Feedback for a Seriously Short Story(3/3)

[azurecpensmith]

I finished this story I was challenging myself to write everday for:

Read Reincarnated as a Puppet...How?! | Tapas Web Novels

And it's really short. It would really help to receive feedback on where I can expand it since it feels more like a summary. I'm willing to offer feedback in return, just let me know which story you want feedback on and what type of feedback you need.

Edit: Five:gave feedback, finished feedback
RainbowCat: gave feedback, finished feedback
rosierubycardinal: gave feedback, finished feedback

Edit 2: I have gathered enough feedback so I will be closing this thread. Thank you for the feedback and good luck with your stories!

[Five]

I’d be willing to exchange feedbacks; here’s mine: Tapas: https://tapas.io/series/Ravens-wood

Genre: Medieval, Fantasy, Drama, Action, Historical, Romance.

Synopsis: Transmigrated into the mythical continent of the west, one rifled with political unrests, conflicts, treachery, conspiracies, and murder, Jon finds himself stuck amidst a battle for power and the throne of the kingdom of Ravenwing.

[azurecpensmith]

Sure! How would you like me to give the feedback(PM or comments--or here) and is there a specific thing you want me to look out for?

[Five]

Anyone you’re fine with. I might not see PM so between the other two. And just give me on what you think about the story generally.

I read yours, and it was really good. Fascinating plot. I’m not really good at this sort of stuff so I don’t think I saw anything to criticize, but the story was engaging, very. There’s no need to push to make chapters longer, short chapters are what Tapas readers consume the most, I think the chapter lengths are fine.

[azurecpensmith]

Then I will give it here, since I wouldn't want to bog down the comments with feedback. I will read it tonight and get back to you if that's okay. I want to be able to give it my full attention

[azurecpensmith]

@Five The first sentence for the prologue started really beautiful but then it was dragged down by its length imo. Clear, concise sentences really help to keep the immersion of the reader in my experience. But it was still a beautiful sentence.

Everard and Ayla's ages took me by surprise since I imagined them as adults or at least teens until you mentioned their age.

I find their manners of speech really adult-like, too. I can understand for Everard since he wants to be a grown up but going over their way of speaking could help with character-building.

After reading prologue: This was beautiful, definitely will be reading more but yeah, this is what I meant when I said my story was short. It feels like a summary whereas yours feels fuller and richer. I will be reading the rest but let me know if you want any further feedback or not

[Five]

I mentioned their age before they started speaking, but I get what you mean. They are like that because of how they grew up. They basically grew up with a lot of responsibilities. Thanks for checking it out, I really appreciate, and if you’re fine with telling me whatever you think, I’m all ears.

[RainbowCat]

I've got some free time, so I can give your story a read! Do you want me to post the feedback here or send it to you in a PM?

And I always appreciate some feedback on my novel It's a finished romance/drama story.

Read Dreams and Nightmares | Tapas Web Novels

[azurecpensmith]

Sorry, I was away for a bit. Sure! It will have to be tomorrow, however. It's really late here and I have a class tomorrow morning. After I'm back, I will read Five's story to the end and then give your feedback as well. For feedback, you can give it here, no need for PM

[RainbowCat]

It's alright! It's late for me as well, so I'll post my feedback here tomorrow

[RainbowCat]

Sorry, I had a busy day and completely forgot to post this

That was a really quick read I like the general idea but for me personally, it's too short in some parts and comparatively long in other parts. E.g. her realising she's a puppet seems much shorter than the scene of her running away.
Maybe you could explain a bit more what she sees, what she feels? And more scenes between her and her "husband" to see the relationship evolve. Right now, I'm wondering why she would start liking him because it seems like there's no reason for that change.
It would probably also help to show a bit more about her life before her death, especially to give her more personality. You could add something like her having this one special passion in her life and she forgets about that when she dies and loses a part of her personality when she becomes a doll. Then after a while, something could remind her of her passion and set off a change.
Then there's also this voice telling her to not think of her old life but she seems to remember it and she even tells the reader how she died. Maybe everything before her waking up in that cave could be written from a narrators point of view? That way, you can talk about her and her life and the accident without showing she remembers parts of it.
Also, you put "Action" as a genre but there's only veeery little action.
And you said it's finished but it doesn't really feel finished to me... also not like a summary, probably more like a prologue to the actual story. But if you want this to be the story, then some extra scenes would help a lot to show the characters. We barely know anything about her "husband" or the whole world they live in.

If you need me to explain something, just let me know!

[azurecpensmith]

@Five I have read up to and including episode 5 so far. Your writing reminds me of GoT because of the political intrigue and the crude language sometimes used. Your imagery is beautiful as always. I was confused when the prologue seemed to have no connection to the following episodes, just something to keep in mind. Then again, that might be because I skimmed over the blurb before diving in instead of reading it carefully. Thought I should point it out still.

@RainbowCat Thank you for the feedback! It's taking me longer than I expected to finished Five's story/feedback. I promise I will get to yours as soon as possible.

[RainbowCat]

All good, no need to rush! I know reading stories takes a while

[rosierubycardinal]

Ok here's my take!
Creation myth: Very dramatic, which I like. Reads a little awkward, especially lines 5 and 6. Love the ending.
Chapter 1 (Both Parts): Opening sentence hooks reader in. You probably already noticed the double "had." Third sentence of the third paragraph could probably be split into two sentences. "There was a car hitting my butt" seems a bit... direct and strangely confusing. Ok I absolutely love the scene in the cavern. SO dramatic. "Avalanche of limbs and torsos and heads, and I wanted to shiver..." contains a lot of ands, again this would probably be better as two sentences. Some of the ellipses seem unnecessary and overused. I love Ada. She is so relatable. Really liking the character development so far. I feel like this really good story is somewhat dragged down by an overuse of casual language. "Heels slapping my back" just seems a bit odd. The doll scene feels too short. I love how Ada has a easily distinguishable personality, though.
Chapter 2 (Both parts): There is a lot of unnecessary words in this chapter. I feel like "If I remembered correctly" is in a really strange place in the sentence. I would really like to know more about this spider-person. Absolutely loving this chapter. Ada's personality shines. However, Chapter 2.5 seems really sped through. Personally, I would really like the spider-person to be more fleshed-out as a character.
Chapter 3: YAY some spiderman descriptions! Please tell me this series will continue. I absolutely think this sounds like a prologue and would love to read more. If this is the end, it doesn't really feel like an ending.
I absolutely loved reading this story and I thought the ideas behind it were really interesting. I would have loved to see more character backstory for Ada, as I feel like I don't really know much about her besides her cat.

Would you mind reading mine?

Read Crystal Tears | Tapas Web Novels

[azurecpensmith]

@Five I have read up to and including episode 6 where I will be stopping if you don't mind as I turned out to be busier than I was expecting. Zephyr doesn't seem as cautious as he should be and someone who listens for it would easily notice something was off with him. Not sure if that's what you're going for so something to keep in mind.

@RainbowCat sorry that I took so long to give you your feedback. Life has been hectic. I will read your story next and give my feedback after I finish 6 episodes

@rosierubycardinal I just saw your feedback, thank you and I'm glad you liked Ada's personality! I definitely wouldn't mind reading your story, I will be right on it after I finish Rainbow's feedback

[azurecpensmith]

@RainbowCat Prologue and chapter 1:

The narrator's voice is really strong, it makes the story feel a bit detached(?). The tenses feel weird to me but I can't pinpoint why. Jason feels older than Scarlet, much older, and it feels like there will be a romance between them so that makes me a bit uncomfortable(read up to and including episode 2 so far, the episode where they meet and she collapses).

Chapter 2: The development feels a bit awkward but then again, I'm a real fan of slowburns so take that with a grain of salt. I really like the detail of nobody changing Scarlet's clothes while she slept, however. It feels like the obvious thing to do yet many characters don't get the same courtesy.

Chapter 3: Just as I liked how they didn't touch her clothes while she was unconcious, I don't like how people are entering her space without waiting for a reply or warning. They can tell she's traumatised and are being kind about it but they missed the memo about doors for some reason.

Chapter 4: It might be because of my own ideas about how a traumatised person would act/how one should act around a traumatised person but the actions of all the characters feels a bit off to me, personally. For example, I would not leave someone going through a panic attack. I would sit on the floor and make myself as small as possible without seeming meek and let them get used to my presence. I don't think this would work for everyone, however. Just sth to keep in mind. Also, I think I might be shipping Oren and Scarlet. He's much more gentle and closer to her age.

Chapter 5: I don't, don't, like Jason so far. I understand that he needs to be guarded as the leader but there are better ways of doing it. Then again, he's stressed. I guess he's doing his best.

Final thoughts: After reading all six episodes, the story feels a little off due to the reasons I listed above but I can tell what you're going for. I'm sure you can make it clearer with some polishing. Thank you once again for waiting so patiently and good luck with your writing!

@rosierubycardinal it's your story next. I would like to take a breather before I dive in so that I can focus more. I will let you know my feedback once I'm done reading.

[rosierubycardinal]

Ok no problem! Thank you for reading it!

[RainbowCat]

Thanks for the feedback!
You're partially right about the age, Oren and Scarlet are the same age but Jason isn't much older than her, so there's no big age gap. He just acts a bit more like a real adult in the beginning compared to his siblings because of who he is.

Them just coming into her room is kind of their thing in the beginning because especially the twins have no idea that knocking is an option This should show how they grew up, just running into each other's rooms whenever they want.
I should also mention that Scarlet's not experiencing a panic attack at that point. They leave because they learned that many people only let out their emotions when they are alone, so they give Scarlet space to cry and think about her situation in her own time. Lola and Oren have no idea what to do if Scarlet really experiences a panic attack.

I also love what you said about Oren. I've seen many people ship him with Scarlet in the beginning, then wanting him for themselves But he's already seeing someone.

[azurecpensmith]

@rosierubycardinal Prologue-part 1: This was full of twists and turns for me. When I expected something, it didn't happen. Surprisingly, I like the feeling of not knowing what to make of this story. It feels really original.

Prologue-part 2: Oh, Azura is a girl. I wonder why I thought she was a guy If I had properly read the blurb, I wouldn't have made that mistake.

Prologue-part 3: I like these characters. I'm starting to get used to the world, too. I didn't mind not knowing what to expect but it doesn't help with immersion.

Chapter 1-part 1: The tear analogy is beautiful. There's some issue with tenses but it's not that difficult to fix.

Chapter 1-part 2: I might be shipping Milo and Zuri. Best friends to lovers is perfect. I'm a little surprised that she didn't choose her own clothes, since clothes are important for her.

Chapter 1-part 3: "I had no idea why anyone would want me dead".--I thought she knew that she was an extra and unwanted?
Final thoughts: Okay, wow. I don't like the aunties anymore. How could they betray Zuri like that after all she did for them??

I really like this story. It feels unique. Sure, it's a bit rough around the edges but that doesn't mean it's unenjoyable. Good work!

[rosierubycardinal]

Thank you so much! Yah I definitely need to establish that Analina… has 5 year old innocence. I think I fixed the tense problem just now, and the clothes thing I think just needed a sentence? Thank you so much for the feedback!