Just overheard a guy talk racist shit about a Turkish family speaking Turkish. He went on and on and on about how things are getting oh so bad with all the foreigners in the country and why don't they speak German but oh if they're dealing drugs (KIDS. Little KIDS) they can't speak German right?? a
And I wish - I WISH - I'd had the courage to call my mum and chat in Bulgarian just to spite him (he stood right next to me too like what happened to social distancing??). But alas, I haven't spoken my own language in years and don't have much of an active vocabulary left.
I wish I could have approached him and said "do you speak English" with an Eastern European accent (I have a slight accent anyway, I'm sure I could have worked with that) and then gone through every language I know at least a few words of except German. Parlez-vous francais? Habla español? Italiano? Polski? Beszél ön magyarul? I should learn some Turkish. Sorry no Deutsch. Just to annoy him.
I could have cussed him out in French. I know a couple of lovely French words that describe him perfectly. Actually I could've insulted him in at least 3 languages, not counting German.
Don't mind me I was on the verge of a panic attack because I was feeling sick and dizzy before this happened and now I'm just screaming into the void because the anger is suppressing the fear and raising my blood pressure enough to feel less under the weather. I need to hold on to that anger.
This day is going great.
I need to write a 20-page review about dysregulated arousal in psychosis and its implications or cognition in ... 12 days. I also have ADHD so I started doing the necessary reading a few days ago and barely managed to read a paper a day. Today I finally got a burst of motivation after discussing the topic with my mum and finding out I actually know a great deal and have a structure in mind but there's some things that I need to read more about to fill in some gaps and ofc I need more sources. So I started reading a review about LC activity and cognition, which I already know a thing or two about because I'd been studying arousal/LC activity and its role in decision-making. I went into it feeling motivated, I was interested in the paper, reading it was fun, and I retained ... nothing. I tried to summarise what I'd read, or at least talk about a few important points I'd read afterwards. Nothing. My memory was wiped clean. I spent HOURS reading this thing, and those hours are wasted. And I need to do a lot more reading and then write those 20 pages too.
But it gets worse. I vented about it to a friend, and her first response was "dw that's normal you need to read papers more than once all people need that :)))"
And then when she offered advice it was
1) You need more time (impossible, can't extend the deadline),
2) You need ADHD meds (impossible, I don't have an official diagnosis yet because the healthcare system is shit and impossible to navigate)
3) Take breaks in between and reward yourself if the reading doesn't give you dopamine (that's not the problem in this case, and also that approach doesn't work for me because it takes me ages to transition between tasks so I'd be wasting more time if I reward myself every hour, also I was started to hyperfixate on my topic and enjoy it so that's not the main issue)
4) shit
That same friend lives in a fucking fantasy world where everything is possible and everything is fine and you're always rewarded for your effort and your best is always good enough and people will always be understanding and there's a solution to every problem. And she's not the only one. I love how 90% of all advice is either the most obvious thing imaginable or "just be neurotypical" or "the world will adapt to you and things will work out if you just try hard enough" or "just believe that things will be good and then things will be good" and when they're presented with the cold harsh reality that that's not always the case it's always your fault, you just didn't try hard enough, you just didn't try everything.
I'm rereading the fucking paper now. Wasted an entire day on it. Because my stupid fucking brain can't take in and retain information like a normal person. But suuuuuure that's normal don't worry it's normal to retain 0% all the time just extend the hard deadline it'll be fine.
My boy Killer here has a really interesting piece of backstory in Hopetale but I don't think anyone will ever see it because I can't make it fit in my main storyline but I don't want to tell it to anyone in case I do make it fit!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me trying to send an email to my professor 3 fucking times only to have poster master say "tHERE tOO biG tHEYRE oVER 25mg" BULLSHIT THEY WERENT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I have several different dark grays on my palate and I just lined Ink's face with one of those instead of black so now I have to do it all over again! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
It wouldn't even be that big a deal if it weren't the same shade as his eye sockets
Edit: And now I have a new problem in the form of how FREAKING PAINFUL IT IS TO TORMENT MY MC! But I need to do it or we won't have a time crunch!
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Here's what I'm talking about: