25 / 25
Oct 2022

Hmm, here's some quick things I noticed for some writing feedback:

1) Use a more diverse dialogue between the characters: even the old wizard like character speaks in almost the same way as the MC and others. You can do this by adding more formal vocab and words that we might not use in modern times. If you need inspiration, andrew roussou does a bunch of skits on youtube and, in my opinion, does a really good job at writing diverse scripts.
https://www.youtube.com/c/AndrewRousso/videos

For example:

Change: "Brother! Luke and Gunhild need help!"

To: "Brother! We must assist Luke and Gunhild!"

2) Some narration between the transitions of scenes would help the readers pinpoint where they are in your world, so that would be helpful as well.

For the art:

Try to see if you can draw a group picture before splitting up the focus to individual people. It helps the reader know what the scenes look like and who is facing who when the focus is a singular person. You do more of this near the end of the comic, but if you increased number of people in a single panel, it would help a lot, especially during dialogues between a group of 3 or more.

Genre: Scifi/fantasy

Type of work: manga/comic

Review honesty: brutally honest

Review exchange: Yes

Length of expected review: Up to you, but newer chapters would be preferred

Target of the review: Depends what you want to read. If you want to look at older stuff, go for story and characters. If you're looking at newer stuff, go for art.

Experience (Optional, but it helps the reviewer): novice

Main language (Optional but it helps the reviewer): english

Status of review: Open to all

Link to work: https://tapas.io/series/space-pirate/info1

Genre: BL (and Action/Mystery)

Type of work: Novel

Review honesty: honest but delivered gently

Review exchange: Yes

Length of expected review: 3 chapters

Target of the review: Content/flow

Experience (Optional, but it helps the reviewer): Decent, I suppose?

Main language (Optional but it helps the reviewer): English

Status of review: Open to everyone

Link to work: https://tapas.io/series/State-of-Matter2

Genre: Horror, mystery, LGBT+
Type of work: Comic
Review honesty: Average to honest
Review exchange: No
Length of expected review: 1 chapter, though there's less than one chapter available?
Target of the review: Any, but anything relating to story or content is definitely helpful! (I know there are some pacing issues, but getting feedback on how to improve those on future pages would be helpful)
Experience: Decent
Main language: English
Status of review: Open to everyone
Link to work:

Writing: dialogue is good, but it could be more concise:

"you even managed to absorb some of the heat, didn't you?"

"I'm impressed."

"But this ends now!"

Even and managed are a bit redundant, didn't you is also a bit unnecessary in this sentence. It could be written better while keeping the same tone and style.

"I'm impressed."

"You managed to absorb some of the heat."

"But this ends now!"


"Ice magic too, and she has three elements?"

"Who is this chick!"

again, this is a battle, so you don't need to follow all the grammar rules to fit the situation. However, "too" should be added in the end to put more emphasis onto the ice magic. Otherwise, it loses focus to the three elements in the sentence, which I am guessing the reader already knows about.

"Three elements, and Ice magic too?"

"Who is this chick!?"


Another quick one from another chapter:

"Not gonna use your blade?" -----> "Gonna use your blade? " (Sounds more like a taunt, which seems to fit the panel)

"Won't need to" ______> "No need." (Situation, since they're in the middle of fighting, then it's most likely that they're getting exhausted, so try to make the battle dialogue more concise, so they speak everything you're trying to say in 1-3 sentences." Or split it up between descriptions.

"Ballsy, OK!" (All good, love it.)


For a quick review on the art:

Not really a artist guy, but I saw one panel that got me lost, so maybe move the character up a bit so the flow doesn't break.

Here's my excerpt series for the review exchange:

Genre: Fantasy

Type of work: excerpts

Review honesty: brutally honest

Review exchange: (Being exchanged)

Length of expected review: 5 excerpts ( #4, #5, #9, #10, # 11)

Target of the review: Poll-what's your top three that you read and why?

Experience: Hobbyist writer

Main language: English

Status of review: Open to everyone

Link to work:

oops, good catch on that typo! Gonna have to make sure I fix that one :joy:
Thanks for the dialogue tips, thats a bit I don't think anyone gets feedback on often

haha, LOL, I was confused cause I don't remember seeing a typo, but if you're talking about the line about using the blade, then that one's on me.

Genre: Fantasy

Type of work: Comics

Review honesty: Brutally honest

Review exchange: Yes(However many decide I'll match it)

Length of expected review: Any, multiple chapters are preferred

Target of the review: content/Flow

Experience (Optional, but it helps the reviewer): Average

Main language (Optional but it helps the reviewer): English

Status of review: Open to everyone

Link to work: https://tapas.io/series/Tear-Drops-V3-The-Insurgent-Route/info

Genre: Fantasy, Action, Adventure, Drama
Type of work: Comic
Review honesty: honest
Review exchange: no
Lenght of expected review: Up to choice, preferably from chapter 4 to 7 (episode 31 to 90 )
Target of review: Content and flow/pacing
Experience: Novice
Main language: English
Status of review: Open to everyone

Link to work:

Read your work. Amazing work by the way. You wrote a very interesting dynamic between the Gabriel and August. Even George seems very cute. Also, the dialogue is what I would expect from a superpower series, and I can see it happening in real life if we had a hero society like that. The premise is really exciting and I can't wait to find out more about August. It seems like something happened to him in the past.

If there was something I would fix, it would be that you sometimes explain after you've already shown the character's personality traits. For instance, Gabriel seems like an impulsive, hot-headed person who wants a little fun in his life. I think you've clearly shown it, so when you explain: " he didn't sit patiently and take feedback.". It feels a bit redundant as all the examples clearly show that he's that way.

Have more confidence that you gave explained your characters well.

Also, pointing out a bit of inconsistency in speech. (I might be wrong since I didn't create the character) August first introduces himself and his power with a quick but formal introduction. This is good, as it gives him a more formal, "Stick to the rules" kind of feel as he says: "Telekinesis, with some light transmutation for flavor."

However, when he introduces himself to George, he says: "Telekinesis with ancillary transmutation.". To explain, I feel for this character as my guardians would also insist that I call them by their formal title outside the house, so I can identify a bit with August. Therefore, I feel like it would be out of character to suddenly switch up the greeting, as someone with that sort of upbringing and outer personality would have a preloaded response to general situations like introductions. It might be better to stick to one set greeting unless you have a reason otherwise.

Besides those small things. I really enjoyed the series. I hope to read more when I have more time!

Genre: Dystopian sci-fi
Type of work: Comic
Review honesty: Honest
Review exchange: Yes bust mostly for art and design.
Length of expected review: Up to choice
Target of the review: Anything but mostly relating to the story and pacing/flow of it.
Experience: hobbyist
Main language: English
Status of the review: Open to everyone

Ah! Thank you so, so, so much for the feedback! I really appreciate you taking to time to do so. :slight_smile: I'll definitely go through and try to eliminate instances of overexplaining when I get a chance. :slight_smile: And a good note, I need to audit August's dialogue to make sure it's consistent!

29 days later

closed Oct 18, '22

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