Story Description Help

[shysong]

Hi, mintea here, I'm new here. Nice to meet you all!
I've read some threads wherein writers asked for help about their story descriptions. So I decided to try my luck here and asked for help too.
It's really hard writing a good description for my stories.
Let me know your suggestions and advice for my story descriptions on how to improve them.
Also, I'm curious to know, which among these stories has the best title and has the most interesting story description?

Thank you so much!

Erase

A tragic accident resulted for Gab to be in a coma. His classmates who were mean to him, tries to renew their friendship. Can they mend and fix what's in the past?

Wallflower Boy

Arthur, a wallflower, a shy and an introvert, doesn’t know that fate leads him to a different path. That’s meeting the beautiful girl by the bus. He knows that he’s got to believe that destiny will lead the way. But will he ever see her again?

Spring Fling

Lynn didn’t expect that Ross, the most popular and hottest guy in school, will ask her to dance with him on Spring Fling. Knowing his bad reputation of being a heart breaker, she keeps avoiding him and prefers to stay away.

Slowly, Lynn sees the good side about Ross. He isn’t the bad guy everyone thinks he is.
Ross seems seriously in love with her, but is it all just a facade? Will she listen to what’s in her head or just follow her heart?

His Secret

Johnny, Sandra's new neighbor got her attention. Not only he’s hot, but by coincidence, they are classmates at school, and they’re in the same drama club. Plus, it couldn’t erase the fact that they’re neighbors! But he seems to be hiding something. Sandra decides she has to find a way to know his secret.

[Dysis]

Hey! Welcome to Tapas.

Here's the thing: When people read a blurb, they start predicting what they can expect inside the book (and most of the time, that's accurate).

You need to make them curious about it, enough to make them open the book. Or make them anticipate what's gonna happen by throwing in a heated incident in the blurb.

1. In Erase: As a reader, I predict that a few formerly mean friends are trying to mend their friendship with a comatose boy. It's sweet, but you already mentioned that his mean friends are going to become good so that kills the mystery.

2. Wallflower boy: A shy guy meets a jolly girl, and the mystery lingers whether they will end up together. Frankly, I was quite intrigued by this one. (Then again, I'm biased towards the shy guy jolly girl trope so don't mind me...)

3.Spring Fling: A normal girl meets the bad boy. The story becomes a little bit predictable here

If you want to make it interesting, read the blurb of Chasing Red by Isabella Ronin. Haven't read the story but that blurb was good.

4 His Secret: You mentioned the guy being a neighbour twice. He has a secret, sure, but simply telling me that he has a secret will not make me curious. If you further add something like: When women disappear every night from Jonny's apartment, Sandra is unable to keep things to herself. She sneaks in on her hot neighbour to investigate, but those screams and shrill cries in her quaint neighbourhood might hide more secrets than she can imagine...

Or something like that, you know? Gah, I couldn't build the mystery here, but I hope you get the idea.

[Jen-Jen]

Erase: Intriguing, but it's hard to tell if Gab is the main character, or the friends are. It's also a little wordy. Try moving it around a little, like: Classmates reconnect when an accident leaves young Gab in a coma. Can they mend their friendships, or is what's in the past broken forever?

Wallflower Boy: This one shows off the story's theme of fate, and the main character's personality, well. It's also a little wordy, though. Try to cut out repeated ideas, like Arthur's shyness and fate forging a path. For example: Arthur, a true wallflower, meets a beautiful girl by the bus. He knows he's got to believe that destiny will lead him back to her, but he has his doubts.

Spring Fling: Maybe this is personal preference, but I feel like this reveals a little too much. I also feel like it would be rude to rewrite all your descriptions, so I think two's enough, unless you say otherwise. Good use of rhetorical questions, by the way.

His Secret: This is the opposite of the last one. Again, good characterization: Sandra's clearly excited about getting to know Johnny. The description turned dramatically from romance to mystery, though, and while that can be very exciting within a story, when in a few sentence long description, it can be jarring and confusing. Maybe add a few words about why Sandra thinks Johnny's hiding something, or how serious the secret is (murder? cult leader? Gay?)

I was most intrigued by Erase. It sounds like the kids had something to do with the accident, and if they didn't, then I'd really like to know why a bunch of quasi-enemies suddenly want to be friends again.

Anyway, good luck to you! Have fun.

[Dysis]

Ah, you put a nice perspective to erase! It changed from slice of life-ish to something intense.

[domisotto]

The first question I am going to ask you is do you have any of those 4 stories completed or outlined? When I look at your descriptions, all of them focus on the inciting incident rather than on the story and the stakes that each of your MC faces, as well as the consequences of failure. So, I kindda wonder if you know how the story goes past the first few chapters? And that’s not a good thing in the summary.

[shysong]

Hi, Dysis, thank you for welcoming me to Tapas.

Thank you for your comments and suggestions about the blurb of Erase. I'll definitely remove that part so that there's a mystery.

Thank you for your comments about Wallflower Boy. I'm happy to know that you were intrigued by the blurb of Wallflower Boy.

I'll definitely read the blurb of Chasing Red to have an idea on how to make my blurb for Spring Fling more interesting.

Thank you for your suggestions for His Secret. Since I mentioned the guy being a neighbor twice, I'll remove one of them, so that it will be only be mentioned once in my blurb.
You're definitely good at building the mystery. Yes, I get the idea. I'll be revising this blurb again. Hopefully, I'll get it right this time.

Again, thank you so much for your help!

[Dysis]

You're welcome!

[shysong]

Hi, Jen-Jen,

Thank you for your comments about the blurb of Erase.
I like the rewrite you did for my blurb. It definitely improved.

Thank you for your comments about the blurb of Wallflower Boy. I definitely agree to cut out the repeated ideas.
The rewrite you did for my blurb is better than my original blurb.

For the blurb of Spring Fling, I don't mind if you try to rewrite it. I don't find it rude but rather helpful. I'll definitely incorporate some of the rewrites you make for the other blurbs and try to revise and edit my blurb to make it more intriguing.

Thank you for all your comments and suggestions for the blurb of His Secret. I'll keep them in mind as I revise and edit my blurb. If it's okay with you, you can rewrite it so that I could have an idea on how to fix my blurb.

Again, thank you so much for your help!

[shysong]

Hi, domisotto,

The four stories I've written, some of them are already completed and the others are ongoing. For the ongoing ones, I already write more than a few chapters. I'm already writing the middle of the story.

[domisotto]

If you have a good handle on your storyline, then try to work it in your blurb, to immediately give me the feel for what challenges the character is facing, what they must overcome and what are the consequences of failure. I know a lot of people are afraid to 'spoil' their plot, but if the blurb is backed up by strong narrative, it only creates faster and stronger engagement from the blurb. The wishy-washy, too generic description is less appealing to me, because I can't see how this particular story stands out and gives me the reasons to check it out.