripped bare. There's only one time where I try to get clever, and that's when illustrating the dangers of trying to be too clever (quite literally, I tell my students that "Exploring the potential of three-dimensional space-time while efficiently exchanging oxygen and carbon dioxide" sounds intelligent right up until you realize what it says is "Occupying space and breathing").

Look, if there's a writing technique that you've refined and want to expound upon, then this forum is the place to do so. But if you do, make sure your examples are straightforward and illustrate what you are trying to say with clarity, and don't EVER drop into somebody else's lesson and try to torpedo it. (Seriously, how the hell would you feel if somebody went and did that to you?)

RobertBMarks
Jul '22

Very good!

Now I'm wondering what the speaker's name is, what the trouble is, and just who the hell this guy is in the first place.

The only refinement I'd suggest is that "for that name" is a bit of an old fashioned construction, and not the way people really speak in conversation. Instead, you might want to use "You may call me Ismael -- that name will keep both of us out of trouble."

Ordinaryaverageguy
Jul '22

Thank you! I chose that wording to remain somewhat consistent with the age of the original story. If I were writing in a contemporary setting, I suppose I'd (eventually) edit it to "You may call me Ismael. That name will keep both of us out of trouble." But then it's 2 sentences instead of just the 1st one. :slight_smile:

Ordinaryaverageguy
Jul '22

He's a university professor of writing. I think they DO lecture to get educational material across. At lease they did when I was in college. :grin:

TheLemmaLlama
Jul '22
RobertBMarks

You've said some interesting stuff here, but I don't think it's helpful to tell people not to 'torpedo' your lesson. You've been teaching for 5 years; surely you've had some students who try to pick apart your arguments. Do you accuse them of trying to 'torpedo your lesson' as well? Or do you trust that they're here to learn?

If you're presenting yourself as a teacher in this thread, then everyone who comes here is your student. They're not 'dropping into someone else's lesson' like some rando barging into your classroom to argue with you. This is their lesson too.

RobertBMarks
Jul '22

I am a sessional instructor in a 4th year professional prep course, teaching engineering students writing and disaster analysis. There are three types of lessons I do:

  • Lectures, in which I stand and talk, and then field questions at the end.
  • Workshops, in which the students bring in their assignments, get into groups and edit each other's work, and the TA and I work the room to sort out any questions or problems that might crop up before anything gets handed in and marked.
  • Seminars (in the disaster analysis section), in which I ask questions and the students do most of the talking, with me occasionally adding something here and there.

Never once have I had a student stand up and declare that the basics of what I was teaching was wrong or not of value in the first place. I've fielded plenty of questions that amounted to "but what about this," and if the student had a point, I always conceded it (an air of infallibility makes for bad teaching, and one should never be afraid to admit when one is wrong, or doesn't know the answer to a question). I've had plenty of students argue that a mistake was made in their assignment during my office hours (in fact, I encourage students to do it - I want them to know how to argue the merits, and I enjoy being able to raise a student's mark). But what happened here wasn't anything like what I have seen in my classroom - it was somebody saying "everybody should disregard this and do my thing instead." There is a big difference.

Or, at the risk of coming across as unlikable or unapproachable (and if I come across this way, I apologize), let me put it this way: if everybody who comes here into this thread is my student, then this thread, by extension, is also my classroom. If I would not tolerate a type of conduct in my classroom, why should I give it a pass here?