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cherrystark
Mar '21

I need feedback on this paragraph. I am reworking "The Mansion Mystery" for my series. So far, Jamie is still recovering from the events in "Frostbite" and is feeling anxious about her return to the field. She is "feeling" better but her dad wants her to stay home longer. Does this paragraph work?

“I want to be useful,” she signed. Over the last year, Jamie had lost the man she loved, her hearing, the use of her arms, and even her leg. In between her therapy sessions, Jamie would sit at the computer, watching as the agents’ icons blink across the screen. Seven months ago, she had been one of those icons. Losing the right to go into the field was like losing her freedom. If she wasn’t free, she should still be trapped behind the Halliwell mirrors. A tear ran down her cheek. “I don’t want to be forgotten.”

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    Mar '21

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Swampert_Spawner
Mar '21

It reads nicely! Here's a few suggestions on my end:
- Rearrange the mentioning of things she lost so it flows smoothy, going from "the man she loved", "the use of her arms", "her hearing", and then her leg. That way the subjects using the same possession indicators are grouped together.
- For the part talking about how she watches the icons blink on screen, I suggest you change "sit" to "stare" to evoke more of a sense of longing and indicate how long she would stay there (unless the time between her therapy sessions been mentioned in previous paragraph).
- Lastly is a small rewriting of that part as follows:
"In between her therapy sessions, Jamie would stare at the computer for hours on end. She was watching the agents’ icons blink across the screen, and to think she had been one of those icons just seven months ago."

Happy writing! I wish you luck with your story. :smile:

therosesword
Mar '21

I've just got nitpicky things that "I" would do so... it might not be helpful.
I'm assuming you know about the typos but I'll put 'em in anyway

first line: "sighed"

Second line: 1. I'd drop "even." 2. I'd also drop "In" between because somewhere someone told me "in between" should only be used for physical items otherwise it's kind of redundant.... and it haunts me now. 3. Instead of "Jamie would sit" try "she sat" for more immediacy, plus you've already used her name once.(again a problem I have)

Third line: "watched the agents' icons blink" for more immediacy. (believe me, I'm struggling with this right now myself so it's like at the front of my brain.) I'd consider starting a new paragraph at "Seven months ago" because it really (to me) solidifies that loss of freedom. Also in the line of "seven months ago" how about "she was" instead of "she had been."

I don't understand "If she wasn't free, she should still be trapped behind the Halliwell mirrors." but I don't know what comes before this so that probably changes the meaning. right now, to me, the sentence doesn't make sense. (but it is 11 and I've been up since 5 am)

So if you actually like what I've suggested it would read:

"I want to be useful," she sighed. Over the last year, Jamie had lost the man she loved, her hearing, the use of her arms, and her leg. Between her therapy sessions, she sat at the computer watching the agents' icons blink across the screen.

Seven months ago she was one of those icons. Losing the right to go into the field was like losing her freedom. If she wasn't free, she should still be trapped behind the Halliwell mirrors. A tear ran down her cheek. "I don't want to be forgotten."

Ordinaryaverageguy
Mar '21
therosesword

In your rewrite, I'd suggest saying "Between therapy sessions" because it's already obvious whose sessions they are. Watta you think? :slight_smile:

Ordinaryaverageguy
Mar '21
therosesword

PS - If the author changes the paragraph much, I think they will want to revise the whole story to have the same tight & edited "feel". Could be a lot of work that ends up sounding like GRAMMARLY wrote it.

therosesword
Mar '21

If that little bit changes what they do or their "style" and method, I don't advocate. As I told them... this is how I would do it. It wasn't how I would advise they do it. And, of course, without what came before and what came after this was a one shot. There's a fine line in editing where you destroy what you've written. i've only peeked at Grammarly and despised it for that specific reason.

Ordinaryaverageguy
Mar '21

I see a LOT of Grammarly ads on YouTube, and it almost always strikes me that I'd be a pretty disappointed employer if the person I hired to do writing & word-smithing wasn't able to express themselves as well on the fly (e.g., a conference room collaboration) as they did when they worked off their personal software.

rajillustration
Mar '21

I think it's good, there's just the tense issues and some misspellings that were brought up by others that stopped me in my tracks. Another suggestion you can feel free to ignore, is that visually this paragraph has a lot going on. It flashes back and forth from the present to the past, and my instinct is that it needs a paragraph break in there to make it clear that we're back in the present. If I were drawing this, I would not be able to do it in one panel--I would have to separate this into several panels, and that break in time would add more depth to what comes after it.

Because there's so many things happening the break could go in several spots, but for example I felt like this.

“I want to be useful,” she signed. Over the last year, Jamie had lost the man she loved, her hearing, the use of her arms, and even her leg. In between her therapy sessions, Jamie would sit at the computer, watching as the agents’ icons blink across the screen. Seven months ago, she had been one of those icons. Losing the right to go into the field was like losing her freedom. If she wasn’t free, she should still be trapped behind the Halliwell mirrors.

A tear ran down her cheek. “I don’t want to be forgotten.”

But I don't know what's happening around this paragraph so feel free to ignore me.

cherrystark
Mar '21

Thanks for the feedback suggestions everybody! The biggest element of this moment is her anxiety towards this HUGE life change and the lingering fear of being forgotten. *The Halliwell mirrors is a reference to another story where she was trapped behind the glass in a fun house mirror and her friends and family couldn't hear her scream.

I've written a lot of this story but something felt off, so I'm doing a rewrite.

@Ordinaryaverageguy I am with you about Grammerly. It's nice for a quick spellcheck but even working a corporate setting, it's not a game-changer.

cherrystark
Mar '21

Here is more of the scene to help give context to my sample paragraph.

“Jamie,” said Cole softly, as they drove. The last traces of sunlight had disappeared over the horizon line. “Jamie, you got to talk to me sometime.”

“Why?” she replied. Her eyes were fixed on the line of passing storefronts. The neon lights blurred into flashes of color as they passed. “I know what you’re going to say.”

Cole chuckled wryly, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. “And, what am I going to say?”

“I don’t know,” she began. “Maybe… t-that I’m not good enough to be an agent. And that if I was more like Kendra or Anna, you’d want to be in the field with me…”

Cole pulled the car off onto the side of the road. “You couldn’t be farther from the truth, sweetheart.”

“Then, what it is, Dad? Ever since I woke up, everybody treats me like I’m made of glass or a paper doll like Grandma Rosie used to make me.”

“It’s got nothin’ to do with you.” Cole scratched his beard. “It’s me, I guess. I don’t know. You’re still recoverin’, Jamie Girl. What’s the rush to get back into the field, anyway?”

“I want to be useful,” she signed. Over the last year, Jamie had lost the man she loved, her hearing, the use of her arms, and even her leg. Between her therapy sessions, Jamie would sit in her wheelchair in front of the computer, watching as the agents’ icons blink across the screen. Seven months ago, she had been one of those icons. Losing the right to go into the field was like losing her freedom. If she wasn’t free, she should still be trapped behind the Halliwell mirrors. A tear ran down her cheek. “I don’t want to be forgotten.”

Cole let out a breath. He couldn’t imagine how his little girl was hurting and he couldn’t go anything to stop it.