Thank you for the feedback! I have had a hard time getting quality feedback other than "it's good", so I'm very thankful for your thought out review!
First thing about your side note, while I am not fluent I have studied Japanese for many years and I have more than basic knowledge of it. I also have a friend who is Japanese who corrects my translations when necessary ^_^ I don't use a lot of it in this story though because I don't want the translations to be too distracting and he already knows English.
"Meet at location^ seven." ^, use a comma after location. Otherwise someone could assume the person reading it could be named Seven. We've heard of the name Four so....
I feel like if that were his codename it would be capitalized, right? Putting a comma there feels weird to me. I can't put my finger on it, but I have changed it to "Meet at the seventh location."
Also, thanks for pointing out about him needing to be prepared with his gun as a professional. I will adjust that scene.
Jeremiah must be a Hoss to pick up another person dead weight and put him in the saddle, get up and get down from the saddle with out our MC falling off.
Jeremiah takes after my brother a lot, who is also a farmhand. He is capable of doing this, but I can see why you would point it out I have reflected on this scene and have come up with a solution to make it more believable. I have changed it so that Jeremiah has the horse kneel down so that it is easier for him to get Shyba up on his back.
This was pointed out to me in my own story, so I'll give you the same advice. The MC thoughts should be shown in Italics, that way the reader as a visual clue to pick up on that they are reading a thought without it disrupting the flow.
This has been pointed out to me too and I always feel weird when I try to do this. I know it has something to do with the way my brain actually "narrates". I recently learned that there are either people who hear their own thoughts and those that don't. I think that has something to do with it. I suppose italicizing thoughts is the norm though so I should just bite the bullet and do it even though, to me, it breaks the flow
Shyba...Sheeba? Shayba? See-ba? How do you pronounce the name he gave Kiara and her family?
It is pronounced how it is spelled Shy-ba
Okay her reaction to being caught talking to the plants seems a tad dramatic. I understand her emotions and reaction are tied to the fact that she's doing something that's related to memories of her father (who died? haven't found this out exactly yet). However, our MC isn't described to be smiling, or forcing himself to keep a straight face so I feel her immediate tears and quick demand to "Not laugh" was a bit overboard. Unless there's a reason for this reaction that we find out later. I would remove the tears and keep it to defensive body language, like how her fists were.
This does get brought up later.
So far, you've kept it interesting and steady with the scenes, but I want to know more about the MC. Not just his anxious thoughts over a gun and a coat or distrust of this family who saved his life, but WHY the thoughts of Tokyo are causing the anxiety about his master. Even a sliver of information more about our dear MC would be nice. So far he seems pretty bland for a hardened teenage assassin with red eyes.... I'm hoping the next few chapters will give me what I'm looking for.
This is the type of feedback I've been looking for! I have been wondering if perhaps he is too "soft". My line of thinking was that he has obviously had some sort of trauma, but I have a difficult time determining how "hardened" he should be because of certain aspects of his personality and how he has had to survive. Though, the chapter you're looking for may be just a few more up ahead.
I will reflect on this further though.
I really enjoyed reading your thoughts overall and appreciate everything you pointed out ^_^