Blurb Critiques

[k5rakitan]

Blurbs are essential to attracting readers. How does yours measure up?

Post your blurb, and others will tell you what they like and what you can improve.
Please be constructive with all your criticism and gracious to those who give it.

Here's mine:
When CEO Seto Kaiba propositions Joan, she expects a one-night stand, but he and his brother keep coming back for more. Now the Kaiba brothers want an heir from her and will pay any price to get it. How do Joan’s husband and boyfriend feel about her new profession? More importantly, how do they handle public scrutiny?

Kaiba's Prostitute | Tapas

[Zaboem]

K5, I feel that this blurb is good but not great. It has clear sentences and makes good use of action verbs. It certainly conveys an expectation of steamy scenes. That seems to be what you were going for, and it has steam aplenty.

I don't need all those scenes listed for me. Okay, to be fair this is not a list of scenes but a list of story beats. It's a summary of the entire story, and too much like an outline for my taste.

I favor formulated blurbs. The traditional wisdom is that a book blurb, like an elevator pitch, should answer these questions: Who is the main character? What is her conflict? Why should I care?

Personally, I think that last question can be a big ask. I accept in its place an interesting hook about the setting where the story happens. This is why so many movie trailers begin with "In a world where..." Also, anything an author can do to suggest the tone is bonus.

Joan: We have a name, but I nothing about her. Is she a secretary? Accountant? Salesperson of the Year? Is she a.disgruntled housewife who re-entered the work field?

The conflict: Are the brothers fighting over her? Is she torn between loyalty and her urges? Between honor and duty?

The Why: Actually, you've this part covered.

I don't need to know about the motivation of the brothers or the fact that Joan has both a husband and a boyfriend. I do need to know who we are talking about even if its a simple descriptive phrase like "twenty-something hard-drinking lawyer Joan."

[k5rakitan]

Thanks! Society is actually the antagonist in the story, and I'm not sure how else to convey that without flat-out telling people.

[Zaboem]

What follows is the description of my first book, Alien Fiction. It hasn't changed in years. As a blurb, I know it needs a lot of work, so don't hold back.

You got abducted by an alien. She's a fuzzy, jewelry-clad bunny in a flying saucer. I suggest you try to look like a rare collectible specimen. She might not throw you back -- from orbit.

Alien Fiction is the story of small, cute, and feisty monsters with a hobby. They hunt, collect, breed, and trade humans, then they force their humans to fight each other.

This story parodies the monster-collecting games and cartoon series which have dominated children's culture for several years. I sort of wonder why no one else has already made this obvious lampoon. Alien Fiction can also be thought of as a multi-medium setting project. A novella, a web comic series, and a roleplaying game compose the starting core of the project. What comes after that is up to you as all aspects of Alien Fiction are released under a Creative Commons license.

https://www.tapas.io/series/alien-fiction

[k5rakitan]

The first part is awesome. I love the second person voice, as it is rare but so much fun to read that way.

The next two paragraphs look like they could be quotes from readers, which is great if you actually have someone's name attached to the quote, but I recommend keeping more of the second person vibe. You could do something like, "Enter the world of Alien Fiction, where you'll encounter small, cute . . . " and so forth.

[Zaboem]

I appreciate that feedback.

[KiabIce]

When you say blurb you mean the description of your comic right?

[DasIstWunderblyat]

Yes, that one description you use to bait potential readers.

[KiabIce]

Ok heres mine:

Meet 30 year old late bloomer Marcus Sterling, a college student studying magic and sorcery just half a year away from getting his masters in wizardry. Things don't work out as much as they seem, however. Marcus is about to meet what could change his destiny.

[k5rakitan]

It starts strong, but the last two sentences are too vague. It tells us that there will be conflict, but we don't know what the "what" is. He could be meeting anything from a love interest to a dragon. Different readers will be drawn to different things, so being more specific will help entice readers who will enjoy your story more

[Darth_Biomech]

Here's mine. It's probably too long among other things, I imagine?

RSS link: https://tapas.io/rss/series/54018/
Leaving the Cradle is a story that attempts to bridge the gap between hard science fiction and space opera, somewhat in the spirit of how Mass Effect and The Expanse approached their worldbuilding. Laws of physics are respected (but not always followed ), and typical cliches of the space opera genre are avoided as well (as much as possible, anyway) - such as humongous horizontally-oriented armor-clad battleships, or green-skinned sexy space babes. There's, in fact, no humanoids apart of, well, humans, among the main cast.

The story focuses on events, known as the "First Contact Incident", and follows Gharr, a promising alien xenobiologist and xenopsychologist from the Alliance, whose rash decision to explore unknown strands him on Earth with no way to communicate with the Exploration Fleet for the rescue mission. What complicates things is that Earth classified a pre-space age civilization and, according to Alliance laws, any direct contact with the locals is prohibited...

[k5rakitan]

A long blurb can work as long as the first few lines really pack a punch and keep people reading.

Try avoiding forms of the verb “to be” such as is, are, was, were, etc. This is known as passive language. Using more colorful verbs can greatly strengthen your writing.

[Zaboem]

K5 made almost exactly the same observation I did. You've got a main character we get behind. The conflict is vague, but it's there. The setting is likewise hinted at. It's 90% of the way there. Maybe instead of "things don't work out," try a more direct wording which tells us more about what DID happen. "Disaster befalls the campus" or "a wiley incubus breaks his heart" or "a noseless albino who hates him, plots Marcus's demise." I don't think this is giving away too much.

In a book description or any other sort of blurb, I lean towards taking the standard writing advice like "show don't tell" or "use active verbs" and double down on it.

[Zaboem]

Appropriate length is a function of medium. A blurb on a back cover doesn't work for Twitter. Always check your own series as a reader to see how much Tapas includes. We're talking maybe two sentences next to a thumbnail image. So put your strongest parts first maybe.

Thus, I like the last paragrpah best. Maybe cut straight to "Gharr, a promising xenobiologist from the Alliance, explores unknown space and strands himself on Earth with no way to communicate with..." We don't need to be told that the story is a story. That entire behind the scenes explanation in the previous paragraph can get moved to the back.

[IsobelLynx]

@CrystallikeICE good start that you can build from.

Things don't work out

too vague. Tell us what doesn't work out. What happens?

Marcus is about to meet what could change his destiny.

Again vague.

I like to go down this list to analyze what's missing in a blurb:
Who: Marcus, magic student.
What is his problem: ?
Stakes (what will happen if he doesn't fix his problem): ?
Conflict (what prevents him from fixing the problem): ?

---

@Darth_Biomech
First of all, don't try to explain the genre of your book. If you want to write an essay about it, do it as an author's note in the first episode. The blurb is not the place for it.

However, in my opinion you are allowed to mention what the genre is to the people that might be familiar with the term and might get excited to find a book like that. But do it AFTER the blurb.
What I did, I wanted to dispel the assumptions that since my MC is a demon, it must be a dark fantasy, so I wrote it straight up under my blurb No trigger warnings. Just a laid-back, high-fantasy adventure.

So let's do the blurb which is your second paragraph. Don't begin with "the story focuses" - you're not writing an essay about it.
I'm going to go through it with the same template.
Who: Gharr, alien xenobiologist
What is his problem: he's stranded on Earth
Stakes (what will happen if he doesn't fix his problem): ?
Conflict (what prevents him from fixing the problem): ?

Is the rest cut off or do you end your blurb like that?

[IsobelLynx]

Here's my current blurb. How does it look?

What are wings for if not for flying with dragons in the realm where islands float in the sky?

The life of order and monotony is not enough for a winged demon like Ansgarde. When society rules suffocate her, she escapes to fantastic dreams of dragons and epic quests.

If only someone qualified took on the challenge to break the Dragon's Curse, her dream would come true - she could share the sky with a dragon. After all, the prophecy says that a demon like her would free the ancient race. But no one takes the legend seriously.

No one but her.

DragonSky | Tapas

[KiabIce]

Ok everybody

I have a blurb but it makes my comic not funny anymore.

I might change my story now.

The updated blurb I wrote is too serious:

Meet Marcus Sterling, a college student ½ a year away from finishing his master’s in wizardry. His mastery must be put to a stop, however, when the Black Market begins to target his family in exchange for the location of a Royal relic . The relic has been hidden for 50 years during the Great War whose whereabouts are only known by great wizard Lazarus, Marcus’s late Grandfather. Will the Black Market be able to obtain the relic’s location? Will Marcus’s family remain safe? Let the journey begin!

[Zaboem]

Very good, this checks off every item on my list. I particularly like the second sentence which could be the entire blurb itself. Speaking only for myself, I would not make any significant changes. All that.I might do is tightening up the wording to make it even shorter and crisper.

@CrystallikeICE I like this version much better. I do feel more.interested in reading this story now. You seem to not like it, and that is what's really important. I don't know your comic. If you think that it doesn't fit your tone, simply don't use the new blurb.

Very minor quibble: You used the words master's and master twice close to one another. They refered to two.different things. I found that confusing for about one second. The second word could maybe get changed to "instructor" or "teacher."

[k5rakitan]

It looks pretty good to me. I only have a little comment on the grammar.

"When society rules" should be "When society's rules"

[thedude3445]

I don't know your story to know how to make it less serious, but here is my edit of what you put here:

Marcus Sterling is a college student just half a year away from finishing his master's in wizardry. That all stops, though, when the Black Market begins to target his family, looking for a lost relic hidden away by his grandfather.

Everything else in the original was redundant info, and in a blurb every word counts so it's good to cut that stuff. However, there still isn't a hook, and I can't write one since I don't know the story. You can add that extra info from here though and it'll be solid.