Here are my thoughts as I was reading:
* The prologue’s central idea is interesting. I think you just need to develop it more and focus on a single event. I don’t think the prologue is hitting as hard as it should. The scope is too broad and the depth in too shallow. Take more time developing Evermore’s internal conflict and the tension she would feel as she gradually inches towards her death.
* Evermore’s character description was done well. The timing felt natural. Questions: How dark is the forest that she can see her reflection clearly?
* Question: How is Evermore able to see that the flowers in the forest are different colours when its dark?
* The paragraphs are too short. Sentences joined together by an idea should form a single paragraph. Breaking into a new paragraph after every sentence or two is confusing since the following sentence is a continuation of the previous sentence’s idea but they aren’t joined which signals (at least in my head) that they aren’t connected. It’s confusing and makes reading more difficult.
* Structurally, the prologue should be its own chapter. Beginning the first chapter with the section following the ellipses will make the narrative more clear and structurally consistent since you will be separating the tonally suicide note-esque prologue from the rest of the story. I think removing the last section of the prologue would be better overall. Having Evermore wake up in a forest without telling the reader how she got there would make for a more interesting opening.
* Don’t tell the audience that the forest is dangerous. Develop the sense of danger through more sensory descriptions (sound, sight, touch, temperature, smell). The sense of danger should also develop more gradually as the tension increases.
* Contrasting the forest’s exterior beauty with a sense of danger is excellent. Develop this idea more.
* The internal dialogue feels unnatural at times. Thoughts such as “How did I end up in this massive, mythical-looking forest?” reads more like a description that didn’t fit in the description section rather than something a character would think when observing the setting. A similar issue occurs when she thinks that she was sixteen. Do not use dialogue to explicitly convey information. This makes it seem as if the dialogue was placed in the story for the reader’s benefit, rather than it being a piece that a character would think or say naturally.
The story is interesting. Have fun writing.
