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May 2022

I'm planning on doing a bit of revamping the first bits of my main story that people see so that I can draw in more readers. I've gained 3 subscribers since December, so I'm clearly doing something wrong.

So I'm redoing the cover, the thumbnail, and adding an ad banner. I also want to edit the first 3 episodes a bit, since those make up the first chapter on the google doc, but I actually want some sort of feedback before I start changing things with no reference for what works and what doesn't. You can tell me anything, I'll try my best to listen.

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    May '22
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    Jun '22
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I am not exactly sure how to put it lightly, but honestly, you MC is...kinda giving off creepy vibes. The first thing she notices about the person is either their boobs, or thinking about what will happen with another one being naked in a room full of men, immediately after that explaining her extreme attraction to someone she just met. I probably won't mind that if your novel would be obviously erotic, but it doesn't seem so, and that may be one of the factors that is turning some readers off.

Just as an initial reaction, the opening paragraphs are a little hard to get through. For one, the grammar is a little off and for two, the MC comes off a bit whiny. I mean, it's understandable, she is dying, but that doesn't keep her from sounding a little annoying.

In the first episode, the narrative is a little repetitive with the narrator saying the phrase "returned (or returning) to me" three times in succession and starting a series of sentences with "My."

And have to a agree with @Kelheor, she's a little creepy and I'm hoping (and assuming) this is brought up and addressed later. And it was a little confusing, since it seemed as though the perspectives were switched between Cherilyn and the girl who was summoned into the world. I thought it was the same person speaking, but I guess not?

The general idea behind her character was that she can get a bit too "attracted" to other people, and always winds up hating herself for it, thinking of herself as disgusting. Looking back on it, I think that I did do a bad job showing off that other side to her right away. Is there anyway you'd switch events around to show off that she doesn't like herself, and that I'm not just writing erotica?

Thanks in advance.

1 month later

closed Jun 12, '22

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