LYRICS:
VERSE 1
Woah! If it isnât a Lightner!
Hey hey hey!
Look like youâre [[all alone on a late night?]]
All your friends [[abandoned you for the slime]] you are?
Sales gone down the [[drain]] [[drain]]?
Living in a ******* garbage can?!
Haeahaeahaeahaeah!
Friend, either you're [[closing your eyes]]
To [[savings]] you do not wish to acknowledge
Or you are not aware of the calibre of [[discounts]]
Indicated by the presence of a [[heart shaped object]]
In your community
Hey kid, look at you! Right time, right place
[[Ripe for the picking]] Right money in your pocket!
Youâre so lucky! Very lucky! Oh so very very lucky!
That you get to be investing in this [[Very Special Product]]
From everybodyâs favorite [[number 1 rated salesman]]
[[Circa 1997]] Mighty proud to say it! Mighty proud to say it!
Yes Iâm mighty proud to say it! [[Yes sir]]!
Donât you want to have a little fun [[little sponge]]??
Little something to pluck you from the glum humdrum???
Live comfortably [[capital at risk]] [[yum yum]]
Listen up! For the offer only comes just once!
[[Hey chum!]] I can see youâre having violent thoughts
But donât you wanna wanna be a be a [[big shot!]]
[[Enquire today!]] While the secretâs in stock!
All you gotta do is
[[Hyperlink blocked]]
I used to be nothing but the email guy
Now Iâm the [[It burns! Ow! Stop! Help me! It burns!]] guy!
CHORUS
Weâve got never bettered bargains, weâve got deals you wonât believe
We can tell you what you want before you realise what you need
If youâll pardon us the jargon hereâs our Darkner guarantee
We take cash or card or credit, but weâll take your heart for free
VERSE 2
[[Are you feeling down?]] [[Have you lost control?]]
[[Is your life a mess?]] [[Do your friends despise you?!]]
Well hereâs [[one weird trick discovered by a mom]]
And Iâm sure [[number 5 will surprise you!]]
All youâve ever dreamed of, shining, glistening!
Gotta buckle up! Grab life by the [[silly string]]!
You can have it! You can have it! Say the word, itâs yours!
Eahaehaehaehaeh! I wasnât listening
See it says just here, right here, last year
On the third of the fourth at five-o-six
You searched cat pics online [[well thatâs just fine]]!
[[Moist, delicious cookies]]
Little tippy tap kitty catalyst
Now we have a list
And weâll guess what every habit is
Wanna buy a cat flap? Cat food? Catchup? Catamaran?
Youâll be categorically catatonic
At the catalogue of categories I have at my hands
A [[cavalcade of all your favorite brands]]
An advertism schism cataclysm [[cash on demand]]!
Youâd better cancel your plans
[[Cash for the crackers and the pickles and the flypaper]]!
Wanna buy a cat plush? Plush toy? Toy box? Box wine?
Why wonât Mike just call me backgammon?
Ham and eggs? Egg chair? Chair bed?
Bed bath? Bath sponge?
Sponge who hates its [[$4.99]] life boat?
Boat shoe? Shoestring? String bean?
Bean bag? Bagpipes? Pipe bomb? Bomber jacket?
Jackdaw? Doorstop?
[[Stop! No, please! Donât take my furniture!]] Stopwatch?
Watchdog? Dog collar? Colorado?
Adderall? Ads are all seeping
Ping pong? Ponchos?
Choke chains? Chainsaws?
Swordfish-shish kebab-bobcat?
[[Do you want a cat or not?!]]
Well you wanna be a [[big shot!]] donât you?
Donât you wanna be the [[next big thing]]?
You can do it! Yes itâs true itâs really true
Thereâs nothing to it, I can prove it
Hear the registers ring!
Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring.
Youâre kidding? Itâs for you
[[Garbage noise]] Wanna know a secret�
[[Hyperlink blocked]]
[[You too can]] have a [[communion]] with [[unintelligible laughter]]
Soon Iâll even surpass that ****** [[clown around town!]]
CHORUS
Weâve got never bettered bargains, weâve got deals you wonât believe
We can tell you what you want before you realise what you need
If youâll pardon us the jargon hereâs our Darkner guarantee
We take cash or card or credit, but weâll take your heart for free
VERSE 3
Holy [[cungadero]] there you [[funky]] little [[worm]]
You seem unaware of all the money you could earn
If you wanna get the gold
Well there is stuff you gotta learn
Milk the humans of their kindness
Then thereâs [[butter to be churned]]
You. Want. It. Need. It.
Donât. You. See?
But if you wanna make your screen green
Youâre gonna need my Kromer key
Yes youâve got trouble my friend [[whadayatalk?]]
Right here in Cyber City!
See I used to be a [[top notch]] [[big shot!]]
Best deals! Best wheels! Best [[best prices in the tri-state area]]
But you can get it back! Ha ha ha! Yes you can!
All you gotta do is follow through my [[twelve step plan]]
Bigger, bigger, better like the telephone was telling me
[[You gotta know the territory!]] Spend a hand, lend a grand
Whoâs gonna patronize a little bitty
Two by four kinda store anymore?
Gotta go! Gotta get! Gotta get on and go!
Make a deal! [[Big deal]] [[High score!]] [[Our store is closing]]
Hot tip! Drop shipping! 4, 3, 2, 1!
Not skipping offers wired into your inbox
Swing by the gift shop! Think of the [[big shot!]]
All this and more, click
[[Hyperlink blocked]]
Can anyone hear me?
HelpâŚ
MikeâŚ
Mike?
CHORUS
Weâve got never bettered bargains, weâve got deals you wonât believe
We can tell you what you want before you realise what you need
If youâll pardon us the jargon hereâs our Darkner guarantee
We take cash or card or credit, but weâll take your heart for free
VERSE 4
[[Insurance!]] Know that Iâm the best in policy!
[[Honestly]] do you want to end in poverty?
Buddy, Iâm the one to help invest it properly!
Iâm here to talk about [[extended warranty]]!
Itâs a super, bumper, liquidation, last chance
First day, half price, fire sale like never before!
And itâs there to explore, when you step in the door
The very model of a modern major general store!
But the fact is everybodyâs gotta have it, gotta have it
Those who have it really have it
If you havenât, well youâve had it, couldnât hack it
Now the havenâts havenât had it and the haves are very glad its
Just the havenâts thatâre lacking what theyâre having
Now the ads have got the traffic
And weâve grabbed your demographic
So youâre packing up your basket
Cos your dad has gotta have it
Heâll be sad if you donât wrap it with a tag, itâll be tragic
So youâre manically grabbing at the shelves amid the panic
Seems that everybody has it, man you really gotta have it
So you get it, youâre ecstatic, but a crackle in the static
And the it is out of fashion, just a fad, a piece of plastic
So you trash it then you get back into your car cos you donât have it
And the fact is everybodyâs gotta have it, gotta have it
Those who have it really have it
If you havenât, well youâve had it, couldnât hack it
Now the havenâts havenât had it and the hads are very glad its
[[Hochi mama]] what a mouthful!
In the [[encyclopedia of]] [[being afraid]]
There ainât nothing to be scared of till thereâs fees to be paid
Thereâs deals to be made with [[seasonal savings]]!
Regional ratings are lethally fading
Screaming and raving, ceaseless appraising
[Neat little plate with a needless engraving]
Legally grey but sweet with the phrasing
Feet in the grave but gleefully trading
Feeding the cravings, eat [[little plaything]]
Deal so good Iâll [$!$$] myself
Feeding the cravings, eat [[little plaything]]
[Gone with the sugar barrel, pickle barrel, milk pan]
Feeding the cravings, eat [[little plaything]]
I can feel that [smooth taste] already!
Feeding the cravings, eat [[little plaything]]
[[Hyperlink blocked]]
Eventually, I'll add my thoughts on the lyrics, for right now just enjoy this masterpiece.