Welcome to Tapas! Sure, why not. I'll give this a go. I have some experience as a entry level freelance editor.
Giving this a quick read through, this is what I noticed:
1) Word choice:
I see this a couple instances of where some words don't really fit. For example:
Change subdivision to something different. I understand that it means a tract of land that's split up for housing, but it's more of a secondary definition and it takes thought to find that out. This is the first chapter so you want everything to go smoothly.
2) Connect your sentences and create a more logical flow.
I see this is a reoccurring problem as some of the sentences feel a bit disconnected. Here's an example:
Original: In a subdivision, I was walking home on a cold night. Which was astounding and the glistening moon made it better.
Redone: It was a cold night as I walked home, passing through the subdivision. Despite the chill, tonight was the most (astounding/exciting) night of my life, and the glistening moon made it all the better.
I understand the minimalistic style, as I also write in a similar writing style, but you need to have some sort of flow between the sentences. This is part of the necessities of a story.
3) Don't over explain.
You've already stated that the crush is next to the MC and that his name is James. Including "In short, my crush's name." is unecessary as it's just restating the obvious.
4) Flow of events:
Move the emotion "It almost pissed me off ....." after Jame's reaction: "My blood type is O...
Having it described 2 spaces below, after a response is given, seems out of place.
I see some places where the dialogue seems clunky. Try to keep it realistic and less "to the point", for instance, the mother just assumes that the daughter was bullied. It would be more realistic if she asked "what happened?" before asking "were you bullied?"
Also, during the text with James, there's a line "But, you lose if you weren't to convince me. How's that?" Ignoring the grammar and assuming that it could be slang, it technically gets the point across, but it isn't something that is commonly used.
Think about this for the other lines of dialogue as well. Play through some scenarios in your head before writing it down, or just get some reference material.
Interesting premise. It has potential, you just need to work on your storytelling and writing skills a bit. Once you do that, it will shine much more. Also, for the most part, your dialogue is decent as well. I think that you have potential there. The pacing was also pretty good, it got you hooked onto the first chapter, and I like how you included a countdown timer at the end of the chapter.
Anyways, if you want to check out my work, I got a excerpt series where me, and a bunch of other writers I commissioned, try to simulate a library in a fantasy world. (Feel free to join in if you want. I'm always looking to buy some fresh ideas.)
I also have a short story series (as a rough draft). Feel free to give your feedback on whatever. As a writer, I appreciate all types of feedback. (don't read short story 5. It is mostly a slice of life, however, it has hints of wholesome romance and BL. I keep my works PG-13 though, so if you really want to give it a shot, I promise you that the main focus is on the slice of life part.)
Genres/setting: fantasy, action, worldbuilding series set in a medieval steampunk world.