Reminds me a bit of my cat but yours sounds much worse. XD My kitty eats kibble and wet food but he has no interest in human food. I've tried to give him rotisserie chicken and he won't eat it. He did eat some tuna though!
It's weird being able to leave a plate out if I go to the bathroom because the cats I had before were the complete opposite. Even if the dish was right in front of me, they would stick their heads in my glass or whatever. One time a friend came over with a burger king burger and while she ate it, she gave a small bite to my cat. Then when she tried to take the wrapper away, he growled at her. XD
My cats have never really done much stupid stuff though outside of the normal trying to jump on a counter, realizing they just jumped on to a bunch of papers, falls right back onto the floor and tries to walk away like it never happened.