Recently Redid my web comic would like a review

grovylegirl 2015-12-20 23:06:04 UTC #1

Hello! I just redid my webcomic, the prologue is the only thing that is out right now, but I was wondering if someone could review it.

It's not perfect, but I hope you enjoy it
Fragments of the forgotten ones

epiale 2015-12-21 03:02:10 UTC #2

I am going to be honest in this review, because I feel it will be more helpful to you as a comic creator in the long run.

I think the prologue is unecessary. It introduces several very easy to digest concepts that could be just as easily slipped into a few panels of character dialogue, or dispersed thtoughout the story and brought up when relevant, something that would be more immediately interesting (creates a sense of world, and an air or excitement when the information is scattered for the reader to discover) and would allow for character development. It's also a bit spoon-feedy with the description of the story being sad and dramatic literally stated in the prologue. A general rule of storytelling is to show, not tell, and this is nothing but telling.

You may also want to check over your grammar, or have someone else check it over for you. You have several incredibly awkward scentences in there, and errors that distract from everything else. It's also a very easy fix to make things immediately better.

On the art end of things it doesn't look bad. I'd recommend trying to clean the lines up a bit, but otherwise the comic visually looks perfectly nice.

Overall it seems like you're incredibly eager to get into the real meat of the story and have your readers immediately understand and feel as strongly about it as you do. I'd personally recommend slowing down. Take your time introducing the world. Develop your characters and story organically and let the reader learn to appreciate the story and grow attached through the telling of it instead of heavy-handing it right from the start.

I wish you luck in your comic, and hope that maybe even a small bit of this was helpful. : )

UzukiCheverie 2015-12-21 04:45:14 UTC #3

Wasn't your series relatively new to begin with? It seems wasteful to delete your original to upload the redo that's not even much of a redo to begin with (as both were uploaded without much time in between to really fine-tune those things you thought were wrong that required the redo in the first place).

Buuuut that's just me lol

Grammar is a big one here. There are a lot of sentences throughout that are very difficult and awkward to read simply because of a misplaced letter or two or words being in the wrong spots altogether. If grammar is not your strongest suite (which is okay), then find a friend IRL or online who could help you with it

Along with that, there are definitely spots you should try and clean up in terms of linework and color. You should work on your lineart practice in general to get more confidence in your lines, which will result in cleaner, smoother, bolder lines, and less of the sketchy-lines you've got going now (which works for some comics, but that's only when you've got the right kind of sketchy lines, which is an actual style all on its own that requires practice and a certain method of execution, and is paired with coloring that works well with it). And that goes for your coloring too; it almost looks like you're using the airbrush tool for some of your coloring, which I would frankly stay away from. The airbrush should only be used for some shading, and even then you don't want to overdo it (it can give your art a faded, cloudy, cheap look; otherwise, use a hard, sharp brush or ink pen tool, nothing with faded edges). Also, I shouldn't have to say this, but I'm gonna do it anyway - stay inside the lines; something as simple as that can make your art look 1000% better.

Overall, use this advice for the future - don't keep going back over and over again, redoing the same pages, because you'll never make any actual progress that way. Leave this prologue the way it is (aside from fixing typos and grammar), and let your artwork evolve naturally (with practice and working more and more on your comic's progression). Too many people let themselves get stuck in a redo-loop - not only does it completely destroy your artistic self-esteem (you feel like you're not making progress, never satisfied with your own work, etc etc.) but your comic will never make progress that way. The only time a "full redo" should be done is if you're literally redoing the series after it's finished (like a movie reboot). And doing it after the series is done at least means you've improved a bit since you first did the pages (vs. your situation where it's only been a very short time since you even posted the first copy of the prologue, which was, according to your topic history from when you asked for a review the first time, two weeks ago - nowhere near enough time for you to make any actual leaps in improvement to demand a full-on "redo"). Put it down. Move on.

grovylegirl 2015-12-21 11:01:45 UTC #4

one of the reasons why i redid the prologue was because it was unclear and messy i was still learning how to do paneling and i was confused so i wanted to make the prologue more clear so people could understand the story better. thank you for the advice though.

Marvin 2015-12-21 13:11:32 UTC #5

Agreed. And more than that, you shouldn't have to EVER tell us what your story feels like. It will be the reader's job to judge if they find your story funny or sad or epic etc (and it's your job to make them feel the way you want about it !)

Also, it begins like a prologue (but as @epiale said, I believe those are informations you could have easily given in chapter one without the "textbook feel") but it kinda ends like a movie trailer ? I don't know that's how I feel about it... Like at first you're giving general infos about your world, but then you're like "This is a story of sadness, sacrifice blabla" and I was almost expecting a "in theaters in march 2016".
What makes this weird is that as a prologue, you're giving out infos about the story as the author, with an omniscient point of view. But then the "trailer" part feels like someone else is judging your story as a product, not an universe (like a cinema critic). I'm not sure I'm very clear...
And the last sentence breaks the feeling of epicness you created because you use two words at the end (tragedy and adventure). If you read it aloud it doesn't work.

Sorry if this all feels negative, as @UzukiCheverie said, I'd suggest you keep going and you'll get better and better !