Hello everyone! I'm a brand new author here on Tapas, and I was wondering if I could get some feedback from my fellow authors about what I could improve. Any and all advice is welcome. I am not looking for subs/likes. I simply wish to refine my writing style and flow. Thanks in advance!
Aesthetically yours,
Tubacabra
Oct '24
Oct '24
Absolutely! Ill read and comment when I can on your story. I’ve also been needing some reviews so If you have a moment to spare I’d be most appreciative if you could review my work as well when you can. 🥹
It’s totally fine any and all input is very much appreciated. 
Thanks in advance for taking the time.
All right, I just got back from reading your first chapter. Your writing skills are superb. I found zero grammatical errors throughout your text. The story is extremely interesting. I’ll be continuing to read and will be commenting again once I get to your latest chapter. 
@Tubacabra
Amazing first chapter, I'm already hooked. My only suggestions are give Rixi as detailed an introduction description as Edwin, add in some little lines about the characters reaction/expressions, and add what Edwin's relation to Mancer is. I want their scene to be painted a little clearer because I'm uncertain as to why they're even meeting in the wasteland since Mancer doesn't seem to like him at all or need him.
Thanks for your feedback, everyone!
@BellaTheCow I read your comic. It's absolutely hilarious, and I normally stay away from anthropomorphic animals. That first chapter was just a cow in the rain, but I haven't laughed that much in a while. Probably because Oklahoma weather is basically the same. Overall, just keep pumping the funnies and being you. It's like a little ray of sunshine for the soul.
All right, so now I’ve read all your chapters and I really don’t have much to say about your story accept just keep developing the characters exactly like you are doing now. Truly your novel is a real page turner. 
@Tubacabra
OMG! TYSM!!! Seeing this comment really made my day. 
️ @Tubacabra
Based off the first chapter so far, you did a good job creating a desolate environment to first introduce us to, as well as showing us the absolute resolve that Mancer had; and not out of a sense of duty or responsibility, but out of a lack of anything else in their life worth pursuing, it seems. I like the way you depicted Mancer, covered in tattoos, and the fact his eye has such a magical branding as well now seems really cool!
That said, it felt like the brief moment with Rixi was too brief, and a little forced; we can't possibly connect to either of them, or know the context enough behind a random name drop, so the most I could do was raise an eyebrow when Mancer released/banished Rixi then and there. Not sure how she might have been contracted with him before he was born, so that felt really random and not sure how to categorize it internally. Plus, I couldn't tell exactly if she was gone for good, if he would need to resummon her to see her again or what, so the impact of that was a little softer than I imagine you intended.
Showing us Edwin and ending him in the same second-half of the first chapter is an interesting choice, but I think you did a decent job showing his maniacal and sociopathic personality in that short time. However, he sounds like the equivalent of a god, and I can't tell if that's what he is or not. He might very well have been a man who was gifted/born with powers beyond any other mortal, and was able to abuse it to assert magical domination on his subjects, hence the way he talks about them, but is then still very capable of dying. Or, as you put it, his 'existence' was ended, which isn't necessarily the same... man, that leaves a lot of questions! Did Mancer just erase him from the timeline with Chroma's powers? Or were you just being vague in order to censor or for word limit? Questions, questions!
Going back to Chroma real quick, that felt way too fast as well. They both were clearly used to this process, but for the first chapter, I can't help but wish there had been a bit more handholding to guide the reader a few more steps; otherwise, I totally get what you were going for in making it ambiguous and mysterious, and it was well done!
But then that leaves me with other questions: How many people have attempted to contract with Chroma in the past? Have any of them been successful? Did Edwin know about Chroma and leave him be? To what extent are Chroma's powers, anyways? And when Chroma asks for an offering, is he just asking for a place to belong on Mancer? Why did all he need to form a contract was see the tattoos that Mancer had, and were his eyes really the last place left? Does Mancer see the clock hand ticking in his vision at all times? Can he see out of it at all?
THE QUESTIONS MAN, THE QUESTIONS!
Unfortunately, I'm seriously busy writing my own series, "The Herald of Death," so not sure I'll be able to get to the rest of yours before the Action-Fantasy Tourney is over, but your premise seems interesting so I wish you luck! My only other recommendation would be to generalize the tags of your story itself better, not related to the characters but genres or themes people could potentially search for. That, and I'm not quite sure how to feel about what seems like the unnecessary censoring of "bitch" but I'll leave that to writer's discretion based on the platform.
I also want to note that I coincidentally was listening to the Primordial Chaos from the HADES videogame OST, as I was writing something relating to the void for my own novel when I stopped and gave your piece a read. I recommend giving it a listen on loop while reading the first chapter like I did, cuz it fits eerily well...
If you get the time to give any feedback on my series as well, I'd appreciate it! Not just looking for glaze or praise, but honest critiques if you have any.
