After reading the main part of your messages, my problem seems far less restricting,
at least regarding everyday life. Though…. Well, you’ll form your own opinion
when you’ve read this message :3
I’ve a genetical disease called tuberous sclerosis. It has been diagnosed when I was 8, and since then I’ve got to go to the hospital at least once a year (now less often because the period where I’m in danger of death is over, but I’ll explain this a little later). About the most important manifestations, there are tumors on my kidneys, and in my brain too.
There are also manifestations on the skin, like spots where I don’t tan (but I find this rather useful, as I don’t tan easily, I know when I do xD), and more importantly, “angiofibromas” (exact term), on my face, and these earned me to be ostracized during junior high school, and I lived it very badly (being called "contagious" isn't exactly what makes people happy...). I wasn’t happy to go to school at this time… Fortunately, it has greatly improved now, as people are more mature at age 18 or 19 X3.
Speaking of moral consequences of the disease, I’ve also lived a period when I was mad at my brothers and sisters (and sadly I still feel resent sometimes...), because this came from a spontaneous mutation, anyone amongst my siblings could have had it. And here I was, suffering things that they didn’t have to, just because things messed up when I wasn’t even born !
Moreover, there is a risk of 1 out of 2 that I give this disease to my child, if I ever have one. And let me tell you that I am LUCKY. I’ve seen people suffering from more evolved forms of the disease, and dealing with epilepsy isn’t easy (for having a friend who has epilepsy, I know how bad it can be… I will never forget the day when we were speaking casually, and suddenly she had a crisis, and she nearly fall on the head…). Also, tumors on my kidneys and in my brain aren’t evolving, so there’s no need for a surgery (regarding brain surgery, it didn't have a high % of success to remove the entire tumor, if I remember right, due to the place where it is located…), as it’s generally evolving more during adolescence.
But before that we knew it, I was very worried. I could have had a stroke… >__<
However, regarding things which are still certain, I put myself in danger if I want to have a child. I don’t remember the details though… there are consequences on the very functionning of my body.
And being bullied and having to live knowing that because a single gene which hasn’t been activated, you have to undergo medical exams, and when you’re at the hospital, you feel so bad because everyday you don’t have any problems, no mental retard, no physical problem, I remember my mom telling me that, back when I was 13 or so, I told the neurologist "I don't know why I'm here"...
Back to everyday life, you’d wanna say : “Look at me, I’m suffering, I’ve seen how people can be rough to somebody who is different, and just because I would want to have a child, I’d put my life in danger !”. And I feel very guilty for thinking this, because it makes me feel like I shouldn't display my "little" problems… This sh*t has made me think so low about myself =v=
Sorry for the novel, I've been thinking about posting long ago, but I was a little afraid to do so, but this evening, I feel down so I needed to write this down ._.
(yeah, I feel down often, and during these moments I cannot do so much to improve my mood... some friends can do so, but when I can't talk to them, it's very difficult to stand this feeling... usually I listen to music)