When do think sibling competitiveness crosses the line

Of course sibling "rivalry" can go awry. Unpleasant relationships between siblings can occur for any number of reasons, but I have definitely seen this one play out a lot. Seems to be some kind of variation of "golden child" and "scapegoat"-- though they're not always the same.

I don't think what I have to say on the topic is worth all that much since the whole family dynamic was a toxic cesspool. But ey, I do love a good oversharing yap session.

Can't say I ever really competed with my sibling, or at least I was never trying to. We were compared, of course, as most are, but it never mattered much to me-- perhaps because I was the "better" one from the outside looking in. I did get the better grades, had more friends, had my hobbies noticed (ie. got a painting in a gallery) when we were teens, so perhaps my brother felt that way. I can't speak for him and I can't ask him-- he's homeless and an addict now-a-days. But, he did outclass me in one thing growing up: how loud he could be and how much of a fuss he could kick up. Our mother did not care about right or wrong, whoever she could shut down and make shut up was always the wrong party. So he could get away with beating the shit outta me knowing full well if I said or did anything I'd just have to face my mother's wrath as well. Since screaming at me to shut up, be "mature", and take it was easier than getting him to stop. And perhaps I never felt high and mighty even with my accomplishments since I always had her screaming at me for being a "miserable bitch" who "ruined her life" and how I was "her biggest mistake/regret" so it was hard to feel better than the guy who was just called a brat and jackass and didn't get the "biggest regret" title, hah;

Point of all this being, I think a lot of sibling dynamics can rely on the adults around them. That is not always the case, of course, but it's something I think needs to be taken into account and looked at. Comparison is kind of hard to avoid, but good god can it really ruin people if leaned on too much.

Didn't really feel like competition. Stopped caring for the parents approval at a young age because both mom and dad were bad (both narcissists. Mom far worse).

What happened though... one of my brothers became the golden child and long story short, him and my other brother who always followed him like a dog... ended up hating me.

And today as grown men, they hate me while pretending to care (doing a terrible job pretending) while I'm indifferent to them.

Oh well...

Well, competition was not really it for me growing up, maybe because I was the bright child whose ambition was in the medical profession and who was likely going to make parents proud. Now, I wish that was different, I wish I had ditched classes, I wish I had gotten terrible grades, anything that wouldn’t make me feel like a trophy child. If that had been the case, my change would not be so disappointing. I left school, tired of the boring routine and stopped being the trophy child, most annoyingly, I don’t want to continue in the medical profession, my parents hated it, didn’t brag about me no more. I don’t give two shits about it, I want to write, and own a big farm, and write again. Sometimes, Momma makes jest of my writing, not like she reads it anyway, it’s crazy, family relationship could break you. But I’m not proving myself to nobody.

@remiquise I just wanted to let you know that I'm really sorry you had to go through that, and I understand a lot of what you've been through. =( You're probably the first other person I've seen point out that being the 'golden child' actually means nothing (if not completely backfires) when it starts to mean that you're the only one held to any sort of standard...and everyone else can treat you however they want, with no one ever bothering to stick up for you or protect you.

You just end up having to shoulder all the harshest criticism AND all the resentment from everyone who's not the 'golden child', and if you ever complain, no one will take you seriously because "you're the favorite; you don't have any REAL problems". People will see you visibly struggling and insist that you can handle it just like you handle everything else...because if they admit that maybe you can't; that maybe you're a real human being who needs support from the people around them, then they'd also have to admit that they might be expected to provide that support occasionally, which could potentially require effort and human compassion...!

No, no...it's much more convenient to just dehumanize you into a punching bag and a tool that they can use. And then act shocked when it turns out that you don't like being treated that way...why would anyone not like being the favorite??

...And that's all from me for today's oversharing session. ^^; I just hope everyone here realizes that toxic family dynamics have the potential to harm everyone, not just the typical 'scapegoat' children.

Your example of the twin rivalry reminded me of the story about the guy who wanted to test out the theory of nominative determinism. To do this he named his identical twin boys Winner and Loser respectively, expecting their names to define who they would become. Sucks for Loser, right? Well Loser actually defied his father's expectations and became a successful businessman, while Winner fell in with a bad crowd and didn't do so well, so it's nice to know that even if your parents set you up for failure and decide to experiment on you, you can still do well on your own and gain recognition from others, even if it's not from them.

On a more general note I know a few people who are their family's "designated black sheep" where they're actually explicitly used as a threat to their siblings like "don't misbehave or you'll end up like X". From what I've seen the other siblings have taken that to heart and now just blame every misdeed on X provoking them to do it because they know their parents will believe them, and copying parents by insulting X and putting them down. It's really hard to see and hard on the siblings in the X position, and they're also getting a fast pass to estrangement land once the X siblings have enough ressources to make it on their own and cut their families off. I'd say that's an extreme of when it goes too far, but it's not so much organic rivalry as manufactured by an abusive home situation.

Also I feel obliged to say: the siblings in the black sheep situation are adorable people, kind, gentle, polite, clean and very very apologetic if they even get a whiff of something being wrong. Two of them are being treated like Cinderella before the fairy godmother, they are grown adults in their twenties, not mouthy teenagers complaining about their allowance being cut.

I think all forms of competitiveness cross the line when competition becomes about proving you're better than someone as a whole instead of just being able to beat them in this instance. Rivalry/competitiveness can help you both improve if it's good natured (for instance, me and my siblings competing to see who can finish their chores first.) Other times it can just be a game (like me and my brothers having a push up competition, though, tbh, that also pushes us to do better.)

But it becomes unhealthy when you are just trying to belittle other people, whether you're siblings or not. I used to have this issue with my siblings, and I would always feel my need to compete with or compare myself to them, but fortunately, now I don't. Me and my siblings actually get along really well and they're my besties. I have younger siblings who are better than me at math and I ask them for help without thinking I shouldn't ask them for help because they're younger than me and I should be better than them. It's all about the reason why you want to compete, imao, but I'm sorry you went through that experience with your siblings.

It can end in lost live(s) for sure for the worst. Siblings have been murdering each other since Cain and Abel.

Gender also influences and exacerbate the treatment, in patriarchal societies it is often the male child that are made golden child.
I have heard so many stories about parents favouring male children over female ones, spoiling them rotten, tolerating them, and enabling whatever bad behaviour he has. When the male child inevitably messes up big, of course it's the female child who have to clean it up. Sometimes they cannot bring themselves to reject and resent the parents/brother/system because the values have been too ingrained.

I also have heard of people being the invisible sibling on purpose, they cannot stand the attention and expectations, and/or they cannot stand their parents.

Sometimes I want to see more from the perspective/focus of the "golden child." They are actually "mistreated" and "miseducated" too, but in different ways. People tend to root on and sympathise
with the "loser" more, so it's maybe unpopular.

I'm sorry so many here have toxic relations with family/siblings. My story is a bit different - and a little long, sry.

I won't lie, I had looked back on my childhood often and wondered if I was "the golden child". Least until my senior year, I was getting academic achievement awards and made good grades. I avoided making mistakes and did everything my parents wanted me to (well, maybe a moment or two of rebellion) My little sis, in my view, got more discipline for things, but I pitied her and whenever I was rewarded, I would always consider her and try to offer compliments or secret rewards to show she mattered too. There was still some competition between us, but nothing really toxic.

As an adult, I realize this perceived "golden child syndrome" might not have been true. My little sis was more extroverted and learned things in life that I've fallen behind on because I thought I needed to be perfect. When I failed my first college semester, it finally sunk in that I'm not perfect. I just cared about academic success, so I really hadn't learned much. Also, because of me being autistic, I might have gotten more positive attention from my parents bc I was sensitive. And I still am.

Not to compare, but my sister, to me, has a more full life than I atm. She can drive, has a job she loves, and has a family of her own, all without a college degree and I am so proud of her! She's also insanely talented with art, music and writing, but she is not able to explore her talents because of real life, so I try to encourage her. Meanwhile, I'm living sorta in a bubble, being the autistic sensitive sister, but enjoying my artistic "talents" and improving on them, despite my boring, anxiety-ridden life.

Guess what I'm saying is, we have reasons to envy each other a little, but unlike most siblings, we understand each others flaws and see each other equally despite the four year age gap and an ASD diagnosis. I may be dealing with an inferiority complex bc of how I've looked at my life and compared it to my awesome little sister, but that's more my fault (not hers nor my parents - they did their best) and I'm working on myself and not competing with my sister. I still look up to her for life things, as she always looked up to me for creative things. That is something we will treasure about each other, no matter which directions our lives take.

Competition/envy can sometimes be beneficial - helps you takes steps to improve yourself if you do it the right way, like my sissy. But don't let it control your life. You gotta live a little separate from family, if you can. I'll get there eventually, just may need more time.

EDIT: I just read DasIsWunderblyst's post mentioning the "invisible sibling" and that sounds more like my issue rn cause I can't stand alot of attention (well, except online, I'm building up confidence, lol). Also can't resent my parents bc of morals/values as well. Idk. Parents are a different topic. Might get back into therapy on that one.