What are your honest thoughts on my rough draft?

[dsptss78]

I made this a long time ago when I was interested in writing a novel. Although I haven't gone back to it in years. I'll probably pick it back up after I finish my comic series. The story is a supernatural horror and Im curious if anyone would find it interesting if I decided to continue it. Here's the first page of chapter one, it's a rough draft so it's far from perfect and it ends in a cliff hanger.

Chapter One: The Legend

My friends and I decided to explore the woods near our neighborhood usually on the weekends. However, our parents warned us about the suspicious activities going on in the woods. I never quite grasp the concept of how one day kids can go play in the woods without supervision and then vanish randomly. Maybe if the parents weren't idiots there wouldn't be any missing kids. Having heard my mom go on a rant on how we should be safe and how we shouldn't go off at night to the woods I decided to sarcastically agree and depart from her presence. That same day I went on to text one of my friends, Jessica. I asked her which day she plans to start camping in the woods. She responded with two laughing emojis claiming Friday. Well honestly, in my opinion, Friday seems like a lame day to go camping but shit I have nothing else to do that Friday. Suddenly my eyes began to shutter like a flashing camera light and my hands began to falter like a mindless zombie. Before I could even regroup myself self I was engulfed by darkness. I found myself surrounded by dark mist contained in deep forestry. Surprisingly, my vision was quite clear despite the lack of light sources in my area. I was able to see every fine detail of every tree bark and the crumbling rocks ingrained into the bland soil. Despite being alone in a dark misty forest, I was still level-headed enough to observe pathways to help me escape the area. The only issue was that there were only two pathways but one is more rigid and narrow while the other is wide but darker. I held my breath and went with my intuition choosing the wide but darker path. At least by then, I have more room to run in case I get ambushed by some wild disease-carrying vermin. I took a couple of few steps into the pathway and I felt an aura of impending doom. Almost as if I'm walking into a trap, into the mouth of a beast. I walked approximately three meters until I heard a loud crunch noise a few feet away from me on my left side. I sharply turned to my left only to realize nothing was there. I felt my heart racing fast and I clenched my fist in fear. What could be lurking in the woods? Could it be a wild animal stalking me through the trees seeking to devour me? I stood still paralyzed by the butterflies rushing in my belly. Then suddenly a spark within me pushed me to run as fast as my legs can take me. I ran blindly forward following the pathway without thinking about bumping into a thing or object. Unfortunately, I tripped on a rock knocking my head on one of the tree stumps. For a few seconds, I was disorientated but a mysterious figure appeared to stand over me. I couldn't quite make out what it was due to everything being visually blurry. As my vision began to clear I notice a slim hooded individual with a white mask. My body froze in horror, I felt my throat tighten up to the point where I couldn't scream. The mysterious man stared at me with his bold dark brown eyes. He had no emotional reaction towards me and just stood still standing over my body like an overshadowing figure. I decided bravely to gradually get up but surprisingly he didn't react to my motion. Most people would be relieved but this was different, it's almost like he wanted me to get up. Is this a setup by the mysterious masked man? Is he going to attack me the minute I start to run? Fuck it, I'm just going to get my ass up and run like hell. As I stood up to the point of standing face to face with the man, he did not react and continued to stare at me. Then I ran as fast as my legs can take me hoping he doesn’t chase me. However, when I turn around to check I didn’t see him. Where could he have possibly gone?

[vapidink]

This reads more like an outline, to be honest. There's a lot going on in just one page of the first chapter when everything that happens could make an entire chapter. The problem is you're telling us a lot without showing us anything. Where's the dialogue? The descriptions? I don't know what the MC looks like or anything to make me care about them because there's no character building or set up.

Other than that, there's some odd phrasing, and dissonance in the tone. The narrator is supposed to be a teen, I'm guessing, but they don't sound like a teen.

I decided to sarcastically agree and depart from her presence.

A teen would probably not say "depart from her presence" unless they were joking, and it doesn't read that way.

I think it has potential. The things that are happening are interesting, but you need to add some meat to the bones for it to really be something. Build some tension and the encounter in the woods will be a lot more interesting. Show us the relationship between the MC and their mother and friend and we'll be more likely to root for them.

[dsptss78]

Thank you for your response and I 100 percent agree with you it's more of a concept than a fully fleshed-out story. I should've clarified earlier that this excerpt was a dream sequence to provide better context.

[vapidink]

Okay, but it doesn't read like a dream either. With dreams, the character who's dreaming wouldn't have these extraneous thoughts about people going missing in the woods, or the other thoughts that one wouldn't have during a dream.

It's also all very sequential. With dreams, things kinda just happen for no reason, unless it's a lucid dream, so the backstory and setup isn't necessary and doesn't quite work. There's also a lot going on in a single dream, and it feels like you're setting up why the MC is in the woods, but it's a dream, so you don't have to set anything up.

The MC going to the woods and seeing the masked guy there in a dream does seem more interesting, like they're being haunted and led there by the masked man.

[dsptss78]

@vapidink The dream sequence starts after she finished texting her friend Jessica. "Suddenly my eyes began to shutter like a flashing camera light and my hands began to falter like a mindless zombie." Prior to that the Mc was narrating her day and describing her routine.

She never went to the woods, she was planning on going there on Friday. I can see how you think she went to the woods since I never specified where she went after leaving her mom. The whole dream sequence was like a forced trance/vision of the masked man. It feels real but she's not actually there physically. Granted it's a rough draft and it's incomplete, so you don't really get the closure of her waking up or coming back to her senses. Thanks though for at least taking the time to read my post and sharing your critiques. I'll definitely keep them in mind if ever decided to pick this up again.

[Kaisei]

There's way too much going on there for the first page. When you fully flesh it out, you may find that this sequence of events is your entire first chapter or very nearly.

Right now, it's a wall of text. It needs some white space. Split it into readable paragraphs (ex: The start of the dream sequence should be a new paragraph). Also, take a look at other horror and thriller novels. Some of them use line breaks and white space to slow the action and create suspense.

IMO your protagonist is thinking too rationally and precisely for a dream (ex: "approximately three meters," "lack of light sources"). Someone dreaming might realize it's dark, but they probably won't look for potential sources of light. They tend to operate more on emotion and instinct than concrete, rational thought.

You have some good ideas. Keep chipping away at it.

A prof of mine once said that writing is like making a sculpture. You don't sculpt the perfect foot, then the perfect ankle. Instead, you carve the rough shape, then you start refining it until it slowly starts to look like a person, then you work on the details.

[dsptss78]

@Kaisei Thank you for responding and giving your input.