A different perspective on Confidence

[LCT_m_a_d]

skip the first 2 paragraphs for tldr;

When I was in HS a fellow athlete taught me a couple breakdance moves. In college I joined a crew which helped modeled my artistic expression. After a couple years doing shows on campus, I fell in love with all forms of dancing (line-dance, capoeira, ballet, salsa etc...).

I was at a party when some crowd favorites started playing. In fashion I was the first one to stand up and start hand dancing. Of course people in their chairs looked at me for 10 seconds. A few seconds later people started to get up and dance as well. This seems to happen all the time. I'm always the first on the dance floor. It's never not scary to me (you'd expect it gets customary over time), but there's a very real satisfaction that follows. Like I've done my most true responsibility.

tldr;
I've never boasted myself as a confident person in general. I've actually often been criticized for not projecting enough confidence or selling myself enough. With that said, I've never been afraid to actually do the work because "it's scary" or "too difficult". Whether id dancing, programming, or my art what I do seems to strike others as confidence.

I wouldn't say "courage is the key to manifesting confidence for everyone"
I think "acknowledging and identifying with my courage makes me confident with my choices"

Courage is my thing. I never found it in a self-help book, or by studying really hard. It's just is. Even posting this thread felt scary for me. But Maybe you'll join me on the dance floor.
Maybe your thing is the key to your confidence. What do you think it is for you?

[skicoak]

The key for me is usually just focusing on the fact I don't give a fuck what most of the people who are prone to judging me think.

I gotta be a peacock!

[MeltingCORE]

I feel like confidence for me is just simply being if that makes any sense. Just existing and being happy with who I am? I'm not sure if that makes much sense. But I don't think confidence is repeating out-loud how much you love yourself or how super-duper-happy you are all the time. That's just arrogant and fake. Which is why I've stepped back from websites that promote spreading a false version of your real self. coughFaceBook and it's assertion you must display a "picture perfect life"cough So, I guess... thinking while I'm typing: Confidence is the ability to display your true self and your real emotions!

I don't want to go too much into detail because personal but I wrote a comic years ago about my life experience until then. It was published anonymously and I presented it to my advanced drawing class in university. It was one of the most terrifying things I did because the comic discusses mental health which is ugly and nasty. That, to me, was actual belief in myself to throw this thing out into the world. To remove my artistic ego from it in hopes that it will continue to help people like me.

[LCT_m_a_d]

[skicoak]

Me: (Not giving a fuck about Michael Keaton's obvious slander about peacocks) Lol.

[Caro]

I'm actually really similar just in the way of dancing. For some reason, dancing has always been something I just DO. I'm not even particularly good at it (though my husband and friends would say otherwise-- they're just worse!). But yeah, my friends have seen me start up dance floors more times than I could count and it really is a good feeling.

Beyond that, I'm mega shy though. I think I've gotten really good at disguising it but to push myself a little more I JUST started trying to do open mic night at my local comedy place. That first night I did it apparently I did really good. I felt like my nerves kinda created a weird blackout event where I don't actually remember what the crowd response was like AT ALL or even remember what I said but the people running the event told me they didn't believe it was my first time and asked if I had done any other previous stage work.

I'm basically just trying to kinda exposure therapy myself with this because I've also been agoraphobic for years-- even now just walking my dog can send me into a panic. But I'm still trying! Until then the fake it til you make it mindset has been really realllly working for me and I will be going to my second open mic night next week!

[LCT_m_a_d]

I think there's this thing where confidence is almost sold as a brand. It has almost an accepted identity. Ironically I feel confidence is very personal and no 2 people experience life the same. So I think adopting confidence just doesn't work. I might relate to many of the things on mental health. It's gone from a place of true fear and danger to a source of true courage and dog in me.

I'll spare this thread of any opinions on social media (there's the other one). But part of it for me is using my facebook and instagram to share courage and not confidence. My life really doesn't live on social media so It's whatever to me. I hope people can take only the good from it and consciously invest their time elsewhere.

[migxmeg]

Age has done wonders for my willingness to be the only one dancing .

I think for me the key to confidence was learning to chill with it being ok to be bad at things, especially while learning. It doesn't feel that awful to try hard and whiff. I mean, yeah, it's kind of embarrassing but if you do that all the time it's just impossible to agonize over every one. (And no one else minds.)

[LCT_m_a_d]

Hopefully it's not a matter of disguising or faking your fears as much as it's running towards something that brings you joy.

The open mic night sounds like a pleasing experience.

[Caro]

I think it has to be for now but I think for a lot of people that's a vital part of the process. Sometimes folks have to learn that exposure and failure isn't the end of the world but to be able to expose themselves to those experiences they may have to start by shielding themselves to some degree. I have to pretend I'm not afraid otherwise I'd just never leave my house again and it works really well for me. I go get my own groceries now, I take long walks, I go to bars now compared to when I used to have to get my groceries delivered because I couldn't leave the house for years.

So yeah, "disguising" and "faking" can be important to the process of running toward the things that bring you joy. I truly thought I was going to hate being on a stage and telling my lil jokes and I was 100% sure I failed but even before I was reassured that I didn't fail it was a HUGE rush and worth doing and I'm much less afraid to try again and again and even with the potential of failure!

[ar-ninetysix]

For me, a lot of my confidence comes from faking it. I tend to be very self-deprecating and sometimes I'll just completely lack any sense of self-esteem but bc I'm like hyper aware of these issues, it weirdly feels like something I have the most control over. To the point of being able to do whatever I want on impulse and feel no regrets in doing so or even failing. Literally the big things I wanna do in life now have been sparked by some decisions made on a whim. Making music, writing for comics, learning game level design..

It's really awkward to try to explain, but it feels like.. Nothing I do matters, so why not go all in on whatever I decide to do? It sounds bizarre to me, but that's the best way to explain it other than some awful out-of-context advice of mine that I said once to a friend. "If you're gonna jump off a building, why not do a flip?"

[LCT_m_a_d]

interesting... to me the tendency to be self-deprecating sounds more "fake" than having a sense of self-control. Since you do matter in the literal sense of the word, considering anything else is dishonesty.

If something is working I'd say it's not faking anything. It's actually accepting the responsibility and sense of control. That's the real you. There's nothing fake about it that you have to make. Maybe that's why it's hard to explain. It doesn't require any explanation. just doing and being.

[LCT_m_a_d]

I think you can do many things even if you are afraid to. I know I do with art. Every good artist was once bad, and everyone warrior was once afraid. So telling yourself you're just at this phase right now is almost a sign of humility and respect for who you're going to be. It's a real part of an inspiring jouney to experience fully

With that said if it's helping keep taking steps forward.
I hope you'll realize that by doing these you are being brave in the face of fear (not in the absence). with or without the disguise because you are much more than the faking.

[DanielRKM]

I first found this piece of wisdom from Jake the dog here on the forums but I love it:
“Sucking at something is the first step to being sorta good at something.”

I originally tried to find the balance between having a self-deprecating but confident manner, but I think my journey is more heading toward being self aware/confident. Growth mindset is so important to have while starting something new and giving myself the same grace that I extend to others can be difficult (but it’s so important emotionally). I know where I need to improve and I’ll get there.

[LCT_m_a_d]

Chillness is the new cool.

I can relate to being in environments where value and sometimes support is determined by how naturally talented and gifted you are early. The fact that "being bad" is a mantra shows where humanity needs some corrections.

I like letting people know that I was in in remedial math classes throughout my education. I have a professional programming resume that doesn't add up to my academic resume.

It's part of the reason I'd like to demonstrate some success as an artist. Not for myself, but for others who are afraid of failure like I did. There's no sugar-coated it because it doesn't need sugarcoating. That doesn't mean I don't have a future at art. It's just not as linear as I'd hope.

[ar-ninetysix]

Ehhhhh.. it's more like... Boy, let's just unpack my thought process behind it and see if it makes sense. I wasn't expecting you to analyze what I said lol

Confidence and self-esteem are separate enough to be considered their own things, however.. self-esteem plays a part in affecting overall confidence. I can have low self-esteem and still feel confident in my own abilities, that's kinda how my head operates. That self-esteem doesn't affect my willingness to try out new things, but my confidence does.. That's where the control kicks in, I have a choice in trying something new. I can accept successes and failures, matter of fact I expect failure pretty often. I tend to think lowly of myself, but not to the point of not being able to do anything. I'm aware that yeah, it's just my brain thinking about it that way, but that's obviously not the truth based on personal accomplishments.

So in that regard... Maybe the phrase that describes my confidence best is "optimistic carelessness"? I don't care to know what fits best tbh lol the point is I suck, but that doesn't mean I can't try anyways

[LCT_m_a_d]

No worries, this is just an open discussion. Any of my opinions are just expression of my analytical brain. I have seen fake it till you make it lead people in the wrong directions (myself included), but I've heard successful people say it's the ultimate self-help advice.

I think like my OP it's kind of up to how it plays out in your life to determine how true it is. Regardless of what I think.

[Caro]

I guess I just fundamentally don't agree with the idea of "fake" meaning "bad" (one of the handful of reasons, I suspect, that I don't experience imposter syndrome).

I hope you'll realize that by doing these you are being brave in the face of fear

I think I do in at this current point in time but in order to get there I needed that security blanket that I've mostly let go. And it has proven to be an extremely useful tool to get me out of an extreme situation.

I don't even think you're wrong at all and I think people who go through it will almost always come to the same conclusion of ~the magic was in me all along~ (the magic being self control/courage). But it's hard to quit certain behaviors cold turkey and the concept of "faking it" can be an important tool and coping mechanism in those first steps.

I obviously can't speak for everyone in every situation but I had a therapist I saw remotely who shared a similar sentiment with what you're saying now. What ended up happening was that I would feel in control of myself and felt brave and then when I still failed to do basic things like go to the store it was like diving of the deep end and not knowing how to swim. I'd end up spiraling and not even talking to family for months. I felt that my level of self control and courage was simply not as high as 'normal people' and that was that-- like I just had a hard cap.

A friend from an agoraphobia group describe their coping mechanism and it was much easier to transition back into regular life that way. It was like having a hand to hold onto until I felt comfy on my own (and it's still a work in progress but I get better every year). It helped to not feel like every failure was a failure of my character and more a failure of my inability to replicate a character (even though I eventually came to realize the "character" was just myself, unafraid). Its just a tool! I don't, at this point, genuinely feel like I'm pretending much at all -- unless I try things way outside of my comfort zone, then I'll grab my security blanket until I feel ready to let go and see the light. Fundamentally, I know and understand that my "pretending" is just me practicing self control!

Sorry if this is lengthy and too personal! I just have had nothing but positive experiences with the idea you're butting up against and--again-- I think it can be an incredibly useful tool as a means to get to the next step!

It is nice to see other opinions on this though! I understand its not for everyone! I certainly wouldn't recommend it to everyone!

[LCT_m_a_d]

I agree whole-heartedly from a personal view. I mean there is something special about hard times that you don't get when things are going according to plan. It's not something to chase after of course, but it feels right when you welcome it and realize that it's part of something bigger than success.

[rajillustration]

So like I've played piano since forever, and I've found it's very interesting how I can play piano in front of hundreds of people without a sweat--but other things are...really scary. Fear is kind of like that, some things are easy, some things are hard, but I like to try and bring in what works for me with piano, and for me that's preparation. If I have a performance, I will practice every single day, and knowing that I've done that makes it so that during the performance I can let go, knowing that my muscle memory will take me the rest of the way if I slip.

And like with comics, I do practice, I do the preparation. (I mean, we've all done that) I've planned ahead, I've done my buffer pages. I've made my social media accounts, I've set aside time to update them. When I'm up there posting on social media and promoting myself, that's for a moment, and it can be a scary moment for posts I'm less sure about, but because of the preparation, because I know my hard work will carry me. Yeah it's letting my friends know I'm making a weird webcomic--but yo I put TIME into this webcomic, and they're gonna see that.