Wednesday Ash Webcomic Reviews [status: OPEN / New CLOVERLINES!]

[WednesdayAsh]

Critique of
Alokparna Sen and Kaushani Majumder's
"Alliance"

Style is mostly lost on amateur webcomics.

Most adhere to what is tried and true (anime style, american superhero style), so it is with such delight to find an earnest original attempt at style such as Sen and Majumder's "Alliance". Adopting a sort of watercolor meets scrapbook meets storybook style, Alliance is a charming thing to look at once you get past the weird lettering and an sloppy coloring.

The story however is too vague to judge, I find it hard to care about the characters on display. There's two ways to do this up the stakes, or up the charm. Charm you have in form of style, but the characters themselves has to be relatable, alternatively drop rocks on them.

I hope something happens soon in Alliance, if not it's just something pretty to look at.

Read Alliance: http://tapastic.com/series/alliance

• Wednesday Ash

[WednesdayAsh]

Current status: OPEN [for 3 submissions]

[Marvin]

Whoop !!

Type: Arc
Webcomic name: Humor Me
Creative team: Just Me
Link to series: http://tapastic.com/series/Humor-me
Which pages / which gag: Either chap one or two as you wish (or both, ahah)
Other: Would love to have your thoughts on the way I introduce things and characters and if I give too little info, if it takes too long for the story to start or anything else you might find !

Thaaaaaaanks !

[TheQotfo]

Thanks for the review Will keep in mind the points you discussed.

Also, could you change the spelling of my name in the critique heading. It is Kaushani.

Thanks again for taking the time!

[WednesdayAsh]

Ha ha ill edit that fir sure

[phen]

Yes, thank you so much for all the feedback! I will absolutely keep my eye on compressing less important events now. I didn't at all realise how I can get hung up on the details and dedicate too much energy to those tiny things -- reading back through that diagnostic, I'm dying. It is needlessly meandering! Having Poe Dameron and Fin's relationship established in roughly 4 pages is a brilliant parallel, must examine that further.

Again, all my gratitude for your feedback. I deeply appreciate your time! Cheers!

[joannekwan]

Thanks for the critique! I can definitely see where you're coming from.

I call it an "atypical ghost story" mostly because it's not a ghost story at all, rather 3/4ths of the main cast are either dead and ghosts or a supernatural entity. (I'm terrible with series descriptions) It's mostly a drama about the lives/afterlives of four characters. The plot gets a little more complex after the first chapter, and will really hit its height in the 3rd and 4th chapters.
I apologize if the first chapter is a little misleading. ^^;
It may seem disjointed since Ian's chapter was originally supposed to be a stand-alone short, but I wove a more elaborate story on top of that.

As for the art style, I'm glad you brought up Persepolis and I agree with you how the style serves its narrative. For mine, I chose strictly black and white mostly to challenge myself in working with contrast and panel composition. Also I was thinking back to old comic strips such as the ones done by Winsor McCay as half of the cast are from the turn of the century.

All in all, I will keep your points in mind when creating new material. Thanks again!

[whydocowsfall]

Type: arc
Webcomic name: Polyphemus
Creative team: I both write and illustrate it ^-^
Link to series: here
Which pages / which gag: As many as possible ideally, but I guess later ones if you're only doing some of them, as those are probably better representations of my current work (:
Other: thank you so much! ^-^

[hannahmcgill]

Hey! Your comic is really nice. I'm drawn to the exotic clothing design and the layouts are incredibly dynamic. If you wanted something to work on (?) maybe consider being a little more experimental, or abstract, or artsy with color choices. But that's like super nitpicky, your comic is really sweet and has very strong art and storytelling chops. I'm glad you started this thread because I love to find comics like this.

Type: Gag
Webcomic name: RAWR! Dinosaur Friends
Creative team: Single creator
Link to series: Tapastic | Homepage
Which pages / which gag: Truckin'
Other: This gag that I've highlighted is popular and I'm trying to deconstruct why it works, so I can apply themes from it to other comics in the future. Also happy to hear pointers on spotting tangents or improving presentation.

[WednesdayAsh]

Status: CLOSED pending critiques

[WednesdayAsh]

Critique of
Marvin's
"Humor Me"
Chapter 1

At first glance "Humor Me" might read a tad cliche'd: Poor protag charms his way through high school with all the trappings of that sort of story. Whiny protagonist, doting mother figure, taller Aryan and ignorant female antagonist. But where the base material is a bit stale, its execution is solid. And that might provide the momentum "Humor Me" needs as Mr. Marvin develops his writing chops.

The actual material of the writing isn't very good and relies on an understanding of tropes and for the readers to buy into a world that pretty much doesn't exist despite it's realistic depiction. Myself, I'm not familiar with a high school that is also a university, also a university that only has one gate of entrance? It seems like the writer is trying to put in Japanese tropes into a European/American mish-mashed setting and its just jarring. (if there is such a university, it deserves some more narrative explanation on why that is, cause it is certainly unique).

There is value in execution however. What do I mean? I mean the paneling, the flow of the narrative bubbles, continuity, the art it self. There are no extra story elements that take me out, its all just setting and problems with overuse of cliches.

But there is still hope for Mr. Marvin's "Humor Me" yet.

Once upon a time an editor for Millarworld said to my me , and a couple of writers on their forum, "If you think you are the first one to come up with a story where Hit-Girl murders pedophiles on his dad's birthday, you'd be sorely mistaken [...] It doesn't really matter tho, we are looking for execution." Marvin's "Humor Me" is very classical in its plot, "poor boy struggles against rich with wit and charm", but the execution shows class.

The writing should catch up soon, I hope.

Read: Humor Me http://tapastic.com/series/Humor-me

• Wednesday Ash

[WednesdayAsh]

Critique of
Annabel's
"Polyphemus"
(Aug-Nov run)

You know how there's a bunch of Hollywood reboots of old stories like Exodus, Clash of the Titans, and a myriad of other whitewashed movies made to make money. And they all have a very Hollywood way of going about it. Center on a protagonist, establish they mythic goal, shoehorn a love interest, put a lot of Joseph Cambell in there. Mythological purists might decry this, my ex-girlfriend sure has, but there's a reason for all of that.

It's get mythological dummies like me to actually care a little about what's going on on the screen.

At the moment Polyphemus is content to depict the source material as is in a "this is what happened filtered through my art style". I found this to be completly unsatisfying, driven to continue reading not by genuine curiosity but a death march to see if this goes anywhere (it hasn't).

There's no hook, no inciting incident, the art is servicable but does nothing to enhance the content. For the moment it really just looks like stand-alone competent drawings featuring mythological creatures that happens to have speech bubbles in them.

J.J. Abrams is famous (or infamous) for his "mystery boxes" and applying them to known properties like Star Trek and Star Wars. Every frame of his films, for good or ill, serve to set up the next reveal. Something is clouded one scene, revealed in the next, but something else is clouded. While this does not a good plot make, it does serve as momentum for the viewer to stay engaged...

And to be honest that's rule number #1 in any modern storytelling...

Engage the audience!

Read: Polyphemus http://tapastic.com/series/Polyphemus

• Wednesday Ash

[Marvin]

Thanks for taking the time to review =)

Maybe I shouldn't have asked for the first chapter because it's a lot more cliché than the second which helps taking them down a bit... The story is mainly set out of school, and about Charlie's relationship with her little brother.
So I'm not too worried about those clichés since I aknowledge them and have plans to tear them down or play with them later. (Though I admit I don't know who you're refering to when you talk about a "doting parent")

But what you said about the school was interesting. I have absolutely no intention to bring in Japanese elements since I'm pretty ignorant of their culture and have never been there but I grew up in a school in France that had every levels on the same grounds from preschool to end of high and there are some college who have an high school on the same ground that is supposed to guaranty you a place in the college part. So that's definitely European

Thanks for the nice comments about the execution, I'm glad you like the flow and panelling. As for your quick description of my story, ("poor boy struggles against rich with wit and class") it has nothing to do with the actual plot, but if it's the impression the first chap gave you, then there's nothing I can say =D (though it feels a bit like you were trying to link the few elements you had with an actual trope to feel on familiar ground - which is perfectly normal - )

Anyway, thanks again for taking the time to review, I'll keep those in mind !
Have a good day !

[WednesdayAsh]

If I was your editor, reading yr competent first chapter, and I ask you about the second chapter onwards and you said...

The story is mainly set out of school, and about Charlie's relationship with her little brother.

*spits coffee on desk
"WHAT?!"

I clean myself up and say...

Then you should have started the whole thing out of school, maybe a Sunday outing with her little brother. Maybe a couple of snapshots of school, but definitely don't start it in school like you did. I'd be very disappointed if i didnt get to find out what happens with aryan blonde and that girl thats giving him trouble in chap 1...

have absolutely no intention to bring in Japanese elements since I'm pretty ignorant of their culture and have never been there but I grew up in a school in France that had every levels on the same grounds from preschool to end of high and there are some college who have an high school on the same ground that is supposed to guaranty you a place in the college part.

Well its interesting that you say that because, being late for the gate is very much a staple of Japanese high school fiction and the girl was reading pretty shojo heavy stuff in class. I just assumed it was leaning Japanese there. Plus no where in the text does it say "France", which might actually ground your story to a familiar researchable place. "Hillgate" sounds like something from American fiction, perhaps a more french-y name would serve your story better.

"poor boy struggles against rich with wit and class"

To be honest, the poor characterization comes from the following elements:

1. He's late for class (poor in time management)
2. He's short (compared to aryan dude, hence poor in physical stature)
3. He doesn't know where his classroom is (poor in self awareness)
4. "Crawled out of a burrow" (poor in grooming)
5. He's on scholarship (traditionally only the financially hamstrung would rely on a scholarship, hence he's poor financially as well)
6. He refers to a peer as "queen" (poor in social standing)
7. "Can you be more boring" (poor in interesting attributes, at least to the girls in this universe)
8. "He's james hartford" (poor in social awarness)
9. He's busy allocating funds to survive "Damn its gonna be tough this month" (poor financially again)
10. Part time job, see above
11. "You cant afford it" again see above.

You've expertly, or coincidentally, characterized your protagonist as down-on-his luck and sympathetic! Why would you not build on that?!

So there's at least 11 elements in 17 pages that suggest that the primary attribute to your protagonist is lack, which is great! of there's lack, there's much to gain. To be honest, how he makes up for his lack (and how you execute that story) is going to be inherently interesting to most readers.

The class comment comes from the awesome cover! There's the example, there's your protaginist practicing that example and a less impressed young-ling, that's awesome!

My advice to you is that flesh out this weird (to most) high school uni drama, cause it seems like from an editors stand point, you're going to drive the future on the series to something less accessible that what you have already spent 17 pages interestingly and painstakingly set up.

Remember, if your protagonist is struggling against something bigger (high school class bullshit in a super snobby part of france no less), momentum and payoff will be much more satisfying than just exploring the mundanities of taking care of a little sibling. You are going to divert the attention from what is inherently interesting!

I'm all in for the high school drama, i do not know anything about this little brother you're talking about.

[WednesdayAsh]

------------------------SPOILER ALERT FOR MARVIN'S HUMOR ME----------------------------------------

I read chapter 2, and got to the gender reveal.

It came out completely from left field, unless you made the school from chapter one all boys, or there's some weird set up that Charlie just had to be a boy in public, but really a girl.

This is what i meant by writing chops, if you wrote better, a twist would shock, but the second reaction would ooooh should have known all along... i didn't get that second reaction.

Just the shock, which reminds me of Kieron Gillen's "The Wicked + The Divine"

------------------------SPOILER ALERT FOR Kieron Gillen's "The Wicked + The Divine"!!!!---------------------------------------

------------------------SPOILER ALERT FOR Kieron Gillen's "The Wicked + The Divine"!!!!---------------------------------------

------------------------SPOILER ALERT FOR Kieron Gillen's "The Wicked + The Divine"!!!!---------------------------------------

------------------------SPOILER ALERT FOR Kieron Gillen's "The Wicked + The Divine"!!!!---------------------------------------

------------------------SPOILER ALERT FOR Kieron Gillen's "The Wicked + The Divine"!!!!---------------------------------------

They off the protagonist in issue 11. Killed her dead. Stone dead, heads off shoulders, shower of blood, her family iced too. Almost apropos of nothing. ALMOST.

It's actually set up quite nicely, and while it is a bitter pill to swallow, some readers chose to continue on with the series...I have dropped it from my pull list.

While the gender twist is great drama fodder, its not set up well. Maybe a scene where he/she wants to go to the bathroom but nonchalantly enters the girls room, (really depends on how you wanna play his androgyny).

A note on twists, you now have made your series almost entirely about this now by the way. So unless you wanna disappoint a lot of readers, adress this quickly. If you want this series about sibling relationships instead of gender identity, maybe have some people react deadpan to his sexual identity. It now really depends on what your story focus is going to be. Is it about the brother sister relationship, the gender identity question or high school uni drama?

If you have any aspirations on casting a wider net than your currently ample already batch of subscibers on Humor Me, tightening the focus will keep the readers from having to have to juggle too many things (while juggling an enormous reading list of other webcomics).

Just some additional notes there

[WednesdayAsh]

Critique of
Hannah McGill's
"RAWR! Dinosaur Friends"
episode "Truckin'"

Finally another gag review!

Science comics are something I love, they educate as well as make you laugh. What a noble cause The best science comics achieve this by somehow on first glance upload the laughs AND the knowledge in one snap of realization.

"Truckin'" does that. Of course it takes a degree of knowledge to get that snap but once you do you get it. It has to do with continuity. The Horseshoe Crab is depicted swimming from left to right, small to big consistantly as the era's change. You see this technique a lot in modern comedies to whizz past a boring day in a fun way, the work of Edgar Wright does this a lot, think about the beer filling scene in "At World's End". Continuity in the face of jarring background change is bound to tickle at least some sort of engagement.

The ending is pitch perfect with the "Truckin'" line, which breaks the wordless streak of the comic. Which is a good way to end. The break is also inherently baked into the concept of The Horseshoe Crab survives all. So that is certainly a contributing factor.

So tl:dr: Continuity and Appropriate Break to End.

Read RAWR! Dinosaur Comics
http://tapastic.com/episode/210581

• Wednesday Ash

[Marvin]

Wow, thanks for the answers, and so detailed too ! I don't want to take too much of your time, you've given me plenty already (and that's not fair to the others) but I'll still answer your last points.

The main mistake I did was to ask for a review before the end of chapter 3 I think. Because I consider the first three chapters the whole intro to the comic. Maybe that's too long but the story will be long too....

I shouldn't have said that the story was mainly about her relationship with her brother, it was reductive. But it's a long slow paced story about her life and the way she interacts with people. So her brother takes the most place but it's also about her life at school, her lack of social skills but ending up making friends, her lack of parental figures, her financial struggles, and finding a love interest.
So yeah, that's a lot but it's a slice-of-life story so I guess it fits. And all is driven by a plot so it's not just a serie of little sketches.
I felt like fitting everything in the first chapter would have felt rushed and wouldn't have reflected the pace of the comic.
So Louis and Lisa ("aryan blonde" and "that girl") will come up again and have some character developement, don't worry.
But maybe you're right, and I am trying to fit too much... I'll ask around, it's my first story so I really need as much feedback as I can get =D

no where in the text does it say "France", which might actually ground your story to a familiar researchable place.

The story isn't set in France, I'm setting it in England but it's not really important, it just has to feel European (like those disney movies that don't have a definite country but still have a certain ambiance to them). As for the japanese elements, since you were talking about the school's structure, I assumed you were talking about bringing japanese culture and school system into an European setting, not about manga clichés (like being late as an intro, reading shojos etc). Then we agree, I do use some shojos and drama tropes, yeah =)

As for the "poor boy struggles against rich with wit and class" the "poor" part was right, but I don't want her to come of as a "whiney" character, "struggling" against the rich and she's isn't supposed to have any "class". Seems like I failed in that aspect =P But you're right, she lacks money and social skills and there will definitely be something to gain in that area for the protag to go from A to B.

I read chapter 2, and got to the gender reveal.

It came out completely from left field

It's still part of the intro, I even say "she" in the comic's description so it's not supposed to come as a major plot twist or anything. But to really feel like an intro and make it part of the premise of the story, I should probably have made it more obvious sooner.

If you have any aspirations on casting a wider net than your currently ample already batch of subscibers on Humor Me

My only ambition is to get better at telling stories, I'm already really happy with my subscribers, they're the best !

THAT BEING SAID I just wanted to clarify those points now that you've brought them up but the mere fact that I had to justify my choices and story elements means that I failed to convey them properly so thanks for pointing all that out !

[WednesdayAsh]

Id like to say the best of luck for humor me man! Youll find the best writers can squuze as much as possible in limited space through a combination of backgrounds dialogue allusions allegory paralels and such. Every part of yr panel contributes to yr story so think about that everytime you find yr self just making a talking head

Love the series so far

[Marvin]

Thanks ! Good luck with yours too !

[Waterdrain]

Oh! it would be awesome if you could look over what I've done!8D

Type: Arc
Webcomic name: Hobo story
Creative team: Waterdrain
Link to series: Hobo Story
Which pages: Chapter's 1- 2
Other: the text does change over time and my grammar isn't the best