I said I wouldn't come back until I had a proper comic, but I don't think anyone cares if I stick to that so I'll just respond to this before I commit to that.
It is. I'm sorry for that. I didn't do it intentionally, but I should have known at the time that that was what this is. It's entitlement. No one ever had to respond to my post and I actually think no one should. I'm just going to let those threads die now and give up on a second beta reader. I already have a beta reader for free and that's far more than I deserve.
You're absolutely right. I am chronically online and I'm addicted. I'm stuck at home all day, and I don't have a car or friends, so I spend all day on the computer. And I let this habit translate into misuse of this forum which turns my prescience into this invasive thing when I just want to be a normal unremarkable part of this internet space.
I'm going to make it a rule to only use this forum once a week, and I'm going to stop using the internet to pass the time and start getting a life. I won't be back until I'm done with my comic, and until I manage my social media usage I'm only going to use social media on Fridays.
Yeah, I was very disrespectful. I have a bad habit of being like this. I sort of ignored the fact that people on the internet were just other people and didn't think about how they were feeling in these situations. I would have found me super annoying too, and would have wished I could have just blocked me. I hate that I asked how to get people to want to beta read my story, like I was entitled to a SECOND free beta reader somehow. As if I couldn't just fix my own writing.
I'm going to stop asking for large amounts of advice, I'm only going to ask if I genuinely cannot progress without an answer, which will probably be never. Not like literally can't progress but like if I can't continue without asking. So likely the only posts I'll be making will be updates on my comic.
I know you don't believe me and you might not ever believe me but I promise I have been getting better because of all this information. I saved it all on a google doc for a reason.
I have definitely been ungrateful and I've been trying to show more respect to these people by spending months compiling a list of advice, and I've definitely been obsessed with attention. I think it's because internet strangers are the closest things I have to friends in real life. Like I don't know the dude who sat next to me in biology class half as much as I know you. But that's not what this forum is for and not even how I've been using it. It hurts looking back at old posts and seeing people who don't like me anymore treating me normally, and seeing how I ruined that all by myself by not appreciating all the collective effort and patience that has gone into helping me when I didn't deserve it or need it.
Do you mean when I thanked you for telling me to practice? Because I was trying to be 100 percent sincere about that, I wasn't angry at all, I tried to get into practicing and I'm going to try again. I understand now why you interpreted it wrong, but I genuinely had no sarcasm or malice in what I said. I don't know if you believe me but I promise that was the absolute truth.
If you mean the post where you pointed out I was playing the victim, yeah that was accurate. I didn't intend to play the victim, if I knew I was I'd not have said what I did, but passive aggressive whining that you didn't like my shitty unfinished fantasy script because it was boring, that was objectively self-victimization. I'm not a victim, I'm a nuisance. I should
I admit I was 100 percent trying to make it so we were on good terms by having an interaction that was not me being stupid and you reading me for filth again. Like I wanted to make it clear without invading your space that I liked and respected you and didn't bear you any Ill will just because you accurately identified me as a shitty person who deserves no ones time or attention. I don't know why I thought that would work, though. Nothing I can really do can make up for how I've been behaving and how long it took for me to genuinely reflect and how long it's taken me to really understand the depth of my mistakes.
I'm sorry for doing that. I shouldn't have tried to contact you any way when I knew you were avoiding talking to me. I also should not have tried to offer you those twenty dollars. It was an ultimately performative alternative to actually holding myself accountable for my mistakes, that you never asked me to hold steady to. Also I don't have a job, so it wouldn't have even been my money I was spending, it would have been my moms.
But... they do. People do it all the time. They never stopped. Even though I don't deserve ANY responses and don't know why people keep doing this. And I'm not surprised that no one wanted to be my beta reader, I would probably hate myself if I had to beta read my own writing for myself and answer all my stupid questions. I don't know how indigo has lasted this long, or how I got anyone to do this for me.
I am going to make a promise now, I will not ask any more stupid follow up questions to any advice. If I understand it as it's written, great. If I don't, then I just do nothing about that. If I ever post on this forum again. I don't understand why I ever did that. I wish I could identify what was even in my brain when I did that, but I can't. I'm also not going to do any indirects, even if I never hear a coherent critique of my writing again.
I didn't realize. I thought it was me sticking to my guns by giving myself genuine consequences for failing you. I should have realized that for you this isn't some redemption narrative, you just met an annoying person on the internet who doesn't know when to stop.
I'm going to try to live with my status as a lost cause and just do what I'm doing and be better because that's what I'm supposed to do, rather than hoping you'll ever think I'm not a bad person. I'm sorry for every argument we've ever had, I was the problem when I said I practiced, when I tagged your criticism, even when I left for several months hoping to redeem myself by fixing everything, but did nothing of the sort.
I don't know if I made the right choice responding, but it's not that big a deal and I figured I'd rather explain myself.
So I'm going to make sure this kind of drama does not happen again around me like, like ever. In fact if it does I will delete my entire account just to make this stop. I'm going to ask to have this post unlisted now because it's a waste of everyone's time.