Social cues: how to distinguish rude joke (not ill-intended), from real insulting (ill-intended)

[skicoak]

There's also something to be said about how humor is harder to quantify without additional shared constructs.

As an oldster, it's weird to me that large swaths of people need a "LOL" or to follow a written statement to clarify the tone. Even if the margin of error for misunderstanding is relatively small.

That's why the examination of social clues is a worthy pursuit but you could be missing a ton of social interaction that is specific shared construct of a small group.

I've been part of groups that develop a distinct shorthand for delivery and receipt of rude jokes. Outside attempts to quantify the intent of those jokes would be skewed by not having the proper Rosetta Stone as it were.

[Kelheor]

Sorry, late reply due to some overworking xD

Hard to say, sometimes as you say you can judge it by the tone of the voice/context, but again, not always

If it's a friend, you probably know them by now and you say you don't like the joke if it really hurt. If a person is an acquaintance, you'll probably know by now if they're an asshole or not.
I will never say to not_a_friend that I am offended (or joke back), exactly because I believe most people will pressure on this point again Something like this will work if you are in a new community though, when you don't know people and people don't know you yet, so you have to check everybody out. Not with someone you already know or a random stranger on a bus.

I am bad with talking to people in general and I rarely talk back, so I'm not the best person to write something useful here, people up there wrote it the best

[Darkstrong]

People don't get my jokes all the time. I mean, constantly. For some reason, even the most harmless thing (from my perspective) turns into an insult. I've got no idea how to deal with it 🤨
But I probably won't apologize for something harmless, that I said. I will just go 🤨🤷
That really depends on the situation though

[ar-ninetysix]

Not that I've faced this in a long time, but my response (whether I was hurt or not) would simply be "I don't get it." I don't like sharing my emotions like that in person, so this is my solution rather than just telling any friends outright that I was hurt. A plain statement really allows you to see the intent behind what they meant, I feel.

Chances are, they'll most likely kill the rude joke by over-explaining it. They might even find themselves not liking the joke anymore once they've explained why it was supposed to be funny. Believe it or not, there's people that become self-aware like that. You'll have a chance to say how you feel about it, and if they still persist on making that kind of joke around you.. well, that's up to you and how much you're willing to tolerate it.

And if it was an insult, they'll have to elaborate on what they actually meant.. which I imagine would be an uncomfortable position to be in. They'd either have to explain their thoughts and feelings more, or just apologize out of whatever negative feeling got imposed on them. Both situations in this context would give you a chance to let them know that you did feel insulted. It might even open up the opportunity for a calm discussion on what reason they had for feeling the need (or impulse) to insult you.

Or... I guess, you could just ask if that's a joke or insult, and plainly tell them you couldn't tell the difference.. but we don't do that here lol

[therealbereth]

I'm not agree. If one will learn to distinguish these cases instead of being offended by everything, their life will be easier.

Hmmm. Yes, and no?

Thing is, I'm not talking about "being offended". There are things that are just genuinely hurtful and so simply unnecessary. Of course, if one learns to shrug it off better, then life gets easier—but only because people refuse to just be respectful. In my opinion, there is nothing that keeps people from being rude but themselves. So if someone tells me what I'm saying or doing is hurting them, who am I to say that's not the case? Who am I to insist on my behavior?

I feel like it would be easier to just be nice to each other. Misunderstandings happen, quite frequently even, and they can be talked about. But insisting on hurtful behavior is another thing entirely. If people do that, I write them off entirely. No time for unnecessary and intentional harm.

That's a quick way of making cry bullies, Example: I find what you are saying offensive and makes me feel bad, apologize right now for my hurt feelings. Why am I offended? doesn't matter I just am Apologize right now!!!

Your example is someone manipulating another. If people do that, they have other issues than how people talk to them.

[DarJodo]

It may seem like people lack subtlety, but it is worth keeping in mind that, first, more people than ever are engaging in literate activities. That is good, but it does mean that the average level of discourse online is going to skew toward the simple.

Second, people are going to use emojis if given the choice. They do help us reclaim some of the things that are lost when we stop talking face-to-face.

[skicoak]

Second, people are going to use emojis if given the choice. They do help us reclaim some of the things that are lost when we stop talking face-to-face.

When I first started texting, I would sometimes send a picture of my face displaying the appropriate emotional content of a message that I thought might not be interpreted correctly. And maybe it was a commentary on my face as well... but people did not like it. They universally did not like it.

So I question that emojis truly fill in for face to face content...since my actual face tested poorly.

I suspect they occupy something closer to a simplified combination of shorthand and punctuation.

[DarJodo]

That might be a problem specific to your face.

[skicoak]

That might be a problem specific to your face.

So your emoji is really tired thinking about my face?

[DarJodo]

To an emoji, contemplating a human face must be like contemplating the face of God.

[IdiotWithPencil]

Your example is someone manipulating another.

Exactly, and that's why I say what you are posting (that if someone is hurt doesn't matter the intention) then you are going to get manipulators who will exploit other people, I would just need to tell you that somebody told me something hurtful and you would immediately side with me cause I was hurt and the intention does not matter.

So if someone tells me what I'm saying or doing is hurting them, who am I to say that's not the case? Who am I to insist on my behavior?

You are being rude right now, all your words are hurtful to me, stop typing cause everything you type is hurtful

now will you continue or ignore my hurt feelings?

[vothnthorvaldson]

We have to learn to take a step back. Making sure that no one's feelings is ever accidentally hurt maybe be possible only (and I don't personnally think it is a good thing AT ALL), in a small community with people all having the same objective: being in a quiet, unchallenged, homogeneous environment.

I can't even imagine what that mindset would to to me who's constantly between 3/4 cultures. Half the stuff one culture thinks is ok, the other does not; politeness rules are entirely different etc.
I know everyone is not in such a situation, but what I mean is that as soon as one goes out of their little homogenous friend group/community, it's just not applicable. Intent is the only thing that count, because delivery depends on cultural aspects so much (not only whole countries culture, also community, group etc cultures).

[IdiotWithPencil]

I know everyone is not in such a situation, but what I mean is that as soon as one goes out of their little homogenous friend group/community, it's just not applicable.

even inside that group isn't necessarily safe, I have lived almost all my life in one culture/group and still there is friction, we just learned to deal with it and move on, or if we truly fuck up we apologize and move on I.E (depends on intention).

Intent is the only thing that count, because delivery depends on cultural aspects so much

Exactly, hell where I come from we have a story where and American boxer almost beat up some guys cause they said "Oye negrito vente pa comer" to the Venezuelan Boxer, the Venezuelan boxer had to explain to the American that "negrito" was an affectionate and friendly nick name I.E Black or "Negro" isn't a denigrating word in Venezuela actually it's endearing, the American was so surprised he could not believe it at all.

different cultures different meanings and intentions =0

[skicoak]

The basic riddle stems down to a basic question...

Which approach seems most feasible...limiting people's speech, and actions, to insure nothing is done to offend...OR have an expectation that people should learn to process being offended/insulted better?

[unknown_user]

@IdiotWithPencil Please, ease up a little bit. If it'll continue this way, it will start to look like you make claims against @therealbereth personally, even if it wasn't your intent. I'd ask to keep this discussion more calm to avoid unnecessary quarrels. If topic will turn into quarrel, it will cause closing it by mod.

(Shit, I feel like a HIGH-SOCIETY LADY now. I'm so polite and cultural today. Holy fuck )

[vothnthorvaldson]

Oh yes, even inside a small group there can be such issues, it's normal. But after a while we know enough the people to avoid most problems if it's our ultimate goal (it is not mine. I don't want to intentionally hurt people, but if, to be sure I don't, I have to shut up/sugarcoat everything and expect people to shut up/sugarcoar, to be sure no offensive topic/behaviour will occur... no thanks!). While, as soon as we broaden our horizons and get out of these small groups.. we don't have any control anymore. I'm flabbergasted to see some people on the Internet, who apparently thinks they are entitled to be treated by the whole world the same way that their small closed social group is treating them.

[SleepingPoppy]

limiting people's speech, and actions, to insure nothing is done to offend...OR have an expectation that people should learn to process being offended/insulted better?

I think we should both expect people to process being offended, and process if they are behaving in an offensive way. Limiting someone from responding to something they find offensive is also limiting speech and actions. Which doesn't mean we should tolerate people getting offended at the drop of the hat and tip toe around every little thing any more than we should let offensive behavior go unquestioned.

Or something like that. I'm sleepy.

[skicoak]

I think we should both expect people to process being offended, and process if they are behaving in an offensive way.

There's going to be no balance in that because you're asking a culture/community as a whole to define, agree and weigh what is offensive to each individual.

As an individual I can determine what I find potentially offensive but when you ask the individual to champion/reject what others find offensive ...that's iffy ground.

It's not the same as agreeing to equal rights and protections for all. It's too fluid and tied to cultural events and emotional triggers.

The name KAREN is currently a potentially offensive insult to some. How do you balance that ?

[Jenny-Toons]

The name KAREN is currently a potentially offensive insult to some. How do you balance that ?

I mean, that's an exact example of someone going over the top. Because to compare Karen to a slur like the n-word is ridiculous. When you look at the context behind both (one criticizing how someone acts entitled over meaningless situations vs one that has historically been used to opposed a group), they're not on even ground.

For me, it's all about context and experience. You can't expect everyone to pick and choose what's offensive and what's not. But you can learn how to understand the context of a situation and react accordingly, and I feel that's something anyone can do, regardless of your background.

[vothnthorvaldson]

Absolutely, understanding context is what's important. But no one has the knowledge and experience to understand EVERY context. That's why we need to keep a bit of distance. When offended, we need to ask ourselves, is it a real offense, or something I don't understand yet? It also helps us to grow as individuals. There is so much more to learn by trying to understand the intent, and why something is delivered the way it was, than by getting offended as a 'default setting'.